Coolness

There are various ways to be cool throughout life:

Ages 0-2: Just be quiet. That's cool as it gets for a baby.
Ages 3-5: Don't dump your pants.
Ages 6-11: Be good at sports.
Ages 12-14: Be a dick to teachers. Start smoking if you can.
Ages 15-18: Be a dick to teachers. Start drinking if you can.
Ages 19-30: I'll let you know when I figure this out.
Ages 31-death: Don't dump your pants.

Coolness is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Thanksgiving

Thoughts on Thanksgiving this week:

-The office is about 50% empty today. If there was ever a day to see what would happen after peeing in a trash can under my desk, today is that day.
-Days like this make me think of the eventual apocalypse (spurned by zombies, nuclear war, you name it) that wipes out 90% of mankind. I’ll have fun for 2 weeks by just throwing shit off of roofs but then the reality will sink in: the only porn available is magazine form because there’s no electricity. Shit’s gonna get dark real quick.
-I'm skipping the bar scene Wednesday. I'll catch up with friends Friday/Saturday if I have to but I can't handle the bars anymore. How many Jaeger bombs are you buying? 10? Oh, you goddamned kids.
-Thanksgiving at my house is Godfather 1 & 2 on AMC, me silently cursing about parlays getting blown up, and hearing my dad call republicans “cocksuckers” all weekend. Norman Rockwell, eat your heart out.

Thanksgiving is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Spiders vs. Shits

Why is it that I run out of the room when I see a spider but I'll click on links that say "World's Biggest Shit?" It's probably because spiders eat flies and that's fucking gross.

Spiders are buster. Keep coming back.

Racist Fish

I have a fish tank and I’m somewhat worried that they’re going to embarass me sometime when I have company. Since they’re fish, they’re kind of skittish and hide a lot when people come over and look through the glass, regardless of who is looking. Suppose, however, that I bring a friend of a different race or ethnicity over and the fish hide. Do I just assume that it had nothing to do with my friends’ skin tone or do I play it safe and apologize? Sorry, the fish have been watching a lot of ‘The Wire’ and they’re kind of freaked out by Marlo Stanfield. They mean well but they’re just a little sheltered, you know. They’re fish.

Racist Fish are buster. Keep coming back.

Dog #2

I don’t know if anyone else has this problem, but I feel terrible for dogs when I see them going #2. It’s not the fact that they look uncomfortable even though they do; it’s all weird squatting and eyes bulging out of their heads.

The main reason I feel bad about dogs going #2 is because they’re the only animal whose shit can lead to random strangers getting into arguments. Cats poop inside. Birds crap on anything they want. Monkeys throw their shit at each other and nobody blinks an eye. But if some poor bulge eyed dog drops a #2 and it’s not immediately picked up people will start screaming at each other. The dog is the only animal that's a prisoner of it's bowel movements.

Imagine how that feels for the dog: “I eat dry, protein rich food and get walked once a day so a shit is coming during this walk and you know it. Here it comes! AH! That was great. Okay, pick this up and lets get out of here. You don’t have a bag? You lazy asshole; now I feel guilty because some kid is going to ride his bike through that. What’s wrong with you? Oh shit, did someone catch us? Great, now I have to listen to this guy threaten to call the police because of my shit. Oh no, he's actually calling. Some crack head is going to eat a baby because a policemen is dealing with the mess I just made on the sidewalk. I'm embarrassed; no other animal has to deal with this. I’m never taking a shit again. Ever, I’m serious. This is awful.” Poor dog now has a complex about going #2. It’s a real situation.

Dog #2 is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

DRAFT!

Hat tip to the commish for a solid draft experience once my computer pulled it's head out of it's ass. If I get to my desk at 8 and need to take a deuce by 8:10 I know that I had a great time the night before.

Rashard Mendenhall ($35) – Good keeper because he smashes faces and would have been at least $10 more if he hit the open market. More red zone carries for this guy, Mr. Tomlin.

Steven Jackson ($46) – This guy can smash faces or burn people and his numbers are on the way up now that St. Louis has a QB with a pulse. The Rams offense is getting sneaky good.

Ray Rice ($69) – Did the CLBC just throw $150 down to make the most fearsome RB stable in the league? Looks like it. When this deal was finalized I’m pretty sure 2 teams left the draft room to change their underpants.

Roy Helu ($1) – Mike Shanahan can get 1,200 yards from anyone who isn’t in a wheelchair and the Ryan Torrain/Tim Hightower backfield doesn't make any defensive coordinator nervous. Helu starts stealing carries by week 3 and is the full time starter by week 5. Big time upside.

Steve Johnson ($1) – My second keeper who’s going to get 12 – 15 targets a game from Fitzpatrick. It’s very possible that this guy gets doubled and is still the best option on passing downs because the WR group in Buffalo is a fart.

Danario Alexander ($7) – Who? Just a giant who’s coming off an injury on a team with no standout WR’s. Sleeper special.

Jordy Nelson ($7) – White slot guy. White slot guys get points for cheap in PPR leagues.

Kevin Walter ($1) – See above.

Nate Burleson ($1) – With everyone watching Calvin Johnson this dude will run free underneath and stack up yards even though trips to the endzone will be rare.

Arrelious Benn ($1) – Big time sleeper special coming off an injury/inconsistent rookie year. Josh Freeman is a good QB who needs targets and I’m guessing the former 2nd round pick shows up this season. No risk and high reward.

Jay Cutler ($9) – Dude just showed up in great shape with the best mechanics of his life and is ready to murder people for 35 a game in the Martz offense. I’m pretty sure he dumped Cavalari because she was interfering with his playbook study time. No shit.

Eli Manning ($6) – Hahahaha. I’ve slammed 7 beers in 2 hours and it’s everyone else who’s acting shitfaced because there’s no way I got this guy for $6. CLBC front office just taking people to the woodshed.

Owen Daniels ($15) – If he didn’t get hurt in 2010 he probably would have gone for $25 or something like that. Any starter in the Houston offense is going to put up numbers.

Kevin Boss ($1) – Oakland is a fucking trainwreck every year but Jason Campbell is a QB who checks down to the TE when he needs to. Solid backup/situation starter for $1.

Giants D/ST ($1) – Um, sure. I may keep you or I may not. Nobody gives a shit.

Adam Vinatieri ($1) – He’s a kicker. If you spend more then $2 combined on your D/ST and kicker spots then you haven’t done the auction draft correctly.

Santa Porn

Imagine you heard that there was a Santa Claus themed porno ('Northern Penetration' would be a solid name). Are you more weirded out by Santa getting busy with the elves or with the reindeer? Voting for both is cheating so you have to pick one. My vote is for elves. Bestiality isn't pleasant but I couldn't handle that big tummy bouncing around on top of little people with pointy shoes. He'd make them leave the shoes on for sure.

Don't even bring up a Santa Claus & Mrs. Claus situation. Two old people with white hair going at it? No thank you.

Santa Porn would be a buster scene but I'd probably watch it online. Keep coming back.

Alien Visit

What if you were in a field and an alien appeared (I don’t know why you’re in a field, maybe you’re cooking meth). The alien says that he and the rest of his alien friends are approaching earth and are considering making contact with humans. If they do, all of our problems are solved. War, disease, starvation, all of it is ended if the aliens decide to help us. All you have to do, at that moment, is explain why the aliens should help us. What would you say? Why is humanity worth saving?

In all honesty, I’d try to have sex with the alien for a couple reasons. First off, I’d be too nervous to give a good reason to save humanity. I’m thinking right now and the best reason I can come up with is Wendy’s restaurant. Second, I’d be annoyed that my field stuff was being interrupted. I don’t just wander into fields for kicks; I’m busy right now. I can’t think clearly when I’m annoyed.

So that’s my answer, I’d anger fuck the alien and let humanity figure their own shit out. Oh, you think you could have saved the world? Well, I fucked an alien. Top that.

Alien Visit could be buster. Keep coming back.

Rehab Food

How are leftovers handled in a drug rehab clinic? Do you think that the kitchen is locked or is it honor system that everyone just eats their fair share? I don’t trust a house of recovering coke heads to keep their goddamned fingers off of a covered plate with my name on it.

That’s assuming the food would be any good which it may not be. I’m guessing there’s a general “wellness” theme so I’m guessing you’re primarily eating vegetables for snacks. If that’s the case then I can’t ever go to rehab because I'd never make it through a group session. People would open up about their terrible stories of addiction and I’d be trying to call votes on who thought we should go to Applebee’s.

Rehab Food is (most likely) a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition

Did you ever know a kid in elementary school who would flip the fuck out at the smallest provocation and throw a tantrum? It was kind of sad because you knew (even when you were young) that you should probably feel bad for this emotionally underdeveloped kid but at the same time it was also funny because shit like that was funny back then.

The kind of people who complain about the Bert & Ernie marriage petition are the adult version of the temper tantrum kid. Some (seemingly) tiny thing sets them on this unexplainable internet comment section rampage and all you can do is sit back and laugh your ass off. And, just like when you were a kid, you want to give these people the benefit of the doubt but the shit they’ve been saying is so horrible that it’s just easier to avoid them completely.

All that being said, I won’t sign the petition and it has nothing to do with two (puppet) males getting married; it’s because I personally think Ernie could do way better then that wet towel named Bert. Can you imagine those two sharing finances? I guarantee Bert’s not letting you order takeout more than once every two weeks. Pain in the ass.

Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition was unbuster news. Keep coming back.

Ugly Racists

I was thinking about it this morning and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen an attractive racist person. I’m not trying to make some fancy statement like “a person’s personality can be their most attractive feature” because that’s stupid. Kate Upton could walk around screaming terrible things about Asians and guys would still Google her name 10 times a day hoping for nip slips. Leonardo Dicaprio could club baby seals for fun and bang Blake Lively at the same time. Your personality can get a pass in a lot of situations if your face brings the heat.

If you go to YouTube and type “I hate (any race here)” you’re going to see a much higher percentage of misshapen heads and eyes that are too far apart then you’re going to see on the street. I’m guessing that less then 5% of the US population has a forehead that is way too goddamn big (I’m a member of this group; legit five head) but if you based your data ONLY on people doing YouTube rants you’d probably think the number was closer to 30% - 40%. You’d assume that everyone was eating lead paint when they were children.

I’m guessing the reason that most racists are unattractive is because they have a lot of time to worry about that shit. Hot girls don’t have time to think about how minorities are ruining the country; they have to go pick up their hot friends and go get drunk on a yacht all day. Attractive guys don’t want to sit in bunkers and worry about immigrants not learning English; they’re pre-gaming before they head to the bar where they’re going to flirt with girls. All the attractive people think that life is pretty good so why would they dislike any particular race? The only people that have time to work on their crazy are the ones that have an empty dance card. Everyone else is busy.

Ugly Racists are buster. Keep coming back.

Newsweek Crazy Eyes

You’re just going to roll with a crazy eyeball picture on the cover of Newsweek? Buster ass move. What are you doing? Does Michelle Bachmann have a PR person? How the hell does anyone sign off on this picture going coast to coast? Forget about voting for this lady; I don’t even want to make eye contact with here when I’m on the train. "Oh, you're cat's sick? Great. Thanks for telling me." No thank you.

Is this move on purpose? Is she just putting it out there that she’s goddamned crazy and that’s exactly what Washington needs right now? “Lets make Washington creepy! Bachmann 2012!”

If this next election is decided by staring contests then it’s already over. Even Barrackstar couldn’t handle the crazy that these eyes are bringing.

Newsweek Crazy Eyes is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Bears Free Agent Releases

I won't mention every scrub that was let go but these are the household names that have left the team this offseason.

Greg Olsen – It sucks to see a guy as good as Olsen leave for only a 3rd rounder but that’s the best Chicago was going to get. Olsen was in the final year of his rookie contract and there’s no way he would have re-signed here to be the blocking TE that Martz wanted (there’s no guarantee that Chicago would even offer him a new contract). Based on what he’s done up to this point in his career, there would have been plenty of options for Olsen as a free agent next season so the Bears traded him for a 3rd rounder this year as opposed to letting him walk for nothing after his contract expired.

Olin Kreutz – This one is kind of a head scratcher not because Kreutz is irreplaceable (a 34 year old on the worst line in the NFL is far from irreplaceable) but because of the shortened off-season. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to keep Kreutz and put the new guy at guard (a position he’s played) in front of Chris Williams? That would have allowed some continuity/improvement on the line this year while having a clear plan moving forward but I guess that’s not how Jerry Angelo rolls. It’s going to be weird not seeing #57 every week and I think he’s still got a little in the tank but people who act like this ends the season are over-reacting a little bit.

Daniel Manning – Manning was always a guy who never had a spot as he seemingly bounced between SS and FS every other year until settling in at FS alongside Chris Harris last season. I think the writing was on the wall when Major Wright was drafted and I’m sure the Texans (whose secondary was fucking atrocious last year) valued Manning much higher then the Bears did. I’ll miss Manning’s return skills but I think Major Wright is a more natural FS and has higher upside at that position then Manning ever did.

Rashied Davis – A good “team guy” who just couldn’t do enough different things to stay on the field. A short receiver who was quicker then he was fast, he was expendable based on the the presence of Hester and Knox on the roster. He’ll be missed on special teams and could definitely be a 3rd or 4th option in Detroit.

Devin Aromashadu – I don’t know what this guy did (or didn’t do) to get himself glued to the bench but I think it was clear he was never on the same page as Mike Martz. Aromashadu provided Cutler with the big target that nobody else on the team could and when he was on the field good things typically happened.I was kind of hoping that everything would click this offseason so we could see what he could do as a starter but I guess that's not in the cards. I’ll be interested to see what he does in Minnesota where he should get a decent shot at playing time.

Bears Free Agent Releases were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.

Bears Free Agent Re-Signings

A quick re-cap of the Bears (those that actually matter) who got new contracts this summer.

Anthony Adams – This guy is solid against the run and keeps guards/centers from getting onto Urlacher every play. Toeaina, Melton, and (hopefully) Paea are all decent DT’s but Adams is by far the best at being a large person in the middle of the line who gobbles people up. A 2 year deal for a 30 year old consistent DT isn’t a bad move.

Caleb Hanie – I still hold a grudge against Mike Martz for putting this guy behind Todd Collins last season. Hanie has shown both in the pre-season and the NFC title game that he can move the offense when given the chance and that's all you can ask for from a #2. He may never crack the starting lineup but he’s at least a guy you keep around as an insurance policy. I’d really like the Bears to lock him up for 3 years but I get the feeling he doesn’t get any love from our current OC.

Corey Graham – He may not do a ton on defense except for showing up in the occasional nickel/dime package but he made the Pro Bowl for special teams last season. If you’re going to allow teams to drive 40 yards by giving up short stuff underneath all day (which the Bears will continue to do) then your special teams need to pin people in bad spots. This guy is part of that.

Brian Iwuh – See Corey Graham except with a little more game experience. Good guy to keep around but he probably won’t break the starting lineup unless there’s an injury.

Desmond Clark – Doesn’t exactly fit the “blocking TE” mold that Martz covets and may not even be the best receiver on the TE based on what Kellen Davis has done the past few years. Still, he's a good player that provides experience and probably wasn't too expensive to re-sign.

Khalil Bell – Kind of a head scratcher. With Forte, Barber, and Taylor in front of him he may not even suit up on game day. He’s depth, I guess.

Bears Free Agent Re-Signings were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.

Bears Free Agent Signings

Roy Williams – While I HATE the fact the he does the first down signal ever time he converts (I hope someone tells him to cut that shit out but I doubt Lovie has the stones to do it) he’s a big WR that gives the team something they didn’t have last year. I’d prefer Mike Sims-Walker because he’s younger and has more upside but a 1 year deal with $2 million base salary for a player like Williams is a good move. Grade: B+ that could become an A+ if this guy puts up numbers like he did in Detroit when Martz ran that offense.

Sam Hurd – This guy is basically a taller version of Rashied Davis (special team ace with few offensive looks) who was brought in as his replacement after Davis went to the Lions. I don’t think it’s a bad move; it’s just meh unless this guy really contributes to the offense or makes the Pro Bowl on special teams. Grade: C

Marion Barber – The Bears didn’t have a short yardage back last year. Chester Taylor can do a number of things but he probably shouldn’t be going off tackle on 3rd & 2. Barber fits a role and while he may poach a few goal line carries from Forte he probably won’t have more than 6 or 7 carries a game. Once again, a piece the Bears didn’t have last year. Grade: B- because he gets dinged up and is one dimensional.

Vernon Gholston – One of the biggest busts in recent NFL history, this guy was a combine stud who barely registered on the field and has nothing but upside. I can’t imagine the Bears gave this guy a lot of cash so if he absolutely sucks then you can just cut him next season. If he does ANYTHING, however, then you have to give Angelo and Rod Marinelli some props. Grade: Incomplete, ranging from B- if he doesn’t even suit up on game days to A+ if he has 28 sacks this year.

Amobi Okoye - Considering where he was drafted (10th overall), he's considered a bust since he's totalled 11 sacks in 4 seasons. That being said, he's had a better career then Vernon Gholston who's registerd a total of 42 tackles over 3 seasons. This guy is probably cheap and he's only 24 years old (he was 19 when he was drafted) so, once again, there's really nothing but upside. I'd figure that this guy breaks into the rotation before Gholston and hopefully continues to improve under Marinelli. Grade: Incomplete for the same reasons as Gholston.

Matt Spaeth – This guy is basically a replacement for Brandon Manumaleuna, who looked like a turnstile more than once last season. It’s hard to get pumped about a blocking TE but if that’s what the team needs to go four wide then I’m on board with it. Grade: B-

Chris Spencer - Olin Kreutz was 34 years old and didn't have a lot more tread on the tires. This guy is 5 years younger and has been a 16 game starter (when healthy) since his rookie season so it's clear he can play. Some people are bitching because he's more of a "technical guy" instead of a "hard nosed" player like Kreutz. A lot of people who use terms like that have never played football at any level; I personally don't care how hard your nose is if you can play ball and it's very clear that NOBODY who started on the offensive line last year is irreplaceable. I wonder why Chicago couldn't sign both players this year (with the of intent starting Spencer at guard and sliding him over after Kreutz retired) but this isn't a bad pick up. Grade: B because he's not an elite center but he should be a decent starter for 3-4 years.

Adam Podlesh – He’s a punter. Maynard’s numbers were brutal last year and it seems there was a little heat between him and Dave Toub when he left. Hopefully this new guy can put a little more leg on the ball. Grade: B-

Bears Free Agent Signings were unbuster Bear news. Keep coming back.

J&S Nuptials (part 3)

Continue from part 2

-This is an awesome venue. Open bar in a silo? Yup, open bar in a silo. Deal with it.
-Appetizers before dinner. I certainly didn’t need 10 wings but damn these things were hot fire. If I wasn’t so concerned about pooping at a wedding I’d have put down 40.
-Great set of speeches by everyone. Humor + memories of youth + fellas tearing up = wonderful wedding moments. Well done.
-Dinner time. HOLY SHIT! There’s jalapeño in the mac & cheese. Did you know that? I’ve never seen that before! Do I have any brisket on my face? Yea? Fuck it; have you tried the cornbread?
-I’m so full. Just two more scoops of mac & cheese. And some chicken. And cornbread.
-First dance as a married couple. This is always kinda sweet. Wait, what’s that? Persian music? Something’s happening. Uh oh, that’s fancy Persian lingerie. Persian house music dance party? PERSIAN HOUSE MUSIC DANCE PARTY!
-Father of the bride is just shredding the dance floor right now and gives grandma the Persian lingerie. Grandma decides to just chill with it; grandma’s not getting up.
-I’ve basically walked through a wrinkle in the time-space continuum and landed in Iran because there are just cousins and aunts and uncles rolling shoulders in ways I’ve never seen. I don’t even know if my bone structure will allow me to replicate some of the dance moves I’m seeing.
-Drinks and drinks and dancing and drinks. Katy Perry to Persian house music to Journey. Bud Lights flowing. Lovin it.
-Take a picture with a word bubble written in Farsi? Sure, what’s it say? Doesn’t matter, I don’t know what the hell an “energy kiss” is either and I took a photo with that one.
-Don’t trouble yourself, boss, I’ll just fill up my own cup off the keg.
-Oh, Cee Lo’s playing. I like this song. Hahaha, no they don’t want me to do the butt dance at their wedding.
-Bride and Groom WANT me to do the dance? Whatever, your wedding FIVESIXSEVENEIGHTBUTTBUTTBUTTTIMECAPSULETIMECAPSULE!
-People missed the first butt dance? Alright, I’ll do it a second time but my hearts not in it 100%. I feel dirty.
-Party’s over; clean up time. I probably shouldn’t be climbing along the wall in my condition but these streamers are coming down NOW.
-Gotta unload the car at the hotel. Wow, that’s a lot of leftover desserts.
-Karma Lounge! Buster ass bartender working again. Maybe she’s in a better mood tonight?
-Nope. She still stinks. Crack a smile, lady.
-Things get fuzzy after this but afterhours, vomit, and pizza all made an appearance.
-3:30 AM bedtime. Great wedding. Tomorrow is going to suck ass.

J&S Nuptials (part 3) was unbuster. Keep coming back.

J&S Nuptials (part 2)

Continued from part 1.

-Good morning, girlfriend. You’re going to get out of bed and start helping set up? I’m thinking more along the lines of me laying here like a turd until 11 or so.
-Hello, internet, what’s new today. Olin Kreutz is leaving Chicago? But we don’t have another center on the roster; what gives? Is Jerry Angelo about to fuck up a perfectly good wedding with his buster ass roster moves? I think he is.
-Lunch with L and some more of Muscatine’s finest. Probably nothing on the menu but Heinz Ketchup. Get it? LOL.
-I’m not big on bashing the suburbs because that’s where I grew up but goddamn this search for a restaurant. Take one wrong turn and you’re just driving for 10 miles past nothing but hotels and business parks. Where do you people eat food!
-Walker Pancake House. Sure, they’ll serve you a bloody mary.
-Haha, no, they certainly will not. It’s apparently IHOP with less American flag t-shirts among the clientele. My apologies.
-Everyone else had a hard time finishing their meal? Uh, me to. Nevermind that I’ve got syrup in my beard from licking my plate.
-Back to the hotel for a little rest and getting ready. Girlfriend visits and tells me that she’s heard I was the drunkest person at the bar last night. Snitching is buster as it gets.
-This outfit is a certified dick wrecker. I even trimmed the neck beard; going all out tonight.
-Shuttle to the barn driven by an old dude who’s gonna HATE everyone when we ride back later on tonight.
-Outside wedding. Bride's side is in the sun. Tough break.
-Groom looks a little bit Amish and is absolutely dick wrecking with the suspenders.
-Girlfriend looks great.
-Bride looks stunning.
-I realize that “stunning” > “great” but it’s alright for Girlfriend to be #2 hottie at someone’s wedding, right? I’ll find out when she eventually reads this, I bet.
-Father of the bride is walking out with rolled up suit sleeves. J can’t believe how boss that move is. I can’t believe how well J put it; “boss move” is the only way to describe what I’m seeing walking down the aisle.
-Great readings by the siblings. Ever gone to a wedding and then thought about how little the human species matters given the size of the universe? I have.
-Great promises between the bride and groom. Quirky and clearly tailored to each other but now I’m left wondering what a “Science Friday” consists of. Reading about photosynthesis while doing shots? Is it just a screening of ‘Tron?’ Explain this to me.
-I’ve also learned that people are still having slumber parties. Are people building pillow forts and not telling me? Buster ass move.
-End of the ceremony, ripped through that thing.

J&S Nuptials (part 2) was unbuster. Keep coming back.

J&S Nuptials (part 1)

About as unbuster an event as you're going to find. It didn't even feel like a wedding at times; more like a multicultural rave with open bar and bbq buffet. Butt dances and jalapeno mac & cheese all over the place.

-Take Friday off so we can get out in time for the rehearsal dinner. I typically use my PTO time in order to watch Law & Order reruns/stare at the fish tank so it’s nice that I can use it for a useful cause.
-Can't go anywhere in the city without getting harassed by a weirdo on the train. What are you shaking at me, sir? A box of cereal? Terrific. Can I please go on with my day without worrying about you stabbing me? Wonderful.
-Woah, this is a Jeep and I booked an economy car. Same rate? Free upgrade? I wish I had a camera so I could scrapbook this moment.
-Listen, Mapquest, what you do makes sense. You give the absolute SHORTEST route out to the burbs. But do you really think I want to drive 10 miles through the city instead of heading straight to 94? Rolling past the Dress Barn at 15 mph? Buster situation. I smell nothing but Chinese food; what part of the city am I in right now?
-Double Tree Hotel just bringing high heat with these cookies. How do they keep them warm at the desk?
-Unpack and visit the groom. That's a lot of flowers, boss.
-Rehearsal dinner. I’m about to +1 this place up the butt.
-Pizza and beers and beers and lasagna and pizza and beers and beers. I can't drive.
-Ground floor party! Getting drunk with toddlers walking around is a change of pace.
-Nice to meet you! What's your name? I already forgot; let’s go to the bar!
-Karma Lounge is closed and this bartender seems buster as hell. Take it easy, sister.
-There's an Irish pub about a mile away? I've already started walking; see you there in an hour.
-Never mind, we'll just pack 12 people into this van cab. What does it cost? Whatever we want? That’s not correct; is that how business works in the suburbs?
-LOCALS! These guys are eye banging me so hard that I think they owe me a dinner or something.
-L just grabs a tambourine and gets after it with the house band. Only girls can pull that move; a fella would catch a boot to the teeth.
-Inhaling cigars. Buster situation for the lungs.
-Who bought me a car bomb? Is it on the house? I’ll pretend it’s on the house. Watch me sip the Bailey's and drink the Guiness like a normal beer. Don't judge.
-Last call. I hope I don’t pee the bed.

J&S Nuptials (part 1) was unbuster. Keep coming back.

Lockout Ends

The NFL lockout has finally finished and it's pretty good news for the country. You want to have no NFL when the unemployment rate is over 8%? Buster idea. It's somehow possible for people to have a pretty dogshit existence and STILL get pumped up when a bunch of giants move a ball across a field. In the long run, this country MAY be on the edge of a financial shitstorm but at least we can watch James Harrison try to kill people every game next year just to spite Roger Goodell. We've got that, at least.

SIGN HIM

Oh goodness. Mike Sims-Walker says that Chicago would be one of the "ideal spots for me." It would be ideal if you can get here as soon as possible and practice catching TD's from #6. Fade to the corner so you can go high on some CB? No problem. Is Aromashadu on the way out? I'm pretty sure he had sex with Mike Martzs' daughter or something. Guy is just buried on the depth chart.

I hear Jay Cutler is on the market for a wing man. I wonder if there's an application or something that I could look at. We could get drunk at Otherside and yell at each other. Red Eye front page for sure.

Lockout Ends is unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.

Red Eye Bitchout

I’m at 7-11 this morning getting a 52 ounce coffee like I do every day. A lady in front of me leaves the cash register and heads towards the newspapers. Here’s what follows:

Cashier: “I didn’t charge you for a newspaper. Do you want one?”
Busy Lady: “I SAID Red Eye.”
Cashier: “I’m not sure if we have that.”
Busy Lady: “Could have told me that earlier instead of wasting my damn time.” Stomp towards the revolving door and exit. Scene.

Buster ass move. You really can’t bitch someone out for wasting your time when your preferred method of getting news is a free paper that takes 5 minutes to read cover to cover; you’re wasting your own time by even picking that thing up. The only reason to touch the Red Eye is if you’ve got absolutely nothing else to read on the bus because taking mass transit without reading material opens the door to making eye contact with strangers. Making eye contact with strangers can lead to some of the most buster situations imaginable. Ever lock eyes with the guy who’s riding the CTA drunk at 10 AM? Dude just attaches to you like one of those fish that live on sharks and spits incoherent rambling in your direction while the rest of the train pretends to not hear what’s going on. Lucky bastards.

Red Eye Bitchout was buster. Keep coming back.

Street Mad Dog

I’m on the bus and things are pretty much normal. It’s way too hot. People are pissing me off. I keep on thinking that I’m going to throw up. It’s a regular Monday so far.

Until we get near the Michigan Avenue stop and some homeless dude comes out of nowhere and starts staring at one of the passengers. Shit just got real. This guy is just trying to get to his 9-5 and you’re gonna roll up in jean shorts and mad dog him? Buster ass move, sir. This wasn’t a normal stare, either. This was an “I ate a pigeon last night and you’re about to get stabbed by a knife I made out of a pizza box” kind of stare. Worst kind there is.

I really felt for this guy who was getting stared down. It doesn’t matter that we’re in a “civilized society” where fighting isn’t permitted for the most part; you don’t stare a dude down. I don’t care if a guy becomes a wet nurse and has elective surgery that allows him to breast feed; if you stare at him long enough with crazy eyes he’s gonna try to curb stomp you. All of that aside, this guy on the bus was in his 9-5 clothes (not scrapping clothes by a mile) and this crazy guy has nothing to lose. You think a mad dogging homeless dude cares about getting into a street scuffle? Motherfucker swaps strains of hepatitis with his buddies like they’re trading cards. Trading communicable diseases for fun is buster as hell.

Eventually the bus started moving again and no scuffle ensued, I went back to reading my book, and I’m assuming the guy on the street continued searching for someone whose nose he could eat for breakfast.

Street Mad Dog was buster. Keep coming back.

Local Gay Sex Area

HAHAHAHA

Where to begin:

-Of all the places you can get it off, a bird sanctuary can’t be high on the list. All those ruffling feathers and cooing and all of that? Distracting. No thank you.
-Great article title. This was a circle jerk, NOT gay sex. Someone needs to get the editor’s pen out and dress this up a little bit.
-The comments are just great. You got the person (who, ironically, uses a Lady Gaga song title as their user name) who rips on ALL gays. You’ve got other gays telling the circle jerk gays to get out of the closet and head towards Halsted.
-There was an expose (right HERE if you want to see it) about sex in Montrose Harbor? Guys are just cruising around the paths at night and banging it out? I don’t even care about the gay sex; get it how you get it. I just wonder if my realtor knew when I bought my condo. I demand FULL disclosure on local gay sex grottos.

I’m not even sure if the guys in the story are gay. Is this what closeted homosexual men do? Coordinate masturbating together in the park? This just seems more hipster then gay. Goddamn kids reducing their carbon footprint by masturbating outdoors at the same time. Sons of bitches.

Finally, I consider myself cooler since Montrose Harbor is about 5 minutes from my place. I mean, secret gay sex in the park is so urban I can’t stand it.

Local Gay Sex Area is unbuster news. Keep coming back.

Bachelor Party Pukes

I’m excited for Jake’s bachelor party. Drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks as well as barbeque and paintball and a party bus. I ride buses every single day to work and they are rarely a party in any way. Unless you consider getting furious at people before 8 A.M. a party, the CTA doesn’t serve that function.

We play paintball for about 3 hours on Saturday and its pretty fun. The course was out in East Dundee at a place called ‘Santa’s Village’ that I used to visit when I was a kid. Apparently, Santa took on a little too much debt because about half of his land has been converted into a paintball course and it’s pretty comical. Where’s that sniper coming from? It’s coming from the elf cottage and I just took a shot to the neck. Painful buster ass move, I should have used the giant cupcake as cover.

I get home and rest a few hours. I feel pretty shitty but that’s no big deal; a few beers will straighten me out, right? It’s also a good idea to eat a giant slice of Bacci’s pizza that’s probably been sitting out for 4 hours. That’ll set me straight.

Party bus is here. I’m psyched; I just need two or three more beers to be in a pretty good spot. Boche’s got the mix tape; he’s good at that kind of thing. Man, this beer is going down but it’s not going down that well; my stomach is not in a good way. I’m fine, my stomach just hurts. I’m not going to puke. Are we almost there? Where are we, Lakeshore? This bus has shitty suspension. I’m not going to puke. No, I don’t want another beer right now. I’m just taking a break. I’m not going to puke. Where are the trash cans? No reason, just want to know. I’m not going to puke. Hey Boche, can I sit in the backseat with the trash can? Yea, I’m just being cautious. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHHHHHH! Alright, goodbye pizza dinner. YEA! Feeling good! All I had to do was get that puke out and now I’m set for the night. Let’s have a beer at Kerryman. I finished the beer but I’m feeling a little weird. I’m not going to puke. I’m just going downstairs to pee. I don’t have to puke again do I? I haven’t drank that much. No, I’m not going to pu….BLAHHHHHHH! Alright, I need to buy some Tums. That’ll set me straight, right? Head to the Walgreens across the street and get some Tums. ALRIGHT! Back to partying! How many blocks have we gone? 3? Fuck this bus suspension in the ass with a banana. I’m serious. Where are you going? I’m going to walk to the next bar, get some fresh air. That’ll set me straight. I’m not going to puke. I think I should stand by this trash can for second. No reason, just for kicks. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHH. Fuck this. I’m going home. Buster ass move, stomach.

Bachelor Party Pukes were buster. Keep coming back.

Cold Tablet Follow Up

I don't know how you're supposed to take medicine, but I'm pretty sure that if you're taking it with Diet Coke or coffee then you aren't doing it right. I know I'm supposed to take it with water and I really don't want to be sick anymore but water is pissing me off. As far as beverages go, water has put out the least effort to win me over recently. Just laying there like a dead fish while Mr. Pibb goes balls out to get into my rotation.

Cold Tablet Follow Up was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Longform.org

Longform.org

A collection of longform journalism (which seems to be a fancier way of saying "magazine articles") from all over the place. If you've ever got 6 - 8 minutes of reading to do (I won't be crass but you know what activity I'm talking about) then you'll appreciate the site pretty quickly.

Longform.org is unbuster. Keep coming back.

P.S. I'm talking about shitting. Print articles off if you're on the way to take a shit.

Volleybrawlers vs. Winning

Volleybrawlers dropped the second game of the season with a 2-0 loss (and a loss on the consolation game).

First things first, I missed last weeks game but the record was 1-2 against Sandy Balls. Apparently 5 people showed up for our side but whatever, Vegas.

I won the PRS game by just buckling knees when I threw rock. Chose side instead of ball because the sun was just blazing hot.

Squad size of 9 (3 boys and 6 girls). One of the more solid attendance showings so far this year.

Lots of good bumping out of Kramer, Larissa, and Keith. Keith was just taking dives into the sand hoping to grab digs where he could.

New guy, Luke, had a solid game just being big at the front and keeping balls alive.

If whatever higher power is up there (God/Ganesh/Antmonsterwithpenisarms) created a volleyball player I would have been what he (She? Hahaha, no) created. Had a few fireball serves that snapped a few limbs. Just adjusting in the air on balls and scoring points. Keeping plays alive with nothing else but stabbing at line drives. Call me Picasso because yesterday's game was a work of art. Except when I was on the back line. I suck on the back line.

Squadron grade: B-. We weren't bad but the other team wasn't good either. We should have taken at least 1. They had 1 guy who served daggers and made me look foolish a few times but damn, we should have taken 1.

Season record: 1-3.

Volleybrawlers are unbuster. Keep coming back.

Tax Calculator

Check THIS out.

You can go to White House website and check out just how serious Republicans are about this country's long term fiscal situation. The Republicans are going to cut all agricultural subsidies AND halve the food/nutrition assistance budget? Thank goodness for you guys, top shelf, because that's a whole MONTH of cable/phone payments that I just got returned to me and all it took was a few kids losing their subsidised school lunches. Fair trade off. Call me when you fuck sticks are going to go after Medicare/Social Security.

Tax Calculator is an unbuster scene. Keep coming back.

Portugal Day 2 (part 2) - Day 7

I'm kind of over this whole "writing about Portugal" thing because I'm forgetting a lot of what happened and I want to move on. Highlights:

-Superbock. 6 euro at the hotel? Fuuuuck.
-Lisbon subway system: kind of sketchy, blind singing beggars, and slow assholes. That’s apparently universal regardless of language: slow dick bags should be banned from public transit.
-When I smoke at 9:30 in Chicago it’s gross as hell. When the French people smoke after breakfast it’s cultural. Shit is sexy over there.
-Lots of fish/duck.
-Met a girl from Kazakhstan. Someone made a Borat joke. She didn’t like it.
-Portuguese waiters suck. 2 separate situations where people ordered something they didn’t like and the waiters’ response was “that’s how it’s done in Portugal.” Thanks, motherfucker, do I look local? Obrigado to you to, dick.
-Kazakhstan girl says they eat horses and everyone freaks out. It’s a landlocked country; you eat what’s walking around. I’d eat the shit out of a horse, no problem.
-Barrio Alto = place for German/Italian teenagers to get shitfaced and puke all over. Just a big alley with bars on either side and kids getting drunk off their asses.
-Stop offering me cocaine. Don’t just pull it out of your pocket and show me, bro. What is this country?
-No heroin either! Just let me take a picture!
-Castles.
-Haha, the eastern European crew stayed out too late and missed the last day of the conference.
-Portuguese insurance commissioner gives a long ass speech and the gist of it is basically: “give us more money to fix our economy.” I’m pretty sure the German crew is ready to carpet bomb the entire Iberian Peninsula and be done with this shit.
-Watch the Champions League final and order a sandwich with fries. 10 fries, to be exact. For all the jokes I make about portion control, it blows.
-We go to the dock area for the last night just in time to see the SS Edinburgh pull into port with shitfaced Englishmen
-Airplane home. Watched "True Grit" (awesome), "Driving Miss Daisy" (Oscar winning?), and something else. Business class is just the plushest thing out there.

Portugal day 2 (part 2) - 7 wasn't buster. Keep coming back.

Volleybrawlers vs. My Bumbs

Volleybrawlers dropped the second game of the season with a 2-0 loss (and a close loss on the consolation game)

We won the game of "Paper-Rock-Scissors" when the other team threw a mixture of paper/rock and gave us the choice of ball or side.

Squad size of 6 (2 boys and 4 girls) which grew to 7 when Ben showed up during the second game.

Krista and Larissa both get hat tips due to solid bumping and serving ability. This other team was tossing fireballs and they managed to deal with a lot of them.

Ben is better at the net then I am because he actually spikes the ball instead of just flailing at it like I do. We need more tall people to come to games.

I didn't suck as bad as last week but I'm still not proud of myself. I was stronger at the net and back line but managed to look like jerk when a ball I tried to bump basically hit me in the face. Embarrasing. Also unhelpful was the fact that I had no legs for the first 10 minutes because my jog to the beach was hard as hell. It was heavy hot yesterday; it felt like I was carrying a dwarf on my back when I was running.

Squadron grade: B-. We weren't all that strong but the other team was one of the more solid sides I've seen at the recreational level. They had guys laying daggers at the net, girls serving fireballs, all that shit. Too much.

Season record: 1-1.

Volleybrawlers are unbuster. Keep coming back.

Portugal Day 2 (part 1)

Continued...

-What time is it? 11? Longest I've slept in for a while.
-I'm going for a walk to see some different parts of the city. I can't decide if I'm really excited to experience a historic city like Lisbon or if I just want to prove to myself that I'm not afraid of getting gang raped by a bunch of Portuguese fellas.
-People are looking at me. Am I not supposed to be in this neighborhood?
-Lots of graffiti/murals in this town. I've seen THIS in person. CULTURE!
-Thank God, I see Asians. I'm embarrassed at how happy I am to see the Asians.
-Fuck this hill.
-Hey, a mural of Al Capone! Is that the coolest thing that America has done? Made a bunch mafia dudes rich by passing prohibition laws back in the day? Does anyone want to talk 'Boardwalk Empire'? Steve Buscemi is awesome.
-Some other folks are kicking it by the pool. I'll meet them.
-AH, I forgot to pack swim trunks. I'll just hang out in my shorts. Sunscreen? Hahaha,no.
-A girl ordered Thai salad and got lettuce, rice, and raisins. She was not pleased and said as much to the waitress. The response? "That's a Thai salad in Portugal! That's how we do it!" Do we look local? Damn.
-No, I don't want to order lunch by the pool because I'm pretending that I'm cool and I'll just get lunch from somewhere when I'm walking around.
-My buddy asks if I can find razor blades for him. Sure, any moron can find razor blades, right?

Portugal Day 2 (part 1) was unbuster. Keep coming back.

Portugal Day 1 (part 2)

Continuation of Day 1:

-I feel gross as hell.
-Go to pick up the luggage and I'm relieved as hell that it's there. As far as bad situations go having to buy new underwear in a foreign country is pretty high on the list for me.
-Welcome to the Sheraton Lisboa! We use your currency as toilet paper so your bill is going to be fucking bananas.
-Lets go for a walk. I'll be fine if I wear my slip-ons, right?
-Lots of stone streets and old buildings. EUROPE!
-These roundabouts are insane. Just giant statues of kings/generals/whatever and high speed thunderdome carnage going on around the base of them. Grandmothers merging at 55 and think nothing of it. Carnage.
-I can't explain why I'm suddenly afraid of jaywalking. In Chicago I sprint in front of taxis 4 or 5 times a day but over here I stand and wait for the green guy to say it's okay. Did I forget how streets work?
-Man, there are a lot of cool things out here. I should have brought my camera but I'll make sure to walk back here and take a few shots. I know that's a lie as soon as I say it.
-Lets grab some lunch. 2 Americans and 2 British people look at a menu that's primarily in Portuguese. The joke writes itself.
-There's one Irish bar in all of Lisbon. Found it.
-Guinness and sandwiches. Pretty solid. The sandwich comes with horseradish? Haha, could have mentioned that. I'm all good with it but my buddy is kinda pissed.
-Been walking for about 5 hours. The slip-ons were not a great idea, after all.
-Back to the hotel. Kick it for a few hours and go out to dinner.
-My buddy and I head out to dinner right around the corner. The receptionist said it was good but who knows. I could probably be convinced to eat out of a garbage dumpster and I wouldn't say anything because I don't want to look like a dick.
-Do we seat ourselves? None of the wait staff is even looking at us. This guy will help us but he looks pissed about it. Are we being a pain in the ass?
-What's this? Cheese? Why is there plastic on it? What are these craw fish doing here? Did the waiter leave them here by mistake? Someone explain the craw fish to me.
-They serve beers. Superbock is the local taste and it's pretty solid.
-They took the craw fish away and it's probably the happiest I've been since we sat down.
-Portuguese style pork gets an A for sure. Red wine reduction and some potatoes in this bitch.
-All done. Solid service. Do I tip? I've heard you don't tip in Europe but that was from friends in Ireland. Is it different here? Just don't tip and walk out the front door as fast as you can without making eye contact. I'm a rock in high pressure situations.
-Bedtime.

Portugal Day 1 (part 2) was nervewracking but not all that buster. Keep coming back.

Volleybrawlers vs. Electric Mayhem

Volleybrawlers open the season with a 2-0 win (not including the consolation game win).

We won the game of "Paper-Rock-Scissors" when I opened with scissors (WHAT!). Don't ever try to peg me in PRS because I'll freeze you up with a breaking ball and make you look foolish as hell. We got to open with the sun at our backs which was clutch, that sun was brutal.

Squad size of 7 (2 boys and 5 girls). 3 brand new faces on the team. I'll have their names down sometime in August, I bet.

Larissa played lights out as usual and I think she gave herself a concussion going after a dig. Best bumper/digger on the team by a mile.

Boche is tall and had some good spikes/sets. Never a bad idea to add height to the squadron.

I fucking sucked. I scored a few points at the net and had a couple decent serves but I rely way too much on other people covering space when I'm on the back line. I only like playing at the net; the back line sucks and it shows because I'm usually looking at the lake when I'm back there.

Squadron grade: B+. Never bad to shake off offseason rust with a win but our opponents won't be going pro anytime soon. They had a dude with glasses that was serving fireballs over the net. They could have used him earlier in the game.

Season record: 1-0.

Volleybrawlers are unbuster. Keep coming back.

Portugal Day 1 (part 1).

So I recently went on a trip to Portugal for work and took some notes for blogging purposes. Here's day 1:

-Probably as nervous as I've been in a while. What if the cab driver makes fun of me because I only speak one language? What if I break one of the local customs and get yelled at in Portugese? This is the shit that keeps me up at night.
-Family of 9 flying internationally that want two rows of 4 right across from each other. The airline may not be able to do that because, you know, they're trying to fit 300 people on a flying tube to travel over the Atlantic. NOT GOOD ENOUGH! THEY WANT 2 ROWS OF 4 AND THEY TALKED TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE ABOUT IT! People are the worst.
-I got to fly business class which meant I had access to the Admirals Club. Maybe it was the fact that I had a t-shirt with bacon grease stains on it (I made BLT's for lunch that day) while everyone else was in business casual but I decided to leave pretty quickly. $9 for sushi tray? Buster ass move. I'll get myself a snack wrap from McDonalds.
-Business Class is the most baller thing I've ever seen. I'm just watching re-runs of The Office and slamming Diet Coke at 20,000 feet. Fully reclinable chairs when it's bedtime.
-Welcome to London! My breath must smell like dog shit.
-Diet Coke = Coca Cola Light in Europe. I'M LEARNING!
-London co-workers. I'm embarrased by how relieved I am to not have to find my own cab.
-London to Lisbon = pass out time.
-Welcome to Lisbon! We speak 7 languages, you ignorant dick.

Porgual Day 1 (part 1) was kind of buster. Lots of travel. Keep coming back.

Continued Blogging Schedule

So I stopped the blogging for a while. Part of it was not having anything to write about but the main reason was that the format was all screwed up when I blogged at work. I'm a creature of habit and little issues like that will totally throw me off of my game.

Continued Blogging Schedule is (hopefully) not buster. Keep coming back.

Steel Reserve Change

I want to help homeless folks. I give out change if I have some handy and I'm pretty sure that the majority of people hawking Streetwise on the corner would rather have a normal 9 to 5 with health benefits. They just need help.

Except for the dude at 7-11 buying Steel Reserve with a pocketful of change at 7:30 in the morning. Bro, are you serious? Number one, that's a pain in the ass for the cashier who already kind of sucks and acts like saying "good morning" is worse then pulling teeth. But you're just gonna be a shitty example as well. I guarantee that you're the kind of homeless dude hardcore republicans think of when they're slashing welfare so they can etch the Bill Of Rights onto the moon or some other bullshit. You're letting everyone down.

Steel Reserve Pennies was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Potbelly's Eyebang

I'm at Potbelly's getting a sandwich for lunch. Potbelly's is not buster and is probably the top contender for chain sandwich stores even though Subway is always solid and Quizno's is basically a 4 star restaurant. Jimmy Johns is meh; I only liked those things in college when I was hammed and it didn't get another visit once the taco stand opened. The ISU taco stand was in no way buster. If you've got Blimpies ranked #1 then you're favorite food is probably hooker fingers or something. You're a weirdo.

I wait in line to order and, of course, I'm behind 4 people who've never seen a Potbellys before and need to have everything explained to them. Seriously, bro? The difference between "regular" and "big" is going to throw you? Are you a martian? Move your ass.

I see the guy making sandos and he looks like my little cousin but I'm not sure. Could he work here? Sure, I guess. I'm not sure if it's him. Do I say hi? That's awkward if it's not him. Do I not look at him? That's awkward if it is him. I didn't sign up for all this; I just wanted a sandwich. I decide that my best bet is to get a good look at the guy and decide then.

He looks right at me. That's not my cousin. He continues to look. I can't break the stare. I'm just eyebanging this kid to death right now and I don't know what to do. I smile. Jesus Christ, why do I smile? Is there a more awkward thing to do when you get caught eyebanging then smile? Just a Jefferey Dahmer look right there and that's a buster ass look.

Potbelly's Eyebang was buster. Keep coming back.

My Bracket

Pittsburgh – Wow, you are a farty fart patch in a fart stand. Your school is nothing more than a halfway house for convicts who want to play sports, apparently, and Dave Wannstedt has a mustache that’s so out of style it's almost hipster. You guys stink.

Louisville – I had you going to the final 4 and instead you fall to Morehead State. All your state is good at is horses and booze. You guys are jerks.

Kentucky – I don’t want to be mean to the state twice but you lost an important game to WVU, a school whose most popular major is “Get any degree and avoid dying in a coal mine 101.” Your coach reminds me of the guy who tries to bang the drunkest girl at the party and the next day tells everyone how skanky she was. I hate your faces.

Syracuse – Your mascot is stupid and you lost to a state that is only useful for beer brats. Wisconsin stinks and Miller Lite sucks anyways and that spelling annoys me. Go suck an egg.

My Bracket is buster. Keep coming back.

EDIT:
Man, I can't even read the bracket correctly. Kentucky beat WVU, not the other way around. Everything else I said still holds. I'm accountable.

Collar Bone

So I'm walking around the gym minding my own business and working on fitness. Some guy stops me and tells me I'm sticking my collar bone out too far. He starts to show me that in order to have proper posture you need to slouch a little to keep the collar bone pointed down. I'm totally weirded out and decide that visiting the gym so early is exposing me to weirdos.

Then I wake up. Buster move by my brain because I really don't need my subconcious getting on my ass about posture. Is that even true about the collar bone? I don't think it's supposed to stick out. Either way I spent about 10 minutes yesterday looking at my c-bone worrying about it sticking out too much.

Collar Bone dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Finding Atlantis

Popular Science - All the news about devastating tsunamis is drawing greater attention to a new claim that researchers have found the lost city of Atlantis — buried in mud on the southern tip of Spain. Scientists say they have found proof of a 4,000-year-old civilization that was buried by a tsunami.

Someone explain to me what Atlantis was supposed to be. I was under the impression that it was a city on the ocean floor where Poseidon slayed mermaid ass all day and created sea monsters. Now it turns out that it was a city built below sea level? That’s way less impressive. I go from sex with fish women to poor city planning? Buster ass move.

Finding Atlantis is buster ass news. Keep coming back.

St. Pats Top Shelf

Here's some top shelf parts about St. Pats:

1) Day drinking - It's awesome as anything that's ever been awesome. I love it.
2) I'll be drunk - I'm delightful.
3) Piss off, snow - St. Pats, for me, is the first day of spring because everyone gets together for a day long bar crawl to celebrate surviving 3 months of the sun going down at 3:15 in the afternoon. Nothing symbolizes the changing of the seasons like blooming flowers, birds chirping, and me forcing beer into my face at 10:45 in the morning.
4) FIGHTS – FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT.
5) M&M’s shirt – I have a M&M’s t-shirt that is the greatest thing ever invented. The M&M’s are painting themselves green and it’s awesome. Girlfriend hates it more then anything on earth but I don’t care because I’m out to celebrate that Irish guy who killed all the snakes. I’m pretty sure that’s right.

St. Pats top shelf is unbuster. Keep coming back.

St. Pats Shizzys

Don’t get me wrong, I love St. Patricks day but there are a few buster elements:

1) Pooping in bars. Taking a #2 in the bar is always a possibility on St. Pats and that’s just the worst. Absolutely no privacy and people are liable to yell at you because dressing in shamrocks and getting canned at 10 AM brings out the worst in people.
2) Irish politics talks. It’s guaranteed, that around 4 PM I’ll see a red haired kid, assume he’s an Irish national, and ask him about the recent parliamentary election. I’m already annoyed at myself.
3) Destination weekenders. It’s never good when the city population grows by 50,000 people who only want to get canned. "Welcome to Chicago, please piss everywhere and try to vomit if possible." I don't pay 30.3% sales tax for these dicks to piss all over. I PAY THE WORKERS THAT CLEAN THAT PISS!

St. Pats Shizzys are buster. Keep coming back.

Private Staring

A lot of people think it’s gross to scratch yourself in public.

I think it’s gross that you’re staring at my privates. Get a different hobby, weirdo.

Private Staring is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Shitty Shopping Carts

Fox News - The next time you head to the grocery store, you might want to arm yourself with some antibacterial wipes, and maybe some disposable gloves before you grab a shopping cart.

That’s because those carts are actually dirtier than a public bathroom, according to researchers at the University of Arizona, who swabbed the handles of 85 carts in four states looking for bacterial contamination, USA Today reported.

What field of study do tests like these fall under? Biology? How pumped can you be about this experiment? Go to school to do top level research on biological diseases and end up writing reports about people scratching their privates in the cereal aisle. I could have told you from the start and saved you a bunch of tuition money, bro. People are the grossest thing out there.

Shitty Shopping Carts are buster news. Keep coming back.

JC Yelling

Just rolled past a dude yelling at the church van by the L track. He was pointing at the side of the van and yelling “In the name of Jesus Christ....” and other assorted ramblings along with that. For me, there are only two ways to feel when I hear JC’s name come into play:

“In the name of Jesus Christ” in church = This is nice. I feel excited for me friends who are getting married. I’m assuming that everyone is like me and only attends church for marriages.

“In the name of Jesus Christ” anywhere else = RUN. I'm about to get stabbed in the throat by a homeless man.

JC Yelling is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Owl Kicking

Washington Post - Soccer fans are crying fowl over kicking an owl. In fact, they're crying a lot worse.

An apologetic player is facing sanctions after he kicked an injured owl that landed on the field during a game in Colombia on Sunday. The owl was a mascot for the opposing team and was being treated Monday at a veterinary clinic in Barranquilla. The bird is expected to recover from a slight fracture of its right leg.

Spoiler alert, the bird is dead. Buster ass move by the Washington Post getting my hopes up.

Either this dude is a dick or Central Americans know very little about caring for birds. Is the bird hurt? Hmm. Kick the goddamned thing to see if it can fly. C'mon, that's buster ass reasoning no matter what continent you're on.

Owl Kicking is buster ass news. Keep coming back.

Roster Moves

ESPN Chicago - Chicago Bears general manager Jerry Angelo held true to his statement Friday about the club's plan to make several roster moves this week.

The Bears announced the release of defensive tackle Tommie Harris on Monday, and terminated the contracts of linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer and offensive lineman Kevin Shaffer.

Not terribly surprising since Tommie was invisible up until week 12 or so and had a monster contract. Still, you gotta worry that his knee comes back 100% and he starts slicing through gaps like he did in 2006. Just mashing faces every single play back then.

Hunter Hillenmeyer was a nice piece but wasn't ever going to break into the starting lineup. This probably means that we'll see a LB taken in the 4th round and promptly discover that he doesn't know how to jog or something. Angelo has been brutal on draft day the past few years.

Kevin Shaffer. Meh. Outside of Kreutz, Garza, and maybe Webb there isn't anyone on the line who's guaranteed to be on the team next year. Someone step up and protect the franchise because you know Martz has 11 step drops somewhere in the playbook and they're getting called no matter what.

Roster Moves are unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.

Dead Plants

If there's anything more depressing then a bunch of dead ass plants around the condo then I don't know what it is. It's supposed to be easy:

1) Buy plant
2) Water plant
3) Be sophisticated because you have plants

You know what's not sophisticated? Plant corpses just laying all over the place and looking like turds. Plants are supposed to represent life and fertility an all they look like to me are fire hazards. Buster ass move, plants.

Dead Plants are a buster scene. Keep coming back.

CTA Babies

I leave work yesterday to head towards the train. Chicago decided that it’s winter again so after 2 or 3 days of awesome weather we’re back to getting smoked in the face with ice shards every day. Mother Nature is acting like she’s manic depressive with these weather swings and that’s a buster ass move on her part. Get some Xanex and make it Spring already.

Nothing weird at the train station. Just a homeless dude belting out his off key versions of the oldies and a couple of women screaming curse words at each other. Y’know, regular Monday stuff.

I grab a seat on the train and everything is going find until we hit Fullerton. Then I realize there’s a baby on the train. Seeing a stroller on the CTA is a buster ass situation; babies fall only behind drunk Cubs fans as the shittiest CTA passengers out there. Of course, baby isn’t happy about something and proceeds to scream his ass off for the rest of the time I’m on the train. Buster ass move by the baby but it’s nothing compared to the mom. Mom’s just looking out the window and pretending that everything’s all good. Lady, give the kid a binky or a bottle or something. You’re just gonna stare out the window and go to a happy place while the kid wilds out the entire trip home? Buster ass move.

CTA Babies are buster. Keep coming back.

Italian Ass Wrecking

CNN - Berlusconi has been indicted for paying for sex with an under-age prostitute, 17-year-old Karima el Mahroug -- nicknamed "Ruby the heart-stealer." The liaison allegedly happened last spring, during parties at his villa -- something both she and he deny.

Prosecutors also allege Berlusconi abused his power by calling police to try to get "Ruby" released after she was arrested for theft last May. He says he thought she was related to the since-deposed Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak and he was acting in Italy's interest by trying to avoid a diplomatic incident.

Get that ass, Silvio Berlusconi. Probably a little bit young for you but I like the moxie. Europeans are just outclassing their US counterparts in political sex scandals. Bill Clinton getting busy with Monica in the Oval Office? Buster ass move. Silvio raises you with a mansion sex swing party full of under age immigrant call girls.

I’m also throwing the diplomatic incident excuse in my back pocket because that's gold. Girlfriends pissed because I got too drunk at her friends’ birthday party? It was an Irish themed bar so not getting slammed would have been rude to the Irish. International incident avoided. Case closed.

Italian Ass Wrecking is unbuster news. Keep coming back.

Flying Follies

I go out to the east coast to visit the corporate headquarters for a year end review. Visiting corporate headquarters = 3 hours of meetings and 5 hours of playing brick breaker while pretending to read e-mails. Brick breaker is not buster. The meetings went well and I got some decent meals out of the visit so overall it was a pretty good trip. Basically, if I get to eat and don’t spill food on my work pants then I consider a work trip successful.

I leave on Thursday and get to the airport just to run into the slowest TSA screener on the planet. Chick just looked like an ex-librarian who decided to fight al-Qaeda by scanning my underpants 3 times. Fighting the terrorists with librarians? Buster ass move.

I get to the gate and decide to just hang out for a while. The airport has free wifi so I can look at the number of people who visit the blog each day and believe me when I say it’s a buster number. It’s like having a birthday party and the only kids who show up are cousins.

It’s time to line up to board and I take Southwest Airlines which is fun because you see the worst side of human beings possible. You’ve got all types of dick bags on Southwest. There’s always some guy who doesn’t understand the system. Dude's just in front of the line with B29 when they start boarding the A’s and gets all pouty ass when he can’t get on the plane first. Buster ass move. Then you have some person who is adamant about getting the proper number alignment. They think that since they have B22 and I have B24 they can just blast me in the face with their shoulder. Buster ass move. I won’t even get into all of the buster ass shit on the plane but I’ll talk about the one I hate the most: talking on the phone. Seriously, bro? Something came up in the 15 minutes between getting on the plane and taking off? You’re gonna have a conversation about Sudoku puzzles for 10 minutes before a stewardess forces you to hang up? Buster ass move.

Flying Follies are buster. Keep coming back.

Train Penny

There's a saying: "See a penny, pick it up, the rest of the day you'll have good luck." Well, go ahead and add "Unless it's on the orange line. That shit's gross." Saw a penny on the train back from Midway today and decided that some good luck was in order. Picked that thing up and realized within a second that no good was coming out of the situation. Buster ass move. My luck is unchanged but I'm guessing the amount of homeless guy feces on my fingers is through the roof.

Train Penny was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Coffee Shirt

I have to go on a business trip out to the east coast. There's a lot of planning involved: booking hotels, booking flights, setting agendas, etc. There's a lot of logistics that I had to work out: I woke up at 5:00 this morning so I can get downtown and onto an orange line to Midway by 6:30. I did laundry and ironed last night. I got everything packed as well. I have everything covered. Everything is planned out perfectly.

Everything other than eating like a dickhead. Coffee on the shirt within 2 minutes of buying it. Buster ass move on my part.

Coffee Shirt is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Chinese Food

So I’m watching the news the other day and I find out that the only Chinese place around the condo is getting shut down. They claim it’s because of health code violations. Hunan Egg Roll King is just doing me dirty and putting rat poops in the food.

Then I wake up. Is my brain being serious with these dreams right now? You can’t make me climb a mountain or fight a leopard or something? You’ve got me watching the local news which is bad enough but then you’re gonna make me worry about friendly Chinese dudes just taking dumps on my sweet & sour combo plate? Buster ass move.

Chinese Food dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Super Bowl Hit Squad

1) BLT dip – The best thing that’s happened to me in the past 5 years is finding out that BLT dip was a real thing. Girlfriend isn’t going to like me saying that but it is what it is.

2) Aaron Rodgers – He’s a little bit buster because he’ll be giving the Chicago Bears fits for the next decade but goddamn is he a good player. Aaron Rodgers > Brett Favre and that makes me smile.

3) Cowboys & Aliens – I won’t watch this movie but it’s awesome that it’s going to get made AND that you somehow managed to get big names involved. Daniel Craig rolling towards aliens with a six shooter? No shit? It’s nice to see that acid use is rampant in Hollywood.

4) W – Say what you will about his politics but he’s a likable guy. Just catching the game with Mr. Jones and having a hot dog. Iraq war crimes what? Bitch, I’m retired.

Super Bowl Hit Squad is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Super Bowl Sharts

1) Black Eyed Peas – Who is in charge of booking half time shows? How about The Black Keys at half time in Arlington? Those guys would have ripped the place to shreds and instead I have to watch Will.I.Am dance around like an asshole with metal hair. Buster ass scene.

2) Dates with pits – Just awful. I spent about 20 minutes looking for dates in Jewel which is a buster ass amount of time to shop for fruit. Then I come to find out that the dates I’ve got have pits in them? Buster ass move. These are supposed be bacon wrapped dates, not bacon wrapped dates mixed with my friends chipped teeth.

3) GoDaddy.com – Full frontal nudity next year or go the away for good. I don’t even know what your business is but I hope it fails.

4) No guacamole – Guacamole is basically my go to dish that I bring to parties but I didn’t bring it last night. Not enough buzz. Having fingers smell like cilantro all day? Actually, that’s awesome, but taking the guac for granted is about as buster ass it gets.

In the end I'm just glad that the Vikings sucked this year. I really don't like the Vikings.

Super Bowl Sharts are buster. Keep coming back.

Car Ride

I’m driving down the street and I’m not 100% sure of where I’m going. All I know is that I need to drive somewhere and drop of my friend, Jimbo. Having to give rides is one of the more buster aspects of being friends with someone. Giving rides blows.

Then I look a little closer at Jimbo. Turns out that he’s a character from ‘The Simpsons.’ Hold up, brain. Not only are you going to force me to give some dude a ride in my dream but you’re gonna throw some part time character my way? Buster ass move. Granted, I don’t want to drive Bart because he’d be a pain in the ass but at least let me drive Barney to his AA meeting or something. Pick it up, brain.

Ride dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Murderstorm

If the reader isn’t already aware, I live in Chicago and we recently caught the tail end of a crazy ass winter storm which included something called “thunder snow.” That sounds like a made up term but apparently it’s real. You’re just gonna have weather that sounds like some kind of Tolkien creation running around here? Buster ass move. If anything from the LOTR trilogy is gonna show up it better be that dwarf guy. He can pound brews, I bet.

I’m at work on Tuesday and all day around the office we keep hearing about other places shutting shop at about 12 and cancelling work on Wednesday. However, where I work its business as usual; don’t worry about blood covered snow outside your window.

I bounce at 2 because it’s clear we’re about to get destroyed by the weather and I’m all about making executive decisions that require me to leave work early. The rest of my trip home was just a buster ass clinic. Crowded red line? Check. Tsunami winds with ice shards? Check. Walking single file in snow behind a girl who tops out at 2 mph? Check. That last one is the most buster move of them all. Where do you learn to walk like that? It’s impolite to walk that slow unless you were injured in WWII.

Murderstorm is buster. Keep coming back.

Surfing CTA

I watched a dude ride the bus today and he basically surfed the entire way. No joke. Instead of grabbing onto something he decides to just get into a full crouch and ride the 136 like he’s on a long board or something. I don’t get it: holding onto bus handles = GROSS! GERMS; surfing on bus and looking like a lunatic = reasonable solution. This city is goddamned bananas.

Surfing CTA is buster. Keep coming back.

Sushi Superbowl

Just grab one of the chefs and Yoshi from Shiroi Hana and set their ass up in the corner. Miso soup by the gallon. Spider rolls with enough wasabi to melt my eyeballs. Do me a favor and keep the ginger off of the plate because that stuff is terrible. “Ummm, the ginger cleanses your pallet.” Anyone who says they have a “pallet” is a dickface.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day looking at photos of the Black Eyed Peas and getting angry at their outfits. Jesus Christ with these outfits.

Sushi Superbowl is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Kabob

I was out getting lunch with a friend the other day and there was a special: beef, chicken, or pork kabobs. The sign was confusing because I thought you could have ALL beef, chicken, or pork but choose kabob form if you wanted. I don’t want a kabob, I only want beef.

Turns out this was a dream so I never got to ask whether or not I could have only beef. Even worse, remember that friend I mentioned? No face. Dead serious. I’m just eating some unwanted kabob with a no face? Buster ass move by my brain.

Kabob dream was buster. Keep coming back.

Jog

I’m on the treadmill this morning and I finish my workout. I make sure to wipe down the machine because people poop their pants if you don’t do that. Then I make sure to stretch and walk out of the room.

Then I wake up. I just had a dream that I was exercising. Not flying. Not underwater on a submarine. Jogging in my condo complex with WGN news blaring the background. Buster ass move by my brain.

Jog dream was buster. Keep coming back.

BOYSNIGHTOUT

There are a couple of friends in town this weekend so I go to meet them at the bar. Girlfriend can’t come because she’s had the flu for about a week. Weeklong flu is buster. Sick girlfriend + out of town friends = BOYSNIGHTOUT = cigarettes. Having a BOYSNIGHTOUT every so often is necessary because it reminds me how terrible I was at picking up women at the bar. “Have sex with me, please. How many drinks for your sex?” Probably less buster then the game I would typically spit when I was single.

Friend #1 lives in Madison, WI and was in town for a job interview. I’m a little fuzzy because there were beers but I’m pretty sure he said that he’d turn down a job if they made him shave his beard. If you need a beard that badly in order to define who you are then you’re about as buster as it gets. Nobody gives a shit about your beard, shave it. Friend #1 also told me that I need to post more often in order to read the blog. Bro, do you know how hard it is to come up with stuff to write? It’s not every day that a homeless guy takes a dump on the train so I can write about it. Unreachable expectations are buster.

Friend #2 lives in Boulder, CO and he likes riding his bicycle. I recently visited Friend #2 in Colorado and we ate chicken wings for 5 out of the 6 meals out there. Eating dark meat chicken wings covered in hot sauce non-stop for 3 days straight? Buster ass move, according to my stomach. Friend #2 was in town for a work event and he gave me his card. I don’t understand his job even though he’s explained it to me a bunch of times. It's something with robot medicine, I'm pretty sure.

Recap of the night: Gaslight = not buster. Faith & Whiskey = a little more buster then Gaslight but not bad; dude just slept in the bathroom for an hour. Beaumonts = I can’t even tell if this is buster because of beers. Irish exit from Beaumonts = not buster, standard operating procedure. California Pizza at 4 AM = goddamnit.

BOYSNIGHTOUT isn’t buster. Keep coming back.

Doughy Pizza

I’m a big fan of cooking. My dad was always the cook in the house so I used to watch him while he worked over the stove. A lot of kids have memories of playing catch with their dad but not me. I remember watching my dad create red wine reduction sauces while he yelled at me for not paying attention during math tests. I forgot to make the fractions have a common denominator AND didn’t double check my work? Buster ass move, according to my dad. Long story short, I now enjoy cooking and can add fractions.

One of my favorite things to make is pizza and it’s because dough is the best thing ever created. “Oh, there’s so many complex carbs. Those take a while to burn off” True, but nobody forces you to eat 3,000 calories worth of bread, fatty. Guess what happens if you eat 3,000 calories worth of carrots a day? You’re still chunky and you smell like a pet store. Atkins diet is buster.

I was recently out on a shopping trip and bought a pizza stone. Pizza stones, if you aren’t familiar, are the second greatest thing ever created. It’s like having a brick oven in the condo.

I get the process going by letting the yeast and sugar have sex to make yeast gas baby children. That sounds weird, but it’s in the ball park of what happens. Then, after mixing in the flour I let the dough rise for about 90 minutes. Not letting dough rise long enough is buster. I remove the dough and it feels a little bit sticky but not too bad; I figure it’ll be fine once I get it onto the pizza stone which was a stupid move. I should have added more flour. I spread the dough and add the rest of the ingredients. Bacon + caramelized red onions + goat cheese = most unbuster pizza you’re ever going to find. Goat cheese is a wild card for 2011; that stuff just puts it on you and doesn't take it off. I take the pizza out after about 10 minutes and the bottom is stuck to the stone. Buster ass move. Girlfriend tries a piece. It’s not cooked all the way through so it’s way too doughy. I actually want God to kill me in the kitchen at this moment. I pop the pizza back into the oven for about 7 minutes to try and cook it a little more. It tastes better, but it’s still not great. I’ve got a doughy ass pizza and a dough covered pizza stone on my hands. Buster ass situation.

Doughy Pizza is buster. Keep coming back.

Scuffed Bookcase

I’ve wanted to get a bookshelf for quite a while. It’s primarily to hide the ugly ass phone jack on the wall but a bookshelf is also a great way to make visitors feel bad about themselves. “Yes, I read economics books for fun. Don’t you? Hmmm, well it isn’t for everyone I guess.” That may sound elitist but you don’t know how often I go to work with ketchup stains on my pants. I’m more of an extremely literate toddler. Another good reason for having a bookshelf is because it increases your chances of librarian sex. Librarian sex is not buster but it’s probably very quiet.

Girlfriend comes to help and the first store we visit is closed until 11:00. That’s cool, there’s a gas station café nearby so we can kill some time. After coffee and Hostess Donettes we head back to the store at 11:15. Still closed. Buster ass move.

We eventually get into the store and see that the prices are about as buster as you’re going to get so we head to Target up the street. I find what I need in about 10 minutes but girlfriend needs to spend additional time in the lamp aisle. I’m confused because this was not a lamp shopping trip.

The new purchase gets put on the floor and sits there until Sunday at about 4 PM. It would have gotten done earlier but hangover + Bears playoff game = couch time. On a side note, Jay Cutler’s game was not buster but he didn’t smile enough for Rick Reilly. Rick Reilly has a face like a fart warehouse. I open the box and take out what seems like a dozen pieces of wood and 40 screws. I look at the directions and it’s very possible that I’m going to throw up but that’s not the biggest issue. I’m going through all of the pieces of wood and they’re all busted and scuffed up. Really Target? I’m basically the president of your fan club and you’re going to sell me scuffed up bookshelves? Buster ass move. You think librarian sex is going down with this scuffed up piece? Hell no. Maybe some hand stuff over the jeans but that’s about it.

Scuffed Bookcase is buster. Keep coming back.

Deli Lines

This past Sunday I go to the grocery store to pick up lunch stuff for the week. I bring the lunch to save money but there is a huge downside. The communal refrigerator. There isn’t a more awful place on earth then the communal refrigerator; just a food graveyard of labeled leftovers and half finished bottles of soda. Everything just sits in there forever because as soon as you toss a 3 week old container of beef stew you hear from some crazy lady who wanted her moldy ass beef stew for lunch that day. And don’t misjudge the situation; people will go to the mattresses for their leftovers. Communal fridge is a buster ass situation that I stay away from.

Since I stay away from the communal fridge I’m limited to sandwiches for lunch. My sandwiches are pretty boring because I don’t add mayo or tomatoes or mustard or anything. Mayo or tomato on a sandwich for 5 hours before lunch? That’s a soggy ass bread situation.

One way to make a sandwich a little bit better is by buying better ingredients such as bakery bread and pre-packaged deli cheeses. You ever have challah bread from the bakery? Probably the most unbuster form of complex carbohydrates out there. Shit is bananas.

While I’ll buy some nice bakery bread and some nice pre-packaged deli cheese I don’t buy deli meats because the deli counter is one of the more buster places that you’re ever going to imagine; just a terrible roster of characters in the deli line. You’ve got the lady who’s got no idea what she wants. Seriously? Did you just wander over to the deli counter by mistake? You couldn’t make the turkey vs. chicken decision on the walk over here? I have to watch you debate this right now? Buster ass move. Even worse is the person who orders 20 different things. One type of turkey isn’t enough? You really need a quarter pound of 8 different types of meats and 4 different types of cheeses? This isn’t Top Chef; limit your turkey and cheese variations. There’s a line and you’re trying to become some buster ass Gordon Ramsey. Man, I hate the supermarket.

Deli Lines are buster. Keep coming back.

Sunday Laundry

I wake up on Sunday and it was clearly going to be most buster of days in 2011 (10 days in, but still). If you read the previous post you heard a little bit about my Saturday; shit got weird. How weird? 4:30 AM gyro plate weirdness. That’s goddamned weird. Nobody needs that. The problem isn’t the hangover; I can just slam water and stare at the fish tank to deal with that. The problem is that Sunday is laundry day which is a concern. Worrying about throwing up in the laundry room at the condo complex is a buster ass way to live your life.

One reason laundry on Sunday sucks is because everyone is down there at the same time so it’s very possible that you get skunked. I brought my laundry all the way down here and there’s no open washing machines? I’m going to hang myself. Dead serious.

The worst part of Sunday laundry is dealing with the other peopled that are down there. Not having clean socks for work on Monday is a buster ass scenario so everyone is on edge during laundry day. Nobody wants to be there and anything that extends laundry day pisses you off. This past Sunday I took the last two machines and skunked the guy who came in right after me. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him because we both know what happened and I could feel the dagger eyes all over me. Listen bro, I’m in the same situation as you, alright? I’ve been wearing t-shirts out of the hamper since Friday night and you’re just gonna give me eye daggers when I take two machines? Don’t give me eye daggers. I don’t know who the buster ass right now. Is it me for taking machines? Is it the other guy for dagger eyes? I think that it’s more of the situation then anything. I hate Sunday Laundry.

Sunday Laundry is buster. Keep coming back.

Bar Stander

I go out on Saturday to catch the playoff games. NFL playoffs are not buster in any form unless you took the Saints -10 in which case you probably want to punch Marshawn Lynch and the New Orleans secondary in the face. That was some buster ass tackling on that play.

The first game starts up at 3:30 so it’s absolutely necessary that I start drinking by then. Days like this usually end with me eating hamburgers at 3 AM on Sunday morning.

The day was spent between playoff games and Playstation Move. After the pre-party we decided to head out and meet up with a larger group. I eat some chicken tenders in order to avoid blacking out at 9. My day was sports, videogames, and chicken tenders; I’m basically a 12 year old with a beard.

After dinner we go to Halligan which, on its best day, is a C+ bar. It’s not the most expensive bar but that’s all it has going for it. That bar is way too crowded and the layout creates a terrible bottleneck that’s a pain in the ass to get through. Crowded bars are buster but that’s the choice of group so I make the best of it by pouring $4 Bud Lights into my face. The Bud Lights are flowing, the arguments are basically non-stop, and I’m creeping out all types of girls from Depaul; this night is going very well. I go to the bar to get another Bud Light and I see you. You’ve got a full beer and you’re just standing with your back leaning against the bar. Buster ass move. Bro, this bar is bursting at the seams with people and you’re just going to stand there trying to make a scene. Nobody gives a shit about you or your cable knit hat; move your ass so other people can order drinks. You think I’m going to respect your personal space and go around you? Incorrect; enjoy feeling my dong rub up on your leg as I push in to get cocktails.

Bar Stander is buster. Keep coming back.

Broken CTA Card

I wake up early this morning to go jogging. I hear the story about the homeless dude with a killer voice who got a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Redemption stories are not buster. However, the story mentions that he went to school to study radio broadcasting before he was homeless. What? What kind of classes can you take? Talk into the goddamned microphone and you’re on the radio. Class dismissed.

The lights stay off when I get ready because I don’t want to wake up the fish. That’s one of the more buster ass sentences I’m ever going to write. Since when do fish run the goddamned show at my condo? Since December’s fish suicide/murder spree, that’s when.

Bus Tracker says the bus is getting here in four minutes. No time for the elevator; I take the emergency stairs. I get to the bus stop with 3 ½ minutes to spare but showing up a minute late and missing the bus is some kind of unquantifiable level of buster. Stephen Hawking couldn’t even wrap his mind around how buster that situation is.

I get on the bus and scan my wallet with the card in it. Nothing happens. No problem, I’ll just take the card out. I scan the card by itself. Nothing happens. I’m starting to sweat. I let the people behind me get on the bus because making someone stand there while you act like a dickbag on the bus is a buster move. I keep on scanning this card while the bus driver pulls away. Bend the card the bus driver tells me. Bend the card? What kind of Mickey Mouse operation is the CTA running where you just bend shit to make it work? I bend the hell out of the card and nothing is happening. We pull up to another stop and I have to get out of the way to let more people on. Not only do I look like a goofball in front of the entire bus but now I’m losing seats as well? Buster ass situation. The bus driver tells me to forget it and go check with the CTA office about what’s going on. I appreciate the driver taking the high road on this issue but I really have to go to the CTA offices? Goddamn, I could start a whole new blog about how buster that office is. People just walking around with dumps in their pants and what not.

Broken CTA Card is buster. Keep coming back.

Fire Coffee

I get off the bus today and head towards Caribou Coffee. My typical coffee spot is 7-11 because they’ll sell you a gallon of coffee for $1.07 and all you have to do is deal with some aggressive panhandling outside; no big deal. However, right now it’s too cold to walk from 7-11 to the office. I’ll tell people that I’ve got no change but this weather is just a buster ass situation.

I get in line and can tell the person in front of me is going to have a dickhead order. If there are more than 6 words to your coffee order then you need to get hit with a sock full of pennies. Move your ass.

I notice that there are small slices of the breakfast sandwiches that Caribou is coming out with. I want a piece but I don’t take one; the cashier never mentions it. I know it’s very unlikely that there are just tiny pieces of sandwich for sale but I don’t want to risk getting called out for taking one when I’m not supposed to. Getting chastised by cashiers is buster.

Then I get the coffee and there are always two things to work out with the coffee. The first is room for cream. Personally, I laugh when the barista asks “room for cream?” because I think it could be a fairly solid pick up line at bars. I’m not asked today but it doesn’t matter because they’ve given me room which is smart; if you don’t give me the room then you’ve got coffee dumped into the trash can and liquids in the trash is a buster ass situation. The second thing to work on is the heat of the coffee. Every coffee place I go to needs to pump the brakes on their coffee cooking heat. I’m not a demon; I don’t like my coffee to be the temperature of the sun. I know that it requires heat to make the coffee but you guys are just going over the line. Now I’ve got to take the top off and let it sit for a few minutes which is a buster ass situation. How am I supposed to start my day? Answering e-mails? Go to hell.

Fire Coffee is buster. Keep coming back.