Hooters

I’ve always assumed that guys went to Hooters to “blow off steam” which is a pretty silly saying. Are you saying that you’ve been boiling all day and storing the steam somewhere so you can blow it off onto a 20 year old in shorts? That seems silly. Just blow the steam off as it accumulates. Why store it all day?

However, these places are popular so I’m somewhat concerned that I’m missing something and it leads me to this question: is it possible that food tastes better while you’re aroused? Nobody ever told me that this is a rule, but I’ve kind of made it a point to not go into meals with an erection if it’s at all possible. I don’t need to be at full blast downstairs while eating soup but now I’m concerned I’m doing it wrong.  

Blogging Block

You wouldn’t think that writer’s block could happen to someone who writes under 200 words each post but it’s a real thing. Just a bunch of ideas bouncing around my head that are dumb as shit. I’m starting to force shit. The other day I considered a post about which dinosaurs would be good at sports. Seriously. “The Tyrannosaurus Rex had arms too short to play football" was actually written down as an idea to expand on. Holy shit.

Beer Drinking

Easiest process yet:

-Stick beers in fridge in the morning

-Open 1^st beer at about 7 PM and pour it into a glass

-Look at beer to make sure there’s no weird shit floating around in there.

-Drink beer. It definitely tastes like an IPA, but it seems to be a little off. Fuck it.  

-Wonder what the alcohol content of this beer is.

-Continue to drink beer, noting that it tastes better after it’s been aired out for a little while. Or does it taste better just because you’ve gotten used to the taste? Are you a little drunk off a beer and a half? Either way, open 2^nd beer.

-Drink 2^nd beer.

-Once again, wonder what the alcohol content is because you’ve had a little less then 3 beers and you’re kind of zonked.  

-Watch Parks and Recreation. Amy Poehler, LOLZ.

“DON’T CARE”

Whether or not this story is true, I think it’s entirely believable. I’ve heard enough about other Jay Cutler sightings and watched him respond to enough stupid  questions to believe that it’s within Jay Cutler to act this way to a random guy that started a conversation with him in a bathroom.

If it is true, I don’t necessarily see what Jay Cutler did wrong. What does Jay Cutler owe you as the starting QB of the Chicago Bears? Chit chat at the bar? No, he does not owe you fucking chit chat. At a sanctioned Chicago Bears “come meet the players and pay money for them to chit chat with you and sign some shit” event, yes he owes you some chit chat because you paid money for that. Other then that, all he “owes” you as a fan of the Chicago Bears is an effort to win every game. And he does that, nobody has ever accused him of not taking the job of quarterbacking seriously.  

You ever have a person just randomly start talking to you? It’s offsetting. It goes against social norms to just walk up to a complete stranger and start talking to them. And that’s what you are, random bathroom dude, a stranger. Let’s talk about how big a fan I am while your dick is out because I OWN YOUR JERSEY AND FUCK THE PACKERS, RIGHT? Could he handle it differently? Sure. But maybe you caught him on a bad day. Maybe he’s a little drunk. Have you ever been drunk or having a bad day knowing that the entire bar is aware of you and watching your every move? Would you be comfortable eating nachos with 40 people watching you? No way.

“But he’s not trying that hard. He threw 4 picks against the Packers.” Yea, but he always tries to fit the ball into tight windows. That’s what makes him great. And Earl Bennett could have come back for one of those balls.

“But what about that pick he threw into double coverage towards Marshall?” Haha. Yea, he was pretty much over it by that point.

Racist?

Is it racist if you think things about another race that don’t make any sense? What if your grandmother tells you that black people can’t eat cake because their tongues are backwards? How do you respond to that? Is grandma racist because she is painting an entire group of people with far too broad a brush or is she so sideways in the head that she gets a free pass? Asian people can’t eat oranges because they don’t have fingernails and the citrus burns too much. What?

Gyro Breakfast

8:50 this morning, getting my bagel on. Transcript of the guy who orders after me:

Weirdo: Gyros please.

Barely Bilingual Cashier: What?

W: Do you have gyros right now?

BBC: No.

W: What’s available?

BBC: (Motions towards breakfast menu) Breakfast.

W: Okay, I’ll have the over under but if possible I’d like to make a modification when I order it. Can I have stripsofbacononitplease?

BBC: What?

W: I’d like to have the over under but I’d need to modify need, I’d need to modify the sandwich if possible. Can I have bacon on it?

BBC: It comes with bacon.

W: Okay.

Some thoughts:

1) So weirded out that my day is basically shot.

2) If you’re buying gyros for breakfast, you probably have a refrigerator that’s dedicated to hooker heads, right? Well adjusted human beings don't want raw onions and lamb meat at 8:50 in the morning.

3) Possible alien doing reconnaissance on our defense capabilities prior to a full scale invasion? But wouldn’t they do research on our eating habits before in order to stay in cognito? Maybe one of the less able aliens had that job and fucked it up. Do you think there are alien fuck ups? Any aliens that still live with their folks into their alien30’s and work at aliengasstations?

4) Yea, this day is fucking cooked.

Beer Bottling

Much shorter process:

-“Sanitize” all of your bottles/equipment used in the bottling process. Note that you’ve used up all of the sanitizer provided with the kit last week. Decide that filling the sink with super hot water and dish soap will sanitize the bottles enough because fuck it, right?

-Siphon beer from giant glass jug into a pot with a honey & water mixture. While siphoning, note that some of the liquid you got into your mouth tastes somewhat like beer but also somewhat like poison.

-Siphon beer/honeywater mixture into bottles. Make sure that the liquid still tastes like poison (it does) and also make sure to spill some liquid on the floor/cabinets.

-Store beer for another 2 weeks in the closet. For how much time this beer spends in the closet, you get the feeling that pretty soon you’ll need to have a serious conversation about its relationship with its “friend” Reginald.

-Feel good about the joke above. Topical.

-Go watch Jay Cutler and the Bears embarrass themselves on national television so you can wonder, why THE FUCK J’MARCUS WEBB IS ON AN ISLAND AGAINST ONE OF THE BEST RUSHING LINEBACKERS IN THE LEAGUE AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RUN GAME DID MIKE MARTZ COME BACK AND DECIDE THAT WE SHOULDN’T USE BLOCKING TIGHT ENDS ANYMORE AND YOU CAN’T DROP THAT BALL, BRANDON.

Hotness Increase

You never see a person (outside of movies) who goes from a 2 to a 9 (on the standard 1 – 10 hotness scale) by dropping a couple of pounds and grooming themselves a bit better. In reality, you maybe go from a 2 to a 5 and you get so pissed about only being a 5 that you just give up and go back to 2. All that effort just to be “meh” so you say fuck it, Cheetos for breakfast.

All I can say is that I held off on a Chipotle burrito today and I'm not sure why. So I could save a couple hundred calories? Balls to that. If I avoid carbs for the rest of my life my forehead isn't getting any smaller.

Pee Pants

So I have a friend at work that’s got an occasional issue. When he pees, he takes all the necessary steps to make sure that dripping is complete. That’s all good. However, after he puts it away, it occasionally gets a little bit inside the pants as well. If he’s wearing khakis, a little pee mark appears for a short time.

So in the situation of a pee stain, he has one of two options:

1) Let the pee stain sit there and hope nobody notices.

2) Just cover up the pee stains with a shitload of water. Everyone is going to notice, but they won’t assume you just wet yourself. Just tell them that’s how you dry your hands.

I think option #2 is the best. Yea, he’s the weird guy who dries his hands like a psycho but at least his dick isn’t acting weird. This one’s a thinker.

Beer Making

I tried to make my own beer yesterday. Here’s a brief rundown of how you do it:

-Read directions. Start worrying that you don’t have all of the necessary equipment to make beer without making a giant fucking mess. Get angry about the mess that’s been made before you even make said mess.

-Sanitize everything. Notice that there are a million warnings on the sanitizer packet about not getting it onto your skin/eyes. Ignore them because the plastic gloves you own are too small for your hands.

-Boil 2 quarts of water. Prior to that, Google how many cups are in 2 quarts (the answer is 8). Use your 1 cup measuring device to measure out the 8 cups. You will be annoyed at this process and will write “bigger measuring cup” on the chalkboard.

-Briefly think: “Well, when I add the grain to this water it may overflow. I should use a bigger pot, probably.” Ignore this, as you’re just over thinking the process.

-Add the grain. Watch the pot come close to overflowing immediately. Scream “fucking asshole” at the intimate objects in the room. Transfer the grain/hot water to the larger pot on the stove.

-Try to keep the water heated to about 144 degrees – 152 degrees for an hour. Make sure you check the heat every 3 minutes because this entire process is making you incredibly anxious.

-Heat another 2 quarts (8 cups of water) to 170 degrees in a 2^nd pot. It’s supposed to be 4 quarts, but you’re already using your biggest pot to cook the grain. Write “big pot” on the chalkboard.

-Pour hot grain/water mixture through a strainer into a 3^rd pot. Surprise yourself at the lack of a mess.

-Pour 2 quarts of water through hot grain in strainer and let it collect at the bottom of the 3^rd pot. Immediately start heating up 2 more quarts of water and add them when heated.

-Read that you’re supposed to cycle all of the water through the grain a 2^nd time. Come up with a plan on how to do this without making a mess.

-Try to carry out your plan. Make giant mess immediately with GODDAMNED BURNS ON THE CLEAN FUCKING STOVE. FUCK THIS, SKIP THIS STEP.

-Bring liquid that’s left to gentle boil. Allow it to boil for 1 hour, adding hops at different times. Try to follow directions on when to add hops but only do a B-/C+ job at it.

-After an hour, take the liquid off the boil and put it into an ice bath. Use all of the ice you have in the house because this is the most important thing in the world.

-See that the liquid still has gotten down to 70 degrees like the directions say. Decide, fuck it, 80 degrees is close enough.

-Using the brand new strainer and funnel you bought for this project, try to pour the liquid into the glass bottle. Immediately lose half the liquid you’ve been working on for 2 hours. Throw away the shitty funnel because fuck that thing and fuck Target for only having one shitty funnel. Keep the strainer because you can use that for something else, maybe. Write “funnel” and “strainer” on the chalkboard.

-Fill the rest of the bottle up with water even though that’s probably not correct.

Whatever, you’re getting a gallon of something and who gives a shit if it’s poison water you’re drinking all of it.

-Add yeast and shake the glass bottle.

-Use the rest of the sanitizer to fill a bowl with sanitized water. Stick one end of a rubber tube into the glass bottle and the other end into the sanitized bowl. Usually you would try to figure out the science behind this step but fuck it you’re tired. Just do it.

-Read directions again. See that you shouldn’t have used all of the sanitizer. Write “sanitizer” on the chalk board.

-Store bottle and bowl of sanitizer in the cupboard.

Check back in 2 weeks for an episode in bottling.  

Corn Dogs

It’s impossible to eat a corn dog and not look like you’re giving a blow job and it always gets politicians in trouble. Regardless of your stance on fellas putting penises in their mouths, stuffing a cylinder of meat/fried dough into your food hole isn’t a good look on anyone. It’s not presidential; eat an ear of corn or something. Get a funnel cake. It should be a general rule that if you’re running for political office of any kind, penis shaped foods should be on the back burner for a little while.

Blog Restart

Alright so I'll try to start doing this again and we'll see how it goes. Some notes:

-I think I wanted to knock out 3 or 4 old women on the bus this morning and a lot had to do with their hair. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine's chiropractor friend had the old hair style that Kramer liked? I feel that way about the perm. You're just walking into the salon and saying "I need a mound of curls on the top of my head. Pile it up." No thanks.

-Girlfriend picked up Chick-Fil-A yesterday. Pretty awesome. This led to a conversation about best fast food spots and the rankings ended up this way:

1) Chick-Fil-A - Best chicken sandwiches but 3rd place on the fry game. Waffle fries are overrated like woah.
2) Wendys - 2nd best chicken sandwich and 2nd best fries. Just a solid all around experience.
3) McDonalds - 3rd best chicken sandwich and best fries.

-I don't run around calling women the c-word but Marie from The Real World: Virgin Islands is positioning herself pretty well to catch one. Chick is fucking awful. Just every New York stereotype in a gross, alcoholic shell. Fuck her.

-I sold my team name to a UK based businessman named Bardy Digett. He specializes in sales of upskirt photographs and has told me that if the team does well he'll attend an end of the year banquet.

I'm done writing the sign off about things being buster and asking you to come back. Shit's played out.

Bardy Digett

Blog Break

I'm taking a break from blogging. I'm going on a candy binge that would make Belushi look like a choir boy.

Blog Break isn't buster and is necessary. Keep coming back. Or don't. I don't know either way.

Bus Mover

I was on the bus the other day and the only open seats left were next to someone else. Not an issue, Chicago is a crowded city so you’re not always guaranteed a seat by yourself. We stop at 4 or 5 stops and, after people get off, there are a few empty seats around. I’m still sharing a seat with someone.

Is it rude to get up and take one of the now empty seats? I ask because the woman I was sitting next to jumped up and grabbed another seat pretty quickly? What the fuck? You think you’re too good for me? We’ve been sitting next to each other for 10 minutes now and I’ve been VERY fair about my overall seat space even though I’ve got about 50 pounds on you. You know what, I wouldn’t bang you even if I got the chance. Go screw yourself.

Bus Mover was a buster ass person. Keep coming back.

Popcorn Butter Process

Why do they make you put your own fake butter on the popcorn at the movies? They used to ask you if you wanted butter and then had a pretty good system. They’d fill 1/3 of the bag, add butter, fill another 1/3, add butter, fill the final 1/3, and add butter on top. Greasy as shit and delicious. Now they fill up the entire bag with popped corn and send you to the butter station on your own. I’m just reaching into a popcorn bag like a hungry bear and getting butter all over everything. This is terrible.

Skip the butter? No thanks, Obama. I reserve the right to die in a coffin the size of a piano. However, this diabetes medication is expensive as shit so I’d appreciate a little help on that.

Popcorn Butter Process is a buster as scene.

Bus Driver Thanks

I’ve never understood thanking the bus drivers when you get off the bus. Are you psyched that he’s stopping here? There’s a sign that says ‘Bus Stop’ so I’m pretty sure that it’s in a handbook somewhere that he’s got to hit the brakes. This guy’s not doing you a favor or anything, it’s his job.

I do throw the bus drivers a little “have a nice day” action but I doubt they ever do have one. Driving a bus has to be one of the bigger pains in the asses I’ve ever seen. Your job is to spend the day in traffic trying your best not to hit bikers that cut you off. Bus tracker said you’d be there 5 minutes earlier? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! THE BUS TRACKER SAYS YOU’RE LATE! People are the goddamned worst.

Bus Driver Thanks are buster but at least be civil. Keep coming back.

Ant Schedules

Do you think that ants get annoyed when you knock over their ant hills or are they just glad that they have something to do other than get food for that fat ass queen of theirs? I’ve played Simant in the past so I have a little bit of insight into ant culture. Everyone is out there getting eaten by spiders and getting cut up by lawnmowers while her fat ass doesn’t do anything. There’s no way you’re going to invade the kitchen unless she pulls her weight. That’s bullshit.

Yea, I used to play computer games where you pretended to be a bug. I was a chubby kid who got hair cuts from his mom and my social calendar was occasionally empty. Go fuck yourselves for judging me.

Ant Schedules sound buster. Keep coming back.

Spicy Food

I love making food spicy as shit for some reason. Italian food has cracked red pepper somewhere in it. Eggs are covered in Tabasco. Asian food has crazy rooster knockout hot sauce in it. I’m not sure if it makes the food taste any better but I know that in a lot of cases, I’m full on sweating when I finish eating something.

Could it be a form of subconscious punishment for eating poorly? You’re not going to put hot sauce on a salad unless you’re a fucking maniac. Fatty wants a slice of pizza? Fine, but your entire mouth is going to burn while you eat it. That’s your punishment for not being mindful of calorie intake. Enjoy this coming out the back end, chubs.

Hot Food isn't buster. Keep coming back.

Planned Poops

Last Saturday I was going to a friend’s house to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. It was about noon and I could tell that at some point I was going to have a poop party. I wasn’t in a situation where I had to start running home or anything like that but I could tell that eventually this needed to go down.

Keep in mind, pooping at my friends house is an unacceptable option. You want home court advantage in that situation. So now I have a dilemma: do I eat just a little bit and hope I can make it through the party without pooping or do I eat a lot and make sure I drop a deuce in the next 2 hours before we leave? It’s a tough one. The first option means you basically eat like a bird and get nervous every time you fart. If the second option doesn’t work then you’re not only pooping but it’s a bunker buster that you’re dropping at your friend’s house.

I went for the second option. Mission accomplished.

Planned Poops are a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Birthday

I don’t talk about my birthday anymore for a couple of reasons. To begin, it’s a terrible look. Telling people that your birthday is coming up is one of the sadder things that you can do. You may as well give them the money to buy a cake if you’re going to announce your birthday is coming up.

The second reason is that birthdays are officially nothing to celebrate at my age. From age 4-11 you imagine being a big kid and having a job delivering newspapers so it’s exciting. Birthday’s 12-14 are exciting because dick hair shows up. 15-20 is basically a countdown to getting shitfaced on the reg. After 21 it’s all downhill because there’s nothing left to celebrate. Happy 28th! What are your wishes this year? I wish that my balls wouldn’t hurt when the bus hits a pot hole. Fuck you.

Birthdays are now buster. Keep coming back.

Eating People

If you’re on a plane and your spouse dies do you get first dibs on the body when it’s time to eat them or is just a free for all situation? Everyone is hungry, sure, but I feel like you should at least get dibs on whatever parts of the body you want to eat. Losing your wife would be hard enough but having to tell a guy that he can’t just dive in and eat her chesticles would be a real pain in the ass. That’s rude, bro. Finish that piece of arm first and then we can talk about other spots.

Eating People could be a buster situation. Keep coming back.

Street People

Hey sir? Do you have a second to talk about gay rights?

No, I don’t have a second. If you see me on the street downtown anytime Monday through Friday I’m doing one of two things: going to lunch or going home. I only have time for two things at this point: sandwiches and trains that smell like piss. Unless you’re talking about gay people being made into food or some kind of gay public transit system then I’m busy.

I feel bad for you standing out here holding a clipboard so I’ll at least shake your hand and mumble something about being late for a meeting. It’s total bullshit but at least I’m acknowledging your existence instead of pretending you're not there. People with clipboards and Chicago's homeless, invisible to everyone.

Street People are buster. Keep coming back.

Meth

I’m in the bathroom trying to cook up some meth. I’ve got a bunch of chemicals in a bucket and I’m not sure what the next step is so I just add another chemical. That’s a mistake, as the bucket immediately melts and leaves a circular burn mark on the floor. Dad will be home soon so I need to do something. I clean up as well as I can but my dad still sees the burn mark and wants to know what happened. Thinking on my feet, I tell him that I tried to fry a chicken. He buys the fact that I was frying chicken in the bathroom but still, he’s fucking pissed.

I wake up. So apparently I’m living with my folks and getting addicted to meth in my dreams these days, which sucks. Even worse, no way is my dream dad going to let me make fried chicken from scratch anymore. Bad situation all around.

Meth dream was a buster situation. Keep coming back.

DVD Recycling

I’ve got to assume that at some point, stores don’t carry certain DVD’s any more. If they’ve been on the shelves for more than 2 years I assume they’ve got to go. Are they recycled or do they just get shipped off to countries that can’t be as picky about DVD purchases? I’m worried that people in Romania are just now watching Sister Act II for the first time and that bums me out a little bit.

DVD Recycling is buster. Keep coming back.

Magazines

I’ve got subscriptions to two different magazines and the pressure to read them is beginning to bother me. The first magazine is Details (which I got a free subscription to) and I don’t feel bad about that thing hitting the recycling bin without getting read. It’s a magazine that averages 10 pages of interesting writing buried in 140 pages of shirtless dudes. Pass.

The second magazine I subscribe to is The Economist and having that thing in the house makes me feel like I'm supposted to be cramming for a social studies exam. Why am I not reading all of the Africa section? Am I racist? What's this special report on the ISI's relationship with the Taliban? Jesus Christ, 6 pages? I've gone through half this article and I can't remember anything that I just read. Should I start over? Fuck it, I'm playing FIFA 12.

Magazines can be buster. Keep coming back.

Cryogenics

I don’t understand why anyone would want to be cryogenically frozen. Say that everything goes well and you’re actually woken up in 500 years. You wouldn’t understand anything, would have no bankable skills, and would likely end up as a ward of the state (if there's such a thing as "states" in the future). Stallone ended up all right in ‘Demolition Man’ but Wesley Snipes was a black guy who preferred blonde hair in that flick so I’m not sure if you can take that seriously.

If you don’t immediately die from some future disease that you’ve got no resistance against, I think the odds are pretty decent that you get tossed into a zoo. Just watch all of the TV that you missed (Whitney got 8 seasons, btw) and eat synthetic Chinese food while the gray children (everyone is gray in the future) of 2512 make fun of the fact that you poop like a Neanderthal. That doesn’t sound like something I’m personally interested in. Walt Disney is going to be pissed.

Cryogenics is a buster situation. Keep coming back.

Working Out

The only reason I work out in the morning is because I don’t want to be the most unappealing person in the room/bus. I don’t know why. It could be emotional scarring from a fairly unattractive childhood; it could be because in a hostage situation the ugliest people are probably shot first; maybe deep down I’m assuming an orgy is going to break out on the bus and I don’t want to be voted as camera guy. There could be many reasons but it’s a fact that I don’t want to be the most unappealing dude in the room.

Working Out is buster. Keep coming back.

Booze Change

I saw (and smelled) a guy in the 7-11 recently who was trying to buy himself some breakfast booze. It’s clear that this guy clearly needs some kind of help in his life. He buys his booze and only has $5. They say he’s about $.70 short or something and he begins to try and swipe his credit card which is kind of a train wreck situation. A lady, noticing this, rushed over and gave him $.70 so he could buy his booze.

If there is a higher power of some sort, what’s their divine opinion on that situation? This guy is clearly going to get that booze somehow so he can either get it by being given $.70 or he can get it by performing dangerous stunts for Chicago’s teenagers. At the same time, you’re basically contributing to this guy slowly killing himself by alcohol poisoning. I figure that’s a wash but I don’t have enough of a background in religion to be totally sure.

One other note: no way that woman gives the dude $.70 if he’s sitting outside asking for cash so he can get some food. Homeless drunk on sidewalk = invisible, keep on moving. Homeless drunk in 7-11 = give him whatever, he’s holding up the goddamned line.

Booze Change was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Ghost

Say it comes to your attention that there’s a ghost in your house. It’s not a stereotypical bad ghost: no scary drawings in a steamed up mirror while you shower, no opening all the cabinets in the kitchen. It’s just a soul that for whatever reason hasn’t moved on to the afterlife. Maybe he’s sticking around to see how many seasons ‘The Office’ stays on the air or something.

Would you make the ghost wear clothes? It’s not that I’m afraid to have a ghost penis in the room (and, quite frankly, I’m not sure of all the science behind ghost penises). I mostly don’t want a ghost creeping around the house where I can’t see him. I’d avoid a white sheet because that’s played out but I’d definitely insist on a t-shirt or something. I don’t want to worry about a ghost watching me deuce.

Ghost could be a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Pants Shopping

I can’t stand shopping. I think I’ve written in the past about buying shoes in 10 minutes. It’s the 1 pair of brown shoes that I have and I wear them to work 3-5 times every week. I know that I need a second pair of brown shoes and I can absolutely afford it but fuck that. I don’t want to spend another 10 minutes in the shoe store.

I hate shopping for jeans 10 times more. Jeans are far more intimate an occasion that define who you are to a degree. Are you a carpenter? Carpenter jeans. Are you a cowboy? Boot cut. Are you a douche? Make sure there’s a shit load of stitching decoration on the back pocket and you’re set. Want a pair of pants that is all one color? Too bad, every pair has been bleached on the front to make them look “worn in” so you can tell your friends that they travelled the Oregon Trail or something. Fuck me.

Pants shopping is buster. Keep coming back.

What's Up?

It’s strange how you can’t look at a person directly in the eye for more then a second without saying something. Unless you’re a psychopath, it’s impossible to just make eye contact with a stranger and not say anything. I guess it’s how people are socialized: squirrel staring at you = fine (and FUN), person staring at you = change seats on the train but don’t make it obvious.

This exact situation has led me to asking a lot of Chicago’s homeless about their day. It’s not I don’t want to help the homeless or anything like that but I’ve felt like an asshole a few times in the past when I’ve asked a homeless guy “how’s it going?” He’s selling pencils outside of a Walgreens so how great could it be going? “Hey what’s up?” What’s up? I’m about to drink this pint of vodka at 8:00 AM because my life is a fucking wreck is what’s up. Nice question, bro. I wish I could just pretend the homeless are invisible like everyone else in the city.

What's up is a buster ass question. Keep coming back.

Bar Girls

I’m not used to being approached by girls at the bar. There have been a number of reasons for me not being terribly approachable throughout the years (beer stained clothing, falling asleep at bar by 11, chain smoking cigarettes, food in beard, etc) and I was fine with that. I could have put gel in my hair and dressed nicer and tried harder to meet girls but I preferred to get drunk in the corner and wrestle with friends. We make the choices we make. The point is that I'm not used to being approached by women.

So if I AM approached by a girl I assume that she’s there to roofie me and steal my kidney/stuff me full of coke and use me as a drug mule/etc. In my mind there’s no reason for us to be conversing unless you’re trying to steal my organs. So, if there’s a girl out there who approached a bearded dude recently and ended up getting stiff armed then let me apologize. I thought I was in danger.

Bar Girls are buster. Keep coming back.

Elevator Talk

One thing I really don’t care for is elevator talk. There’s no better example of useless conversation then two strangers mumbling shit at one another on an elevator. It happens all the time and I don’t understand it. Are you worried that the cable’s going to snap so we all plunge to our deaths; do you need one more useless conversation before you die? Is this an exciting event for you so you’re all amped up and need to talk? Unless the elevator stalls for a few hours and we need to talk about whether going #2 is acceptable then we have nothing to talk about.

I had a great example of unnecessary elevator talk last night. "I smell.....steak. And.....fries." Silence. Are you goddamned serious? If the best topic of conversation is ‘Things I Smell’ lets go ahead and be quiet. While that would be a great conversation topic in North Korea (hermit country starvation joke, nailed it) it’s not something I need to hear about right now.

Elevator Talk is buster. Keep coming back.

JCut Baby

DAMMIT

No. NO! Pregnant now means that the baby is born sometime in October 2012. That’s games 4-8 in a make or break season for the franchise. How is a crabby/tired new dad Jay Cutler going to deal with Johnny Knox falling over on routes and Roy Williams dropping balls over the middle? Not well.

Championship teams don’t have QB’s birthing babies during the regular season. Your penis and all your strong arm super sperm belong to Halas Hall until you bring the Lombardi Trophy home. You’re being selfish right now.

JCut Baby is buster news. Congrats on the bundle of joy but GODDAMN this timing is poor. Keep coming back.

New Lunch Spot

For about a month now, I’ve been going to this Middle Eastern place called The Olive for lunch probably 2-3 days a week and crushing falafel sandwiches. The only problem is that The Olive is next to the sushi place that I used to frequent and every once in a while I see the owner (?) looking at me. I’m almost certain that he doesn’t care about where I eat or doesn’t recognize me because all white people look the same to him but I feel a little guilty.

I’m not sure why I assume that the guy at the sushi place is the owner who actually gives a shit where I eat. If it was a white dude I wouldn’t think he was the owner but since it’s an Asian guy I assume he’s the owner and that he may commit seppuku or something because I don’t want his $8 spicy crab roll. Is that racist? I can’t even tell in 2012

New Lunch Spot is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Santa Porn Visits

It's become apparent that I've had a lot of web traffic the past week or two because my site is anywhere from the 3rd - 12th page that comes up when you search "Santa Porn" in Google. Quick thoughts:

-Santa Porn must be an underserved industry if one post is enough to put me that high on the Google rankings.
-People visit the Santa Porn and immediately leave which kind of hurts my feelings. You guys don’t want to read about my fantasy football team? Fuck you.
-There are a SHITLOAD of people in India who want to watch Santa Claus bang one out. As worried as we get about super smart Indian people taking our jobs at the end of the day we’re all just people who want to watch horrific sex stuff on the internet. That’s kind of sweet, in a way.

Santa Porn Visits were unbuster. Keep coming back.

2012

Guess what happens when you throw up first thing in the morning? You get super thirsty. Guess what happens when you drink a shit ton of water to overcome the thirst? You throw up again and get thirsty all over. Repeat that 3 process times until you finally suck on ice cubes for a few hours. Finalize with diarrhea. Welcome to 2012.

My resolution is to post more often this year. Even though my blog gets about 2.5 hits a day I still get a lot of lip service at the bar for never posting so now I'm just doing it out of spite. I also want to try new recipes.

2012 is a buster ass year so far. Keep coming back.