Beer Drinking

Easiest process yet:

-Stick beers in fridge in the morning

-Open 1^st beer at about 7 PM and pour it into a glass

-Look at beer to make sure there’s no weird shit floating around in there.

-Drink beer. It definitely tastes like an IPA, but it seems to be a little off. Fuck it.  

-Wonder what the alcohol content of this beer is.

-Continue to drink beer, noting that it tastes better after it’s been aired out for a little while. Or does it taste better just because you’ve gotten used to the taste? Are you a little drunk off a beer and a half? Either way, open 2^nd beer.

-Drink 2^nd beer.

-Once again, wonder what the alcohol content is because you’ve had a little less then 3 beers and you’re kind of zonked.  

-Watch Parks and Recreation. Amy Poehler, LOLZ.

“DON’T CARE”

Whether or not this story is true, I think it’s entirely believable. I’ve heard enough about other Jay Cutler sightings and watched him respond to enough stupid  questions to believe that it’s within Jay Cutler to act this way to a random guy that started a conversation with him in a bathroom.

If it is true, I don’t necessarily see what Jay Cutler did wrong. What does Jay Cutler owe you as the starting QB of the Chicago Bears? Chit chat at the bar? No, he does not owe you fucking chit chat. At a sanctioned Chicago Bears “come meet the players and pay money for them to chit chat with you and sign some shit” event, yes he owes you some chit chat because you paid money for that. Other then that, all he “owes” you as a fan of the Chicago Bears is an effort to win every game. And he does that, nobody has ever accused him of not taking the job of quarterbacking seriously.  

You ever have a person just randomly start talking to you? It’s offsetting. It goes against social norms to just walk up to a complete stranger and start talking to them. And that’s what you are, random bathroom dude, a stranger. Let’s talk about how big a fan I am while your dick is out because I OWN YOUR JERSEY AND FUCK THE PACKERS, RIGHT? Could he handle it differently? Sure. But maybe you caught him on a bad day. Maybe he’s a little drunk. Have you ever been drunk or having a bad day knowing that the entire bar is aware of you and watching your every move? Would you be comfortable eating nachos with 40 people watching you? No way.

“But he’s not trying that hard. He threw 4 picks against the Packers.” Yea, but he always tries to fit the ball into tight windows. That’s what makes him great. And Earl Bennett could have come back for one of those balls.

“But what about that pick he threw into double coverage towards Marshall?” Haha. Yea, he was pretty much over it by that point.

Racist?

Is it racist if you think things about another race that don’t make any sense? What if your grandmother tells you that black people can’t eat cake because their tongues are backwards? How do you respond to that? Is grandma racist because she is painting an entire group of people with far too broad a brush or is she so sideways in the head that she gets a free pass? Asian people can’t eat oranges because they don’t have fingernails and the citrus burns too much. What?

Gyro Breakfast

8:50 this morning, getting my bagel on. Transcript of the guy who orders after me:

Weirdo: Gyros please.

Barely Bilingual Cashier: What?

W: Do you have gyros right now?

BBC: No.

W: What’s available?

BBC: (Motions towards breakfast menu) Breakfast.

W: Okay, I’ll have the over under but if possible I’d like to make a modification when I order it. Can I have stripsofbacononitplease?

BBC: What?

W: I’d like to have the over under but I’d need to modify need, I’d need to modify the sandwich if possible. Can I have bacon on it?

BBC: It comes with bacon.

W: Okay.

Some thoughts:

1) So weirded out that my day is basically shot.

2) If you’re buying gyros for breakfast, you probably have a refrigerator that’s dedicated to hooker heads, right? Well adjusted human beings don't want raw onions and lamb meat at 8:50 in the morning.

3) Possible alien doing reconnaissance on our defense capabilities prior to a full scale invasion? But wouldn’t they do research on our eating habits before in order to stay in cognito? Maybe one of the less able aliens had that job and fucked it up. Do you think there are alien fuck ups? Any aliens that still live with their folks into their alien30’s and work at aliengasstations?

4) Yea, this day is fucking cooked.

Beer Bottling

Much shorter process:

-“Sanitize” all of your bottles/equipment used in the bottling process. Note that you’ve used up all of the sanitizer provided with the kit last week. Decide that filling the sink with super hot water and dish soap will sanitize the bottles enough because fuck it, right?

-Siphon beer from giant glass jug into a pot with a honey & water mixture. While siphoning, note that some of the liquid you got into your mouth tastes somewhat like beer but also somewhat like poison.

-Siphon beer/honeywater mixture into bottles. Make sure that the liquid still tastes like poison (it does) and also make sure to spill some liquid on the floor/cabinets.

-Store beer for another 2 weeks in the closet. For how much time this beer spends in the closet, you get the feeling that pretty soon you’ll need to have a serious conversation about its relationship with its “friend” Reginald.

-Feel good about the joke above. Topical.

-Go watch Jay Cutler and the Bears embarrass themselves on national television so you can wonder, why THE FUCK J’MARCUS WEBB IS ON AN ISLAND AGAINST ONE OF THE BEST RUSHING LINEBACKERS IN THE LEAGUE AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RUN GAME DID MIKE MARTZ COME BACK AND DECIDE THAT WE SHOULDN’T USE BLOCKING TIGHT ENDS ANYMORE AND YOU CAN’T DROP THAT BALL, BRANDON.

Hotness Increase

You never see a person (outside of movies) who goes from a 2 to a 9 (on the standard 1 – 10 hotness scale) by dropping a couple of pounds and grooming themselves a bit better. In reality, you maybe go from a 2 to a 5 and you get so pissed about only being a 5 that you just give up and go back to 2. All that effort just to be “meh” so you say fuck it, Cheetos for breakfast.

All I can say is that I held off on a Chipotle burrito today and I'm not sure why. So I could save a couple hundred calories? Balls to that. If I avoid carbs for the rest of my life my forehead isn't getting any smaller.