Blog Break

I'm taking a break from blogging. I'm going on a candy binge that would make Belushi look like a choir boy.

Blog Break isn't buster and is necessary. Keep coming back. Or don't. I don't know either way.

Bus Mover

I was on the bus the other day and the only open seats left were next to someone else. Not an issue, Chicago is a crowded city so you’re not always guaranteed a seat by yourself. We stop at 4 or 5 stops and, after people get off, there are a few empty seats around. I’m still sharing a seat with someone.

Is it rude to get up and take one of the now empty seats? I ask because the woman I was sitting next to jumped up and grabbed another seat pretty quickly? What the fuck? You think you’re too good for me? We’ve been sitting next to each other for 10 minutes now and I’ve been VERY fair about my overall seat space even though I’ve got about 50 pounds on you. You know what, I wouldn’t bang you even if I got the chance. Go screw yourself.

Bus Mover was a buster ass person. Keep coming back.

Popcorn Butter Process

Why do they make you put your own fake butter on the popcorn at the movies? They used to ask you if you wanted butter and then had a pretty good system. They’d fill 1/3 of the bag, add butter, fill another 1/3, add butter, fill the final 1/3, and add butter on top. Greasy as shit and delicious. Now they fill up the entire bag with popped corn and send you to the butter station on your own. I’m just reaching into a popcorn bag like a hungry bear and getting butter all over everything. This is terrible.

Skip the butter? No thanks, Obama. I reserve the right to die in a coffin the size of a piano. However, this diabetes medication is expensive as shit so I’d appreciate a little help on that.

Popcorn Butter Process is a buster as scene.

Bus Driver Thanks

I’ve never understood thanking the bus drivers when you get off the bus. Are you psyched that he’s stopping here? There’s a sign that says ‘Bus Stop’ so I’m pretty sure that it’s in a handbook somewhere that he’s got to hit the brakes. This guy’s not doing you a favor or anything, it’s his job.

I do throw the bus drivers a little “have a nice day” action but I doubt they ever do have one. Driving a bus has to be one of the bigger pains in the asses I’ve ever seen. Your job is to spend the day in traffic trying your best not to hit bikers that cut you off. Bus tracker said you’d be there 5 minutes earlier? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! THE BUS TRACKER SAYS YOU’RE LATE! People are the goddamned worst.

Bus Driver Thanks are buster but at least be civil. Keep coming back.

Ant Schedules

Do you think that ants get annoyed when you knock over their ant hills or are they just glad that they have something to do other than get food for that fat ass queen of theirs? I’ve played Simant in the past so I have a little bit of insight into ant culture. Everyone is out there getting eaten by spiders and getting cut up by lawnmowers while her fat ass doesn’t do anything. There’s no way you’re going to invade the kitchen unless she pulls her weight. That’s bullshit.

Yea, I used to play computer games where you pretended to be a bug. I was a chubby kid who got hair cuts from his mom and my social calendar was occasionally empty. Go fuck yourselves for judging me.

Ant Schedules sound buster. Keep coming back.

Spicy Food

I love making food spicy as shit for some reason. Italian food has cracked red pepper somewhere in it. Eggs are covered in Tabasco. Asian food has crazy rooster knockout hot sauce in it. I’m not sure if it makes the food taste any better but I know that in a lot of cases, I’m full on sweating when I finish eating something.

Could it be a form of subconscious punishment for eating poorly? You’re not going to put hot sauce on a salad unless you’re a fucking maniac. Fatty wants a slice of pizza? Fine, but your entire mouth is going to burn while you eat it. That’s your punishment for not being mindful of calorie intake. Enjoy this coming out the back end, chubs.

Hot Food isn't buster. Keep coming back.

Planned Poops

Last Saturday I was going to a friend’s house to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. It was about noon and I could tell that at some point I was going to have a poop party. I wasn’t in a situation where I had to start running home or anything like that but I could tell that eventually this needed to go down.

Keep in mind, pooping at my friends house is an unacceptable option. You want home court advantage in that situation. So now I have a dilemma: do I eat just a little bit and hope I can make it through the party without pooping or do I eat a lot and make sure I drop a deuce in the next 2 hours before we leave? It’s a tough one. The first option means you basically eat like a bird and get nervous every time you fart. If the second option doesn’t work then you’re not only pooping but it’s a bunker buster that you’re dropping at your friend’s house.

I went for the second option. Mission accomplished.

Planned Poops are a buster scene. Keep coming back.