Popcorn Butter Process

Why do they make you put your own fake butter on the popcorn at the movies? They used to ask you if you wanted butter and then had a pretty good system. They’d fill 1/3 of the bag, add butter, fill another 1/3, add butter, fill the final 1/3, and add butter on top. Greasy as shit and delicious. Now they fill up the entire bag with popped corn and send you to the butter station on your own. I’m just reaching into a popcorn bag like a hungry bear and getting butter all over everything. This is terrible.

Skip the butter? No thanks, Obama. I reserve the right to die in a coffin the size of a piano. However, this diabetes medication is expensive as shit so I’d appreciate a little help on that.

Popcorn Butter Process is a buster as scene.

Bus Driver Thanks

I’ve never understood thanking the bus drivers when you get off the bus. Are you psyched that he’s stopping here? There’s a sign that says ‘Bus Stop’ so I’m pretty sure that it’s in a handbook somewhere that he’s got to hit the brakes. This guy’s not doing you a favor or anything, it’s his job.

I do throw the bus drivers a little “have a nice day” action but I doubt they ever do have one. Driving a bus has to be one of the bigger pains in the asses I’ve ever seen. Your job is to spend the day in traffic trying your best not to hit bikers that cut you off. Bus tracker said you’d be there 5 minutes earlier? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! THE BUS TRACKER SAYS YOU’RE LATE! People are the goddamned worst.

Bus Driver Thanks are buster but at least be civil. Keep coming back.

Ant Schedules

Do you think that ants get annoyed when you knock over their ant hills or are they just glad that they have something to do other than get food for that fat ass queen of theirs? I’ve played Simant in the past so I have a little bit of insight into ant culture. Everyone is out there getting eaten by spiders and getting cut up by lawnmowers while her fat ass doesn’t do anything. There’s no way you’re going to invade the kitchen unless she pulls her weight. That’s bullshit.

Yea, I used to play computer games where you pretended to be a bug. I was a chubby kid who got hair cuts from his mom and my social calendar was occasionally empty. Go fuck yourselves for judging me.

Ant Schedules sound buster. Keep coming back.

Spicy Food

I love making food spicy as shit for some reason. Italian food has cracked red pepper somewhere in it. Eggs are covered in Tabasco. Asian food has crazy rooster knockout hot sauce in it. I’m not sure if it makes the food taste any better but I know that in a lot of cases, I’m full on sweating when I finish eating something.

Could it be a form of subconscious punishment for eating poorly? You’re not going to put hot sauce on a salad unless you’re a fucking maniac. Fatty wants a slice of pizza? Fine, but your entire mouth is going to burn while you eat it. That’s your punishment for not being mindful of calorie intake. Enjoy this coming out the back end, chubs.

Hot Food isn't buster. Keep coming back.

Planned Poops

Last Saturday I was going to a friend’s house to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. It was about noon and I could tell that at some point I was going to have a poop party. I wasn’t in a situation where I had to start running home or anything like that but I could tell that eventually this needed to go down.

Keep in mind, pooping at my friends house is an unacceptable option. You want home court advantage in that situation. So now I have a dilemma: do I eat just a little bit and hope I can make it through the party without pooping or do I eat a lot and make sure I drop a deuce in the next 2 hours before we leave? It’s a tough one. The first option means you basically eat like a bird and get nervous every time you fart. If the second option doesn’t work then you’re not only pooping but it’s a bunker buster that you’re dropping at your friend’s house.

I went for the second option. Mission accomplished.

Planned Poops are a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Birthday

I don’t talk about my birthday anymore for a couple of reasons. To begin, it’s a terrible look. Telling people that your birthday is coming up is one of the sadder things that you can do. You may as well give them the money to buy a cake if you’re going to announce your birthday is coming up.

The second reason is that birthdays are officially nothing to celebrate at my age. From age 4-11 you imagine being a big kid and having a job delivering newspapers so it’s exciting. Birthday’s 12-14 are exciting because dick hair shows up. 15-20 is basically a countdown to getting shitfaced on the reg. After 21 it’s all downhill because there’s nothing left to celebrate. Happy 28th! What are your wishes this year? I wish that my balls wouldn’t hurt when the bus hits a pot hole. Fuck you.

Birthdays are now buster. Keep coming back.

Eating People

If you’re on a plane and your spouse dies do you get first dibs on the body when it’s time to eat them or is just a free for all situation? Everyone is hungry, sure, but I feel like you should at least get dibs on whatever parts of the body you want to eat. Losing your wife would be hard enough but having to tell a guy that he can’t just dive in and eat her chesticles would be a real pain in the ass. That’s rude, bro. Finish that piece of arm first and then we can talk about other spots.

Eating People could be a buster situation. Keep coming back.

Street People

Hey sir? Do you have a second to talk about gay rights?

No, I don’t have a second. If you see me on the street downtown anytime Monday through Friday I’m doing one of two things: going to lunch or going home. I only have time for two things at this point: sandwiches and trains that smell like piss. Unless you’re talking about gay people being made into food or some kind of gay public transit system then I’m busy.

I feel bad for you standing out here holding a clipboard so I’ll at least shake your hand and mumble something about being late for a meeting. It’s total bullshit but at least I’m acknowledging your existence instead of pretending you're not there. People with clipboards and Chicago's homeless, invisible to everyone.

Street People are buster. Keep coming back.

Meth

I’m in the bathroom trying to cook up some meth. I’ve got a bunch of chemicals in a bucket and I’m not sure what the next step is so I just add another chemical. That’s a mistake, as the bucket immediately melts and leaves a circular burn mark on the floor. Dad will be home soon so I need to do something. I clean up as well as I can but my dad still sees the burn mark and wants to know what happened. Thinking on my feet, I tell him that I tried to fry a chicken. He buys the fact that I was frying chicken in the bathroom but still, he’s fucking pissed.

I wake up. So apparently I’m living with my folks and getting addicted to meth in my dreams these days, which sucks. Even worse, no way is my dream dad going to let me make fried chicken from scratch anymore. Bad situation all around.

Meth dream was a buster situation. Keep coming back.