Dead Plants

If there's anything more depressing then a bunch of dead ass plants around the condo then I don't know what it is. It's supposed to be easy:

1) Buy plant
2) Water plant
3) Be sophisticated because you have plants

You know what's not sophisticated? Plant corpses just laying all over the place and looking like turds. Plants are supposed to represent life and fertility an all they look like to me are fire hazards. Buster ass move, plants.

Dead Plants are a buster scene. Keep coming back.

CTA Babies

I leave work yesterday to head towards the train. Chicago decided that it’s winter again so after 2 or 3 days of awesome weather we’re back to getting smoked in the face with ice shards every day. Mother Nature is acting like she’s manic depressive with these weather swings and that’s a buster ass move on her part. Get some Xanex and make it Spring already.

Nothing weird at the train station. Just a homeless dude belting out his off key versions of the oldies and a couple of women screaming curse words at each other. Y’know, regular Monday stuff.

I grab a seat on the train and everything is going find until we hit Fullerton. Then I realize there’s a baby on the train. Seeing a stroller on the CTA is a buster ass situation; babies fall only behind drunk Cubs fans as the shittiest CTA passengers out there. Of course, baby isn’t happy about something and proceeds to scream his ass off for the rest of the time I’m on the train. Buster ass move by the baby but it’s nothing compared to the mom. Mom’s just looking out the window and pretending that everything’s all good. Lady, give the kid a binky or a bottle or something. You’re just gonna stare out the window and go to a happy place while the kid wilds out the entire trip home? Buster ass move.

CTA Babies are buster. Keep coming back.

Italian Ass Wrecking

CNN - Berlusconi has been indicted for paying for sex with an under-age prostitute, 17-year-old Karima el Mahroug -- nicknamed "Ruby the heart-stealer." The liaison allegedly happened last spring, during parties at his villa -- something both she and he deny.

Prosecutors also allege Berlusconi abused his power by calling police to try to get "Ruby" released after she was arrested for theft last May. He says he thought she was related to the since-deposed Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak and he was acting in Italy's interest by trying to avoid a diplomatic incident.

Get that ass, Silvio Berlusconi. Probably a little bit young for you but I like the moxie. Europeans are just outclassing their US counterparts in political sex scandals. Bill Clinton getting busy with Monica in the Oval Office? Buster ass move. Silvio raises you with a mansion sex swing party full of under age immigrant call girls.

I’m also throwing the diplomatic incident excuse in my back pocket because that's gold. Girlfriends pissed because I got too drunk at her friends’ birthday party? It was an Irish themed bar so not getting slammed would have been rude to the Irish. International incident avoided. Case closed.

Italian Ass Wrecking is unbuster news. Keep coming back.

Flying Follies

I go out to the east coast to visit the corporate headquarters for a year end review. Visiting corporate headquarters = 3 hours of meetings and 5 hours of playing brick breaker while pretending to read e-mails. Brick breaker is not buster. The meetings went well and I got some decent meals out of the visit so overall it was a pretty good trip. Basically, if I get to eat and don’t spill food on my work pants then I consider a work trip successful.

I leave on Thursday and get to the airport just to run into the slowest TSA screener on the planet. Chick just looked like an ex-librarian who decided to fight al-Qaeda by scanning my underpants 3 times. Fighting the terrorists with librarians? Buster ass move.

I get to the gate and decide to just hang out for a while. The airport has free wifi so I can look at the number of people who visit the blog each day and believe me when I say it’s a buster number. It’s like having a birthday party and the only kids who show up are cousins.

It’s time to line up to board and I take Southwest Airlines which is fun because you see the worst side of human beings possible. You’ve got all types of dick bags on Southwest. There’s always some guy who doesn’t understand the system. Dude's just in front of the line with B29 when they start boarding the A’s and gets all pouty ass when he can’t get on the plane first. Buster ass move. Then you have some person who is adamant about getting the proper number alignment. They think that since they have B22 and I have B24 they can just blast me in the face with their shoulder. Buster ass move. I won’t even get into all of the buster ass shit on the plane but I’ll talk about the one I hate the most: talking on the phone. Seriously, bro? Something came up in the 15 minutes between getting on the plane and taking off? You’re gonna have a conversation about Sudoku puzzles for 10 minutes before a stewardess forces you to hang up? Buster ass move.

Flying Follies are buster. Keep coming back.

Train Penny

There's a saying: "See a penny, pick it up, the rest of the day you'll have good luck." Well, go ahead and add "Unless it's on the orange line. That shit's gross." Saw a penny on the train back from Midway today and decided that some good luck was in order. Picked that thing up and realized within a second that no good was coming out of the situation. Buster ass move. My luck is unchanged but I'm guessing the amount of homeless guy feces on my fingers is through the roof.

Train Penny was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Coffee Shirt

I have to go on a business trip out to the east coast. There's a lot of planning involved: booking hotels, booking flights, setting agendas, etc. There's a lot of logistics that I had to work out: I woke up at 5:00 this morning so I can get downtown and onto an orange line to Midway by 6:30. I did laundry and ironed last night. I got everything packed as well. I have everything covered. Everything is planned out perfectly.

Everything other than eating like a dickhead. Coffee on the shirt within 2 minutes of buying it. Buster ass move on my part.

Coffee Shirt is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Chinese Food

So I’m watching the news the other day and I find out that the only Chinese place around the condo is getting shut down. They claim it’s because of health code violations. Hunan Egg Roll King is just doing me dirty and putting rat poops in the food.

Then I wake up. Is my brain being serious with these dreams right now? You can’t make me climb a mountain or fight a leopard or something? You’ve got me watching the local news which is bad enough but then you’re gonna make me worry about friendly Chinese dudes just taking dumps on my sweet & sour combo plate? Buster ass move.

Chinese Food dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Super Bowl Hit Squad

1) BLT dip – The best thing that’s happened to me in the past 5 years is finding out that BLT dip was a real thing. Girlfriend isn’t going to like me saying that but it is what it is.

2) Aaron Rodgers – He’s a little bit buster because he’ll be giving the Chicago Bears fits for the next decade but goddamn is he a good player. Aaron Rodgers > Brett Favre and that makes me smile.

3) Cowboys & Aliens – I won’t watch this movie but it’s awesome that it’s going to get made AND that you somehow managed to get big names involved. Daniel Craig rolling towards aliens with a six shooter? No shit? It’s nice to see that acid use is rampant in Hollywood.

4) W – Say what you will about his politics but he’s a likable guy. Just catching the game with Mr. Jones and having a hot dog. Iraq war crimes what? Bitch, I’m retired.

Super Bowl Hit Squad is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Super Bowl Sharts

1) Black Eyed Peas – Who is in charge of booking half time shows? How about The Black Keys at half time in Arlington? Those guys would have ripped the place to shreds and instead I have to watch Will.I.Am dance around like an asshole with metal hair. Buster ass scene.

2) Dates with pits – Just awful. I spent about 20 minutes looking for dates in Jewel which is a buster ass amount of time to shop for fruit. Then I come to find out that the dates I’ve got have pits in them? Buster ass move. These are supposed be bacon wrapped dates, not bacon wrapped dates mixed with my friends chipped teeth.

3) GoDaddy.com – Full frontal nudity next year or go the away for good. I don’t even know what your business is but I hope it fails.

4) No guacamole – Guacamole is basically my go to dish that I bring to parties but I didn’t bring it last night. Not enough buzz. Having fingers smell like cilantro all day? Actually, that’s awesome, but taking the guac for granted is about as buster ass it gets.

In the end I'm just glad that the Vikings sucked this year. I really don't like the Vikings.

Super Bowl Sharts are buster. Keep coming back.

Car Ride

I’m driving down the street and I’m not 100% sure of where I’m going. All I know is that I need to drive somewhere and drop of my friend, Jimbo. Having to give rides is one of the more buster aspects of being friends with someone. Giving rides blows.

Then I look a little closer at Jimbo. Turns out that he’s a character from ‘The Simpsons.’ Hold up, brain. Not only are you going to force me to give some dude a ride in my dream but you’re gonna throw some part time character my way? Buster ass move. Granted, I don’t want to drive Bart because he’d be a pain in the ass but at least let me drive Barney to his AA meeting or something. Pick it up, brain.

Ride dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Murderstorm

If the reader isn’t already aware, I live in Chicago and we recently caught the tail end of a crazy ass winter storm which included something called “thunder snow.” That sounds like a made up term but apparently it’s real. You’re just gonna have weather that sounds like some kind of Tolkien creation running around here? Buster ass move. If anything from the LOTR trilogy is gonna show up it better be that dwarf guy. He can pound brews, I bet.

I’m at work on Tuesday and all day around the office we keep hearing about other places shutting shop at about 12 and cancelling work on Wednesday. However, where I work its business as usual; don’t worry about blood covered snow outside your window.

I bounce at 2 because it’s clear we’re about to get destroyed by the weather and I’m all about making executive decisions that require me to leave work early. The rest of my trip home was just a buster ass clinic. Crowded red line? Check. Tsunami winds with ice shards? Check. Walking single file in snow behind a girl who tops out at 2 mph? Check. That last one is the most buster move of them all. Where do you learn to walk like that? It’s impolite to walk that slow unless you were injured in WWII.

Murderstorm is buster. Keep coming back.

Surfing CTA

I watched a dude ride the bus today and he basically surfed the entire way. No joke. Instead of grabbing onto something he decides to just get into a full crouch and ride the 136 like he’s on a long board or something. I don’t get it: holding onto bus handles = GROSS! GERMS; surfing on bus and looking like a lunatic = reasonable solution. This city is goddamned bananas.

Surfing CTA is buster. Keep coming back.