The NFL lockout has finally finished and it's pretty good news for the country. You want to have no NFL when the unemployment rate is over 8%? Buster idea. It's somehow possible for people to have a pretty dogshit existence and STILL get pumped up when a bunch of giants move a ball across a field. In the long run, this country MAY be on the edge of a financial shitstorm but at least we can watch James Harrison try to kill people every game next year just to spite Roger Goodell. We've got that, at least.
SIGN HIM
Oh goodness. Mike Sims-Walker says that Chicago would be one of the "ideal spots for me." It would be ideal if you can get here as soon as possible and practice catching TD's from #6. Fade to the corner so you can go high on some CB? No problem. Is Aromashadu on the way out? I'm pretty sure he had sex with Mike Martzs' daughter or something. Guy is just buried on the depth chart.
I hear Jay Cutler is on the market for a wing man. I wonder if there's an application or something that I could look at. We could get drunk at Otherside and yell at each other. Red Eye front page for sure.
Lockout Ends is unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Red Eye Bitchout
I’m at 7-11 this morning getting a 52 ounce coffee like I do every day. A lady in front of me leaves the cash register and heads towards the newspapers. Here’s what follows:
Cashier: “I didn’t charge you for a newspaper. Do you want one?”
Busy Lady: “I SAID Red Eye.”
Cashier: “I’m not sure if we have that.”
Busy Lady: “Could have told me that earlier instead of wasting my damn time.” Stomp towards the revolving door and exit. Scene.
Buster ass move. You really can’t bitch someone out for wasting your time when your preferred method of getting news is a free paper that takes 5 minutes to read cover to cover; you’re wasting your own time by even picking that thing up. The only reason to touch the Red Eye is if you’ve got absolutely nothing else to read on the bus because taking mass transit without reading material opens the door to making eye contact with strangers. Making eye contact with strangers can lead to some of the most buster situations imaginable. Ever lock eyes with the guy who’s riding the CTA drunk at 10 AM? Dude just attaches to you like one of those fish that live on sharks and spits incoherent rambling in your direction while the rest of the train pretends to not hear what’s going on. Lucky bastards.
Red Eye Bitchout was buster. Keep coming back.
Cashier: “I didn’t charge you for a newspaper. Do you want one?”
Busy Lady: “I SAID Red Eye.”
Cashier: “I’m not sure if we have that.”
Busy Lady: “Could have told me that earlier instead of wasting my damn time.” Stomp towards the revolving door and exit. Scene.
Buster ass move. You really can’t bitch someone out for wasting your time when your preferred method of getting news is a free paper that takes 5 minutes to read cover to cover; you’re wasting your own time by even picking that thing up. The only reason to touch the Red Eye is if you’ve got absolutely nothing else to read on the bus because taking mass transit without reading material opens the door to making eye contact with strangers. Making eye contact with strangers can lead to some of the most buster situations imaginable. Ever lock eyes with the guy who’s riding the CTA drunk at 10 AM? Dude just attaches to you like one of those fish that live on sharks and spits incoherent rambling in your direction while the rest of the train pretends to not hear what’s going on. Lucky bastards.
Red Eye Bitchout was buster. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Street Mad Dog
I’m on the bus and things are pretty much normal. It’s way too hot. People are pissing me off. I keep on thinking that I’m going to throw up. It’s a regular Monday so far.
Until we get near the Michigan Avenue stop and some homeless dude comes out of nowhere and starts staring at one of the passengers. Shit just got real. This guy is just trying to get to his 9-5 and you’re gonna roll up in jean shorts and mad dog him? Buster ass move, sir. This wasn’t a normal stare, either. This was an “I ate a pigeon last night and you’re about to get stabbed by a knife I made out of a pizza box” kind of stare. Worst kind there is.
I really felt for this guy who was getting stared down. It doesn’t matter that we’re in a “civilized society” where fighting isn’t permitted for the most part; you don’t stare a dude down. I don’t care if a guy becomes a wet nurse and has elective surgery that allows him to breast feed; if you stare at him long enough with crazy eyes he’s gonna try to curb stomp you. All of that aside, this guy on the bus was in his 9-5 clothes (not scrapping clothes by a mile) and this crazy guy has nothing to lose. You think a mad dogging homeless dude cares about getting into a street scuffle? Motherfucker swaps strains of hepatitis with his buddies like they’re trading cards. Trading communicable diseases for fun is buster as hell.
Eventually the bus started moving again and no scuffle ensued, I went back to reading my book, and I’m assuming the guy on the street continued searching for someone whose nose he could eat for breakfast.
Street Mad Dog was buster. Keep coming back.
Until we get near the Michigan Avenue stop and some homeless dude comes out of nowhere and starts staring at one of the passengers. Shit just got real. This guy is just trying to get to his 9-5 and you’re gonna roll up in jean shorts and mad dog him? Buster ass move, sir. This wasn’t a normal stare, either. This was an “I ate a pigeon last night and you’re about to get stabbed by a knife I made out of a pizza box” kind of stare. Worst kind there is.
I really felt for this guy who was getting stared down. It doesn’t matter that we’re in a “civilized society” where fighting isn’t permitted for the most part; you don’t stare a dude down. I don’t care if a guy becomes a wet nurse and has elective surgery that allows him to breast feed; if you stare at him long enough with crazy eyes he’s gonna try to curb stomp you. All of that aside, this guy on the bus was in his 9-5 clothes (not scrapping clothes by a mile) and this crazy guy has nothing to lose. You think a mad dogging homeless dude cares about getting into a street scuffle? Motherfucker swaps strains of hepatitis with his buddies like they’re trading cards. Trading communicable diseases for fun is buster as hell.
Eventually the bus started moving again and no scuffle ensued, I went back to reading my book, and I’m assuming the guy on the street continued searching for someone whose nose he could eat for breakfast.
Street Mad Dog was buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Local Gay Sex Area
HAHAHAHA
Where to begin:
-Of all the places you can get it off, a bird sanctuary can’t be high on the list. All those ruffling feathers and cooing and all of that? Distracting. No thank you.
-Great article title. This was a circle jerk, NOT gay sex. Someone needs to get the editor’s pen out and dress this up a little bit.
-The comments are just great. You got the person (who, ironically, uses a Lady Gaga song title as their user name) who rips on ALL gays. You’ve got other gays telling the circle jerk gays to get out of the closet and head towards Halsted.
-There was an expose (right HERE if you want to see it) about sex in Montrose Harbor? Guys are just cruising around the paths at night and banging it out? I don’t even care about the gay sex; get it how you get it. I just wonder if my realtor knew when I bought my condo. I demand FULL disclosure on local gay sex grottos.
I’m not even sure if the guys in the story are gay. Is this what closeted homosexual men do? Coordinate masturbating together in the park? This just seems more hipster then gay. Goddamn kids reducing their carbon footprint by masturbating outdoors at the same time. Sons of bitches.
Finally, I consider myself cooler since Montrose Harbor is about 5 minutes from my place. I mean, secret gay sex in the park is so urban I can’t stand it.
Local Gay Sex Area is unbuster news. Keep coming back.
Where to begin:
-Of all the places you can get it off, a bird sanctuary can’t be high on the list. All those ruffling feathers and cooing and all of that? Distracting. No thank you.
-Great article title. This was a circle jerk, NOT gay sex. Someone needs to get the editor’s pen out and dress this up a little bit.
-The comments are just great. You got the person (who, ironically, uses a Lady Gaga song title as their user name) who rips on ALL gays. You’ve got other gays telling the circle jerk gays to get out of the closet and head towards Halsted.
-There was an expose (right HERE if you want to see it) about sex in Montrose Harbor? Guys are just cruising around the paths at night and banging it out? I don’t even care about the gay sex; get it how you get it. I just wonder if my realtor knew when I bought my condo. I demand FULL disclosure on local gay sex grottos.
I’m not even sure if the guys in the story are gay. Is this what closeted homosexual men do? Coordinate masturbating together in the park? This just seems more hipster then gay. Goddamn kids reducing their carbon footprint by masturbating outdoors at the same time. Sons of bitches.
Finally, I consider myself cooler since Montrose Harbor is about 5 minutes from my place. I mean, secret gay sex in the park is so urban I can’t stand it.
Local Gay Sex Area is unbuster news. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bachelor Party Pukes
I’m excited for Jake’s bachelor party. Drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks as well as barbeque and paintball and a party bus. I ride buses every single day to work and they are rarely a party in any way. Unless you consider getting furious at people before 8 A.M. a party, the CTA doesn’t serve that function.
We play paintball for about 3 hours on Saturday and its pretty fun. The course was out in East Dundee at a place called ‘Santa’s Village’ that I used to visit when I was a kid. Apparently, Santa took on a little too much debt because about half of his land has been converted into a paintball course and it’s pretty comical. Where’s that sniper coming from? It’s coming from the elf cottage and I just took a shot to the neck. Painful buster ass move, I should have used the giant cupcake as cover.
I get home and rest a few hours. I feel pretty shitty but that’s no big deal; a few beers will straighten me out, right? It’s also a good idea to eat a giant slice of Bacci’s pizza that’s probably been sitting out for 4 hours. That’ll set me straight.
Party bus is here. I’m psyched; I just need two or three more beers to be in a pretty good spot. Boche’s got the mix tape; he’s good at that kind of thing. Man, this beer is going down but it’s not going down that well; my stomach is not in a good way. I’m fine, my stomach just hurts. I’m not going to puke. Are we almost there? Where are we, Lakeshore? This bus has shitty suspension. I’m not going to puke. No, I don’t want another beer right now. I’m just taking a break. I’m not going to puke. Where are the trash cans? No reason, just want to know. I’m not going to puke. Hey Boche, can I sit in the backseat with the trash can? Yea, I’m just being cautious. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHHHHHH! Alright, goodbye pizza dinner. YEA! Feeling good! All I had to do was get that puke out and now I’m set for the night. Let’s have a beer at Kerryman. I finished the beer but I’m feeling a little weird. I’m not going to puke. I’m just going downstairs to pee. I don’t have to puke again do I? I haven’t drank that much. No, I’m not going to pu….BLAHHHHHHH! Alright, I need to buy some Tums. That’ll set me straight, right? Head to the Walgreens across the street and get some Tums. ALRIGHT! Back to partying! How many blocks have we gone? 3? Fuck this bus suspension in the ass with a banana. I’m serious. Where are you going? I’m going to walk to the next bar, get some fresh air. That’ll set me straight. I’m not going to puke. I think I should stand by this trash can for second. No reason, just for kicks. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHH. Fuck this. I’m going home. Buster ass move, stomach.
Bachelor Party Pukes were buster. Keep coming back.
We play paintball for about 3 hours on Saturday and its pretty fun. The course was out in East Dundee at a place called ‘Santa’s Village’ that I used to visit when I was a kid. Apparently, Santa took on a little too much debt because about half of his land has been converted into a paintball course and it’s pretty comical. Where’s that sniper coming from? It’s coming from the elf cottage and I just took a shot to the neck. Painful buster ass move, I should have used the giant cupcake as cover.
I get home and rest a few hours. I feel pretty shitty but that’s no big deal; a few beers will straighten me out, right? It’s also a good idea to eat a giant slice of Bacci’s pizza that’s probably been sitting out for 4 hours. That’ll set me straight.
Party bus is here. I’m psyched; I just need two or three more beers to be in a pretty good spot. Boche’s got the mix tape; he’s good at that kind of thing. Man, this beer is going down but it’s not going down that well; my stomach is not in a good way. I’m fine, my stomach just hurts. I’m not going to puke. Are we almost there? Where are we, Lakeshore? This bus has shitty suspension. I’m not going to puke. No, I don’t want another beer right now. I’m just taking a break. I’m not going to puke. Where are the trash cans? No reason, just want to know. I’m not going to puke. Hey Boche, can I sit in the backseat with the trash can? Yea, I’m just being cautious. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHHHHHH! Alright, goodbye pizza dinner. YEA! Feeling good! All I had to do was get that puke out and now I’m set for the night. Let’s have a beer at Kerryman. I finished the beer but I’m feeling a little weird. I’m not going to puke. I’m just going downstairs to pee. I don’t have to puke again do I? I haven’t drank that much. No, I’m not going to pu….BLAHHHHHHH! Alright, I need to buy some Tums. That’ll set me straight, right? Head to the Walgreens across the street and get some Tums. ALRIGHT! Back to partying! How many blocks have we gone? 3? Fuck this bus suspension in the ass with a banana. I’m serious. Where are you going? I’m going to walk to the next bar, get some fresh air. That’ll set me straight. I’m not going to puke. I think I should stand by this trash can for second. No reason, just for kicks. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHH. Fuck this. I’m going home. Buster ass move, stomach.
Bachelor Party Pukes were buster. Keep coming back.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Cold Tablet Follow Up
I don't know how you're supposed to take medicine, but I'm pretty sure that if you're taking it with Diet Coke or coffee then you aren't doing it right. I know I'm supposed to take it with water and I really don't want to be sick anymore but water is pissing me off. As far as beverages go, water has put out the least effort to win me over recently. Just laying there like a dead fish while Mr. Pibb goes balls out to get into my rotation.
Cold Tablet Follow Up was a buster scene. Keep coming back.
Cold Tablet Follow Up was a buster scene. Keep coming back.
Longform.org
Longform.org
A collection of longform journalism (which seems to be a fancier way of saying "magazine articles") from all over the place. If you've ever got 6 - 8 minutes of reading to do (I won't be crass but you know what activity I'm talking about) then you'll appreciate the site pretty quickly.
Longform.org is unbuster. Keep coming back.
P.S. I'm talking about shitting. Print articles off if you're on the way to take a shit.
A collection of longform journalism (which seems to be a fancier way of saying "magazine articles") from all over the place. If you've ever got 6 - 8 minutes of reading to do (I won't be crass but you know what activity I'm talking about) then you'll appreciate the site pretty quickly.
Longform.org is unbuster. Keep coming back.
P.S. I'm talking about shitting. Print articles off if you're on the way to take a shit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)