Why is it that I run out of the room when I see a spider but I'll click on links that say "World's Biggest Shit?" It's probably because spiders eat flies and that's fucking gross.
Spiders are buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Racist Fish
I have a fish tank and I’m somewhat worried that they’re going to embarass me sometime when I have company. Since they’re fish, they’re kind of skittish and hide a lot when people come over and look through the glass, regardless of who is looking. Suppose, however, that I bring a friend of a different race or ethnicity over and the fish hide. Do I just assume that it had nothing to do with my friends’ skin tone or do I play it safe and apologize? Sorry, the fish have been watching a lot of ‘The Wire’ and they’re kind of freaked out by Marlo Stanfield. They mean well but they’re just a little sheltered, you know. They’re fish.
Racist Fish are buster. Keep coming back.
Racist Fish are buster. Keep coming back.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dog #2
I don’t know if anyone else has this problem, but I feel terrible for dogs when I see them going #2. It’s not the fact that they look uncomfortable even though they do; it’s all weird squatting and eyes bulging out of their heads.
The main reason I feel bad about dogs going #2 is because they’re the only animal whose shit can lead to random strangers getting into arguments. Cats poop inside. Birds crap on anything they want. Monkeys throw their shit at each other and nobody blinks an eye. But if some poor bulge eyed dog drops a #2 and it’s not immediately picked up people will start screaming at each other. The dog is the only animal that's a prisoner of it's bowel movements.
Imagine how that feels for the dog: “I eat dry, protein rich food and get walked once a day so a shit is coming during this walk and you know it. Here it comes! AH! That was great. Okay, pick this up and lets get out of here. You don’t have a bag? You lazy asshole; now I feel guilty because some kid is going to ride his bike through that. What’s wrong with you? Oh shit, did someone catch us? Great, now I have to listen to this guy threaten to call the police because of my shit. Oh no, he's actually calling. Some crack head is going to eat a baby because a policemen is dealing with the mess I just made on the sidewalk. I'm embarrassed; no other animal has to deal with this. I’m never taking a shit again. Ever, I’m serious. This is awful.” Poor dog now has a complex about going #2. It’s a real situation.
Dog #2 is a buster scene. Keep coming back.
The main reason I feel bad about dogs going #2 is because they’re the only animal whose shit can lead to random strangers getting into arguments. Cats poop inside. Birds crap on anything they want. Monkeys throw their shit at each other and nobody blinks an eye. But if some poor bulge eyed dog drops a #2 and it’s not immediately picked up people will start screaming at each other. The dog is the only animal that's a prisoner of it's bowel movements.
Imagine how that feels for the dog: “I eat dry, protein rich food and get walked once a day so a shit is coming during this walk and you know it. Here it comes! AH! That was great. Okay, pick this up and lets get out of here. You don’t have a bag? You lazy asshole; now I feel guilty because some kid is going to ride his bike through that. What’s wrong with you? Oh shit, did someone catch us? Great, now I have to listen to this guy threaten to call the police because of my shit. Oh no, he's actually calling. Some crack head is going to eat a baby because a policemen is dealing with the mess I just made on the sidewalk. I'm embarrassed; no other animal has to deal with this. I’m never taking a shit again. Ever, I’m serious. This is awful.” Poor dog now has a complex about going #2. It’s a real situation.
Dog #2 is a buster scene. Keep coming back.
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