Hat tip to the commish for a solid draft experience once my computer pulled it's head out of it's ass. If I get to my desk at 8 and need to take a deuce by 8:10 I know that I had a great time the night before.
Rashard Mendenhall ($35) – Good keeper because he smashes faces and would have been at least $10 more if he hit the open market. More red zone carries for this guy, Mr. Tomlin.
Steven Jackson ($46) – This guy can smash faces or burn people and his numbers are on the way up now that St. Louis has a QB with a pulse. The Rams offense is getting sneaky good.
Ray Rice ($69) – Did the CLBC just throw $150 down to make the most fearsome RB stable in the league? Looks like it. When this deal was finalized I’m pretty sure 2 teams left the draft room to change their underpants.
Roy Helu ($1) – Mike Shanahan can get 1,200 yards from anyone who isn’t in a wheelchair and the Ryan Torrain/Tim Hightower backfield doesn't make any defensive coordinator nervous. Helu starts stealing carries by week 3 and is the full time starter by week 5. Big time upside.
Steve Johnson ($1) – My second keeper who’s going to get 12 – 15 targets a game from Fitzpatrick. It’s very possible that this guy gets doubled and is still the best option on passing downs because the WR group in Buffalo is a fart.
Danario Alexander ($7) – Who? Just a giant who’s coming off an injury on a team with no standout WR’s. Sleeper special.
Jordy Nelson ($7) – White slot guy. White slot guys get points for cheap in PPR leagues.
Kevin Walter ($1) – See above.
Nate Burleson ($1) – With everyone watching Calvin Johnson this dude will run free underneath and stack up yards even though trips to the endzone will be rare.
Arrelious Benn ($1) – Big time sleeper special coming off an injury/inconsistent rookie year. Josh Freeman is a good QB who needs targets and I’m guessing the former 2nd round pick shows up this season. No risk and high reward.
Jay Cutler ($9) – Dude just showed up in great shape with the best mechanics of his life and is ready to murder people for 35 a game in the Martz offense. I’m pretty sure he dumped Cavalari because she was interfering with his playbook study time. No shit.
Eli Manning ($6) – Hahahaha. I’ve slammed 7 beers in 2 hours and it’s everyone else who’s acting shitfaced because there’s no way I got this guy for $6. CLBC front office just taking people to the woodshed.
Owen Daniels ($15) – If he didn’t get hurt in 2010 he probably would have gone for $25 or something like that. Any starter in the Houston offense is going to put up numbers.
Kevin Boss ($1) – Oakland is a fucking trainwreck every year but Jason Campbell is a QB who checks down to the TE when he needs to. Solid backup/situation starter for $1.
Giants D/ST ($1) – Um, sure. I may keep you or I may not. Nobody gives a shit.
Adam Vinatieri ($1) – He’s a kicker. If you spend more then $2 combined on your D/ST and kicker spots then you haven’t done the auction draft correctly.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Santa Porn
Imagine you heard that there was a Santa Claus themed porno ('Northern Penetration' would be a solid name). Are you more weirded out by Santa getting busy with the elves or with the reindeer? Voting for both is cheating so you have to pick one. My vote is for elves. Bestiality isn't pleasant but I couldn't handle that big tummy bouncing around on top of little people with pointy shoes. He'd make them leave the shoes on for sure.
Don't even bring up a Santa Claus & Mrs. Claus situation. Two old people with white hair going at it? No thank you.
Santa Porn would be a buster scene but I'd probably watch it online. Keep coming back.
Don't even bring up a Santa Claus & Mrs. Claus situation. Two old people with white hair going at it? No thank you.
Santa Porn would be a buster scene but I'd probably watch it online. Keep coming back.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Alien Visit
What if you were in a field and an alien appeared (I don’t know why you’re in a field, maybe you’re cooking meth). The alien says that he and the rest of his alien friends are approaching earth and are considering making contact with humans. If they do, all of our problems are solved. War, disease, starvation, all of it is ended if the aliens decide to help us. All you have to do, at that moment, is explain why the aliens should help us. What would you say? Why is humanity worth saving?
In all honesty, I’d try to have sex with the alien for a couple reasons. First off, I’d be too nervous to give a good reason to save humanity. I’m thinking right now and the best reason I can come up with is Wendy’s restaurant. Second, I’d be annoyed that my field stuff was being interrupted. I don’t just wander into fields for kicks; I’m busy right now. I can’t think clearly when I’m annoyed.
So that’s my answer, I’d anger fuck the alien and let humanity figure their own shit out. Oh, you think you could have saved the world? Well, I fucked an alien. Top that.
Alien Visit could be buster. Keep coming back.
In all honesty, I’d try to have sex with the alien for a couple reasons. First off, I’d be too nervous to give a good reason to save humanity. I’m thinking right now and the best reason I can come up with is Wendy’s restaurant. Second, I’d be annoyed that my field stuff was being interrupted. I don’t just wander into fields for kicks; I’m busy right now. I can’t think clearly when I’m annoyed.
So that’s my answer, I’d anger fuck the alien and let humanity figure their own shit out. Oh, you think you could have saved the world? Well, I fucked an alien. Top that.
Alien Visit could be buster. Keep coming back.
Rehab Food
How are leftovers handled in a drug rehab clinic? Do you think that the kitchen is locked or is it honor system that everyone just eats their fair share? I don’t trust a house of recovering coke heads to keep their goddamned fingers off of a covered plate with my name on it.
That’s assuming the food would be any good which it may not be. I’m guessing there’s a general “wellness” theme so I’m guessing you’re primarily eating vegetables for snacks. If that’s the case then I can’t ever go to rehab because I'd never make it through a group session. People would open up about their terrible stories of addiction and I’d be trying to call votes on who thought we should go to Applebee’s.
Rehab Food is (most likely) a buster scene. Keep coming back.
That’s assuming the food would be any good which it may not be. I’m guessing there’s a general “wellness” theme so I’m guessing you’re primarily eating vegetables for snacks. If that’s the case then I can’t ever go to rehab because I'd never make it through a group session. People would open up about their terrible stories of addiction and I’d be trying to call votes on who thought we should go to Applebee’s.
Rehab Food is (most likely) a buster scene. Keep coming back.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition
Did you ever know a kid in elementary school who would flip the fuck out at the smallest provocation and throw a tantrum? It was kind of sad because you knew (even when you were young) that you should probably feel bad for this emotionally underdeveloped kid but at the same time it was also funny because shit like that was funny back then.
The kind of people who complain about the Bert & Ernie marriage petition are the adult version of the temper tantrum kid. Some (seemingly) tiny thing sets them on this unexplainable internet comment section rampage and all you can do is sit back and laugh your ass off. And, just like when you were a kid, you want to give these people the benefit of the doubt but the shit they’ve been saying is so horrible that it’s just easier to avoid them completely.
All that being said, I won’t sign the petition and it has nothing to do with two (puppet) males getting married; it’s because I personally think Ernie could do way better then that wet towel named Bert. Can you imagine those two sharing finances? I guarantee Bert’s not letting you order takeout more than once every two weeks. Pain in the ass.
Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition was unbuster news. Keep coming back.
The kind of people who complain about the Bert & Ernie marriage petition are the adult version of the temper tantrum kid. Some (seemingly) tiny thing sets them on this unexplainable internet comment section rampage and all you can do is sit back and laugh your ass off. And, just like when you were a kid, you want to give these people the benefit of the doubt but the shit they’ve been saying is so horrible that it’s just easier to avoid them completely.
All that being said, I won’t sign the petition and it has nothing to do with two (puppet) males getting married; it’s because I personally think Ernie could do way better then that wet towel named Bert. Can you imagine those two sharing finances? I guarantee Bert’s not letting you order takeout more than once every two weeks. Pain in the ass.
Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition was unbuster news. Keep coming back.
Ugly Racists
I was thinking about it this morning and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen an attractive racist person. I’m not trying to make some fancy statement like “a person’s personality can be their most attractive feature” because that’s stupid. Kate Upton could walk around screaming terrible things about Asians and guys would still Google her name 10 times a day hoping for nip slips. Leonardo Dicaprio could club baby seals for fun and bang Blake Lively at the same time. Your personality can get a pass in a lot of situations if your face brings the heat.
If you go to YouTube and type “I hate (any race here)” you’re going to see a much higher percentage of misshapen heads and eyes that are too far apart then you’re going to see on the street. I’m guessing that less then 5% of the US population has a forehead that is way too goddamn big (I’m a member of this group; legit five head) but if you based your data ONLY on people doing YouTube rants you’d probably think the number was closer to 30% - 40%. You’d assume that everyone was eating lead paint when they were children.
I’m guessing the reason that most racists are unattractive is because they have a lot of time to worry about that shit. Hot girls don’t have time to think about how minorities are ruining the country; they have to go pick up their hot friends and go get drunk on a yacht all day. Attractive guys don’t want to sit in bunkers and worry about immigrants not learning English; they’re pre-gaming before they head to the bar where they’re going to flirt with girls. All the attractive people think that life is pretty good so why would they dislike any particular race? The only people that have time to work on their crazy are the ones that have an empty dance card. Everyone else is busy.
Ugly Racists are buster. Keep coming back.
If you go to YouTube and type “I hate (any race here)” you’re going to see a much higher percentage of misshapen heads and eyes that are too far apart then you’re going to see on the street. I’m guessing that less then 5% of the US population has a forehead that is way too goddamn big (I’m a member of this group; legit five head) but if you based your data ONLY on people doing YouTube rants you’d probably think the number was closer to 30% - 40%. You’d assume that everyone was eating lead paint when they were children.
I’m guessing the reason that most racists are unattractive is because they have a lot of time to worry about that shit. Hot girls don’t have time to think about how minorities are ruining the country; they have to go pick up their hot friends and go get drunk on a yacht all day. Attractive guys don’t want to sit in bunkers and worry about immigrants not learning English; they’re pre-gaming before they head to the bar where they’re going to flirt with girls. All the attractive people think that life is pretty good so why would they dislike any particular race? The only people that have time to work on their crazy are the ones that have an empty dance card. Everyone else is busy.
Ugly Racists are buster. Keep coming back.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Newsweek Crazy Eyes
You’re just going to roll with a crazy eyeball picture on the cover of Newsweek? Buster ass move. What are you doing? Does Michelle Bachmann have a PR person? How the hell does anyone sign off on this picture going coast to coast? Forget about voting for this lady; I don’t even want to make eye contact with here when I’m on the train. "Oh, you're cat's sick? Great. Thanks for telling me." No thank you.
Is this move on purpose? Is she just putting it out there that she’s goddamned crazy and that’s exactly what Washington needs right now? “Lets make Washington creepy! Bachmann 2012!”
If this next election is decided by staring contests then it’s already over. Even Barrackstar couldn’t handle the crazy that these eyes are bringing.
Newsweek Crazy Eyes is a buster scene. Keep coming back.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Bears Free Agent Releases
I won't mention every scrub that was let go but these are the household names that have left the team this offseason.
Greg Olsen – It sucks to see a guy as good as Olsen leave for only a 3rd rounder but that’s the best Chicago was going to get. Olsen was in the final year of his rookie contract and there’s no way he would have re-signed here to be the blocking TE that Martz wanted (there’s no guarantee that Chicago would even offer him a new contract). Based on what he’s done up to this point in his career, there would have been plenty of options for Olsen as a free agent next season so the Bears traded him for a 3rd rounder this year as opposed to letting him walk for nothing after his contract expired.
Olin Kreutz – This one is kind of a head scratcher not because Kreutz is irreplaceable (a 34 year old on the worst line in the NFL is far from irreplaceable) but because of the shortened off-season. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to keep Kreutz and put the new guy at guard (a position he’s played) in front of Chris Williams? That would have allowed some continuity/improvement on the line this year while having a clear plan moving forward but I guess that’s not how Jerry Angelo rolls. It’s going to be weird not seeing #57 every week and I think he’s still got a little in the tank but people who act like this ends the season are over-reacting a little bit.
Daniel Manning – Manning was always a guy who never had a spot as he seemingly bounced between SS and FS every other year until settling in at FS alongside Chris Harris last season. I think the writing was on the wall when Major Wright was drafted and I’m sure the Texans (whose secondary was fucking atrocious last year) valued Manning much higher then the Bears did. I’ll miss Manning’s return skills but I think Major Wright is a more natural FS and has higher upside at that position then Manning ever did.
Rashied Davis – A good “team guy” who just couldn’t do enough different things to stay on the field. A short receiver who was quicker then he was fast, he was expendable based on the the presence of Hester and Knox on the roster. He’ll be missed on special teams and could definitely be a 3rd or 4th option in Detroit.
Devin Aromashadu – I don’t know what this guy did (or didn’t do) to get himself glued to the bench but I think it was clear he was never on the same page as Mike Martz. Aromashadu provided Cutler with the big target that nobody else on the team could and when he was on the field good things typically happened.I was kind of hoping that everything would click this offseason so we could see what he could do as a starter but I guess that's not in the cards. I’ll be interested to see what he does in Minnesota where he should get a decent shot at playing time.
Bears Free Agent Releases were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.
Greg Olsen – It sucks to see a guy as good as Olsen leave for only a 3rd rounder but that’s the best Chicago was going to get. Olsen was in the final year of his rookie contract and there’s no way he would have re-signed here to be the blocking TE that Martz wanted (there’s no guarantee that Chicago would even offer him a new contract). Based on what he’s done up to this point in his career, there would have been plenty of options for Olsen as a free agent next season so the Bears traded him for a 3rd rounder this year as opposed to letting him walk for nothing after his contract expired.
Olin Kreutz – This one is kind of a head scratcher not because Kreutz is irreplaceable (a 34 year old on the worst line in the NFL is far from irreplaceable) but because of the shortened off-season. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to keep Kreutz and put the new guy at guard (a position he’s played) in front of Chris Williams? That would have allowed some continuity/improvement on the line this year while having a clear plan moving forward but I guess that’s not how Jerry Angelo rolls. It’s going to be weird not seeing #57 every week and I think he’s still got a little in the tank but people who act like this ends the season are over-reacting a little bit.
Daniel Manning – Manning was always a guy who never had a spot as he seemingly bounced between SS and FS every other year until settling in at FS alongside Chris Harris last season. I think the writing was on the wall when Major Wright was drafted and I’m sure the Texans (whose secondary was fucking atrocious last year) valued Manning much higher then the Bears did. I’ll miss Manning’s return skills but I think Major Wright is a more natural FS and has higher upside at that position then Manning ever did.
Rashied Davis – A good “team guy” who just couldn’t do enough different things to stay on the field. A short receiver who was quicker then he was fast, he was expendable based on the the presence of Hester and Knox on the roster. He’ll be missed on special teams and could definitely be a 3rd or 4th option in Detroit.
Devin Aromashadu – I don’t know what this guy did (or didn’t do) to get himself glued to the bench but I think it was clear he was never on the same page as Mike Martz. Aromashadu provided Cutler with the big target that nobody else on the team could and when he was on the field good things typically happened.I was kind of hoping that everything would click this offseason so we could see what he could do as a starter but I guess that's not in the cards. I’ll be interested to see what he does in Minnesota where he should get a decent shot at playing time.
Bears Free Agent Releases were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Bears Free Agent Re-Signings
A quick re-cap of the Bears (those that actually matter) who got new contracts this summer.
Anthony Adams – This guy is solid against the run and keeps guards/centers from getting onto Urlacher every play. Toeaina, Melton, and (hopefully) Paea are all decent DT’s but Adams is by far the best at being a large person in the middle of the line who gobbles people up. A 2 year deal for a 30 year old consistent DT isn’t a bad move.
Caleb Hanie – I still hold a grudge against Mike Martz for putting this guy behind Todd Collins last season. Hanie has shown both in the pre-season and the NFC title game that he can move the offense when given the chance and that's all you can ask for from a #2. He may never crack the starting lineup but he’s at least a guy you keep around as an insurance policy. I’d really like the Bears to lock him up for 3 years but I get the feeling he doesn’t get any love from our current OC.
Corey Graham – He may not do a ton on defense except for showing up in the occasional nickel/dime package but he made the Pro Bowl for special teams last season. If you’re going to allow teams to drive 40 yards by giving up short stuff underneath all day (which the Bears will continue to do) then your special teams need to pin people in bad spots. This guy is part of that.
Brian Iwuh – See Corey Graham except with a little more game experience. Good guy to keep around but he probably won’t break the starting lineup unless there’s an injury.
Desmond Clark – Doesn’t exactly fit the “blocking TE” mold that Martz covets and may not even be the best receiver on the TE based on what Kellen Davis has done the past few years. Still, he's a good player that provides experience and probably wasn't too expensive to re-sign.
Khalil Bell – Kind of a head scratcher. With Forte, Barber, and Taylor in front of him he may not even suit up on game day. He’s depth, I guess.
Bears Free Agent Re-Signings were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.
Anthony Adams – This guy is solid against the run and keeps guards/centers from getting onto Urlacher every play. Toeaina, Melton, and (hopefully) Paea are all decent DT’s but Adams is by far the best at being a large person in the middle of the line who gobbles people up. A 2 year deal for a 30 year old consistent DT isn’t a bad move.
Caleb Hanie – I still hold a grudge against Mike Martz for putting this guy behind Todd Collins last season. Hanie has shown both in the pre-season and the NFC title game that he can move the offense when given the chance and that's all you can ask for from a #2. He may never crack the starting lineup but he’s at least a guy you keep around as an insurance policy. I’d really like the Bears to lock him up for 3 years but I get the feeling he doesn’t get any love from our current OC.
Corey Graham – He may not do a ton on defense except for showing up in the occasional nickel/dime package but he made the Pro Bowl for special teams last season. If you’re going to allow teams to drive 40 yards by giving up short stuff underneath all day (which the Bears will continue to do) then your special teams need to pin people in bad spots. This guy is part of that.
Brian Iwuh – See Corey Graham except with a little more game experience. Good guy to keep around but he probably won’t break the starting lineup unless there’s an injury.
Desmond Clark – Doesn’t exactly fit the “blocking TE” mold that Martz covets and may not even be the best receiver on the TE based on what Kellen Davis has done the past few years. Still, he's a good player that provides experience and probably wasn't too expensive to re-sign.
Khalil Bell – Kind of a head scratcher. With Forte, Barber, and Taylor in front of him he may not even suit up on game day. He’s depth, I guess.
Bears Free Agent Re-Signings were unbuster Bears news. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Bears Free Agent Signings
Roy Williams – While I HATE the fact the he does the first down signal ever time he converts (I hope someone tells him to cut that shit out but I doubt Lovie has the stones to do it) he’s a big WR that gives the team something they didn’t have last year. I’d prefer Mike Sims-Walker because he’s younger and has more upside but a 1 year deal with $2 million base salary for a player like Williams is a good move. Grade: B+ that could become an A+ if this guy puts up numbers like he did in Detroit when Martz ran that offense.
Sam Hurd – This guy is basically a taller version of Rashied Davis (special team ace with few offensive looks) who was brought in as his replacement after Davis went to the Lions. I don’t think it’s a bad move; it’s just meh unless this guy really contributes to the offense or makes the Pro Bowl on special teams. Grade: C
Marion Barber – The Bears didn’t have a short yardage back last year. Chester Taylor can do a number of things but he probably shouldn’t be going off tackle on 3rd & 2. Barber fits a role and while he may poach a few goal line carries from Forte he probably won’t have more than 6 or 7 carries a game. Once again, a piece the Bears didn’t have last year. Grade: B- because he gets dinged up and is one dimensional.
Vernon Gholston – One of the biggest busts in recent NFL history, this guy was a combine stud who barely registered on the field and has nothing but upside. I can’t imagine the Bears gave this guy a lot of cash so if he absolutely sucks then you can just cut him next season. If he does ANYTHING, however, then you have to give Angelo and Rod Marinelli some props. Grade: Incomplete, ranging from B- if he doesn’t even suit up on game days to A+ if he has 28 sacks this year.
Amobi Okoye - Considering where he was drafted (10th overall), he's considered a bust since he's totalled 11 sacks in 4 seasons. That being said, he's had a better career then Vernon Gholston who's registerd a total of 42 tackles over 3 seasons. This guy is probably cheap and he's only 24 years old (he was 19 when he was drafted) so, once again, there's really nothing but upside. I'd figure that this guy breaks into the rotation before Gholston and hopefully continues to improve under Marinelli. Grade: Incomplete for the same reasons as Gholston.
Matt Spaeth – This guy is basically a replacement for Brandon Manumaleuna, who looked like a turnstile more than once last season. It’s hard to get pumped about a blocking TE but if that’s what the team needs to go four wide then I’m on board with it. Grade: B-
Chris Spencer - Olin Kreutz was 34 years old and didn't have a lot more tread on the tires. This guy is 5 years younger and has been a 16 game starter (when healthy) since his rookie season so it's clear he can play. Some people are bitching because he's more of a "technical guy" instead of a "hard nosed" player like Kreutz. A lot of people who use terms like that have never played football at any level; I personally don't care how hard your nose is if you can play ball and it's very clear that NOBODY who started on the offensive line last year is irreplaceable. I wonder why Chicago couldn't sign both players this year (with the of intent starting Spencer at guard and sliding him over after Kreutz retired) but this isn't a bad pick up. Grade: B because he's not an elite center but he should be a decent starter for 3-4 years.
Adam Podlesh – He’s a punter. Maynard’s numbers were brutal last year and it seems there was a little heat between him and Dave Toub when he left. Hopefully this new guy can put a little more leg on the ball. Grade: B-
Bears Free Agent Signings were unbuster Bear news. Keep coming back.
Sam Hurd – This guy is basically a taller version of Rashied Davis (special team ace with few offensive looks) who was brought in as his replacement after Davis went to the Lions. I don’t think it’s a bad move; it’s just meh unless this guy really contributes to the offense or makes the Pro Bowl on special teams. Grade: C
Marion Barber – The Bears didn’t have a short yardage back last year. Chester Taylor can do a number of things but he probably shouldn’t be going off tackle on 3rd & 2. Barber fits a role and while he may poach a few goal line carries from Forte he probably won’t have more than 6 or 7 carries a game. Once again, a piece the Bears didn’t have last year. Grade: B- because he gets dinged up and is one dimensional.
Vernon Gholston – One of the biggest busts in recent NFL history, this guy was a combine stud who barely registered on the field and has nothing but upside. I can’t imagine the Bears gave this guy a lot of cash so if he absolutely sucks then you can just cut him next season. If he does ANYTHING, however, then you have to give Angelo and Rod Marinelli some props. Grade: Incomplete, ranging from B- if he doesn’t even suit up on game days to A+ if he has 28 sacks this year.
Amobi Okoye - Considering where he was drafted (10th overall), he's considered a bust since he's totalled 11 sacks in 4 seasons. That being said, he's had a better career then Vernon Gholston who's registerd a total of 42 tackles over 3 seasons. This guy is probably cheap and he's only 24 years old (he was 19 when he was drafted) so, once again, there's really nothing but upside. I'd figure that this guy breaks into the rotation before Gholston and hopefully continues to improve under Marinelli. Grade: Incomplete for the same reasons as Gholston.
Matt Spaeth – This guy is basically a replacement for Brandon Manumaleuna, who looked like a turnstile more than once last season. It’s hard to get pumped about a blocking TE but if that’s what the team needs to go four wide then I’m on board with it. Grade: B-
Chris Spencer - Olin Kreutz was 34 years old and didn't have a lot more tread on the tires. This guy is 5 years younger and has been a 16 game starter (when healthy) since his rookie season so it's clear he can play. Some people are bitching because he's more of a "technical guy" instead of a "hard nosed" player like Kreutz. A lot of people who use terms like that have never played football at any level; I personally don't care how hard your nose is if you can play ball and it's very clear that NOBODY who started on the offensive line last year is irreplaceable. I wonder why Chicago couldn't sign both players this year (with the of intent starting Spencer at guard and sliding him over after Kreutz retired) but this isn't a bad pick up. Grade: B because he's not an elite center but he should be a decent starter for 3-4 years.
Adam Podlesh – He’s a punter. Maynard’s numbers were brutal last year and it seems there was a little heat between him and Dave Toub when he left. Hopefully this new guy can put a little more leg on the ball. Grade: B-
Bears Free Agent Signings were unbuster Bear news. Keep coming back.
J&S Nuptials (part 3)
Continue from part 2
-This is an awesome venue. Open bar in a silo? Yup, open bar in a silo. Deal with it.
-Appetizers before dinner. I certainly didn’t need 10 wings but damn these things were hot fire. If I wasn’t so concerned about pooping at a wedding I’d have put down 40.
-Great set of speeches by everyone. Humor + memories of youth + fellas tearing up = wonderful wedding moments. Well done.
-Dinner time. HOLY SHIT! There’s jalapeño in the mac & cheese. Did you know that? I’ve never seen that before! Do I have any brisket on my face? Yea? Fuck it; have you tried the cornbread?
-I’m so full. Just two more scoops of mac & cheese. And some chicken. And cornbread.
-First dance as a married couple. This is always kinda sweet. Wait, what’s that? Persian music? Something’s happening. Uh oh, that’s fancy Persian lingerie. Persian house music dance party? PERSIAN HOUSE MUSIC DANCE PARTY!
-Father of the bride is just shredding the dance floor right now and gives grandma the Persian lingerie. Grandma decides to just chill with it; grandma’s not getting up.
-I’ve basically walked through a wrinkle in the time-space continuum and landed in Iran because there are just cousins and aunts and uncles rolling shoulders in ways I’ve never seen. I don’t even know if my bone structure will allow me to replicate some of the dance moves I’m seeing.
-Drinks and drinks and dancing and drinks. Katy Perry to Persian house music to Journey. Bud Lights flowing. Lovin it.
-Take a picture with a word bubble written in Farsi? Sure, what’s it say? Doesn’t matter, I don’t know what the hell an “energy kiss” is either and I took a photo with that one.
-Don’t trouble yourself, boss, I’ll just fill up my own cup off the keg.
-Oh, Cee Lo’s playing. I like this song. Hahaha, no they don’t want me to do the butt dance at their wedding.
-Bride and Groom WANT me to do the dance? Whatever, your wedding FIVESIXSEVENEIGHTBUTTBUTTBUTTTIMECAPSULETIMECAPSULE!
-People missed the first butt dance? Alright, I’ll do it a second time but my hearts not in it 100%. I feel dirty.
-Party’s over; clean up time. I probably shouldn’t be climbing along the wall in my condition but these streamers are coming down NOW.
-Gotta unload the car at the hotel. Wow, that’s a lot of leftover desserts.
-Karma Lounge! Buster ass bartender working again. Maybe she’s in a better mood tonight?
-Nope. She still stinks. Crack a smile, lady.
-Things get fuzzy after this but afterhours, vomit, and pizza all made an appearance.
-3:30 AM bedtime. Great wedding. Tomorrow is going to suck ass.
J&S Nuptials (part 3) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
-This is an awesome venue. Open bar in a silo? Yup, open bar in a silo. Deal with it.
-Appetizers before dinner. I certainly didn’t need 10 wings but damn these things were hot fire. If I wasn’t so concerned about pooping at a wedding I’d have put down 40.
-Great set of speeches by everyone. Humor + memories of youth + fellas tearing up = wonderful wedding moments. Well done.
-Dinner time. HOLY SHIT! There’s jalapeño in the mac & cheese. Did you know that? I’ve never seen that before! Do I have any brisket on my face? Yea? Fuck it; have you tried the cornbread?
-I’m so full. Just two more scoops of mac & cheese. And some chicken. And cornbread.
-First dance as a married couple. This is always kinda sweet. Wait, what’s that? Persian music? Something’s happening. Uh oh, that’s fancy Persian lingerie. Persian house music dance party? PERSIAN HOUSE MUSIC DANCE PARTY!
-Father of the bride is just shredding the dance floor right now and gives grandma the Persian lingerie. Grandma decides to just chill with it; grandma’s not getting up.
-I’ve basically walked through a wrinkle in the time-space continuum and landed in Iran because there are just cousins and aunts and uncles rolling shoulders in ways I’ve never seen. I don’t even know if my bone structure will allow me to replicate some of the dance moves I’m seeing.
-Drinks and drinks and dancing and drinks. Katy Perry to Persian house music to Journey. Bud Lights flowing. Lovin it.
-Take a picture with a word bubble written in Farsi? Sure, what’s it say? Doesn’t matter, I don’t know what the hell an “energy kiss” is either and I took a photo with that one.
-Don’t trouble yourself, boss, I’ll just fill up my own cup off the keg.
-Oh, Cee Lo’s playing. I like this song. Hahaha, no they don’t want me to do the butt dance at their wedding.
-Bride and Groom WANT me to do the dance? Whatever, your wedding FIVESIXSEVENEIGHTBUTTBUTTBUTTTIMECAPSULETIMECAPSULE!
-People missed the first butt dance? Alright, I’ll do it a second time but my hearts not in it 100%. I feel dirty.
-Party’s over; clean up time. I probably shouldn’t be climbing along the wall in my condition but these streamers are coming down NOW.
-Gotta unload the car at the hotel. Wow, that’s a lot of leftover desserts.
-Karma Lounge! Buster ass bartender working again. Maybe she’s in a better mood tonight?
-Nope. She still stinks. Crack a smile, lady.
-Things get fuzzy after this but afterhours, vomit, and pizza all made an appearance.
-3:30 AM bedtime. Great wedding. Tomorrow is going to suck ass.
J&S Nuptials (part 3) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
J&S Nuptials (part 2)
Continued from part 1.
-Good morning, girlfriend. You’re going to get out of bed and start helping set up? I’m thinking more along the lines of me laying here like a turd until 11 or so.
-Hello, internet, what’s new today. Olin Kreutz is leaving Chicago? But we don’t have another center on the roster; what gives? Is Jerry Angelo about to fuck up a perfectly good wedding with his buster ass roster moves? I think he is.
-Lunch with L and some more of Muscatine’s finest. Probably nothing on the menu but Heinz Ketchup. Get it? LOL.
-I’m not big on bashing the suburbs because that’s where I grew up but goddamn this search for a restaurant. Take one wrong turn and you’re just driving for 10 miles past nothing but hotels and business parks. Where do you people eat food!
-Walker Pancake House. Sure, they’ll serve you a bloody mary.
-Haha, no, they certainly will not. It’s apparently IHOP with less American flag t-shirts among the clientele. My apologies.
-Everyone else had a hard time finishing their meal? Uh, me to. Nevermind that I’ve got syrup in my beard from licking my plate.
-Back to the hotel for a little rest and getting ready. Girlfriend visits and tells me that she’s heard I was the drunkest person at the bar last night. Snitching is buster as it gets.
-This outfit is a certified dick wrecker. I even trimmed the neck beard; going all out tonight.
-Shuttle to the barn driven by an old dude who’s gonna HATE everyone when we ride back later on tonight.
-Outside wedding. Bride's side is in the sun. Tough break.
-Groom looks a little bit Amish and is absolutely dick wrecking with the suspenders.
-Girlfriend looks great.
-Bride looks stunning.
-I realize that “stunning” > “great” but it’s alright for Girlfriend to be #2 hottie at someone’s wedding, right? I’ll find out when she eventually reads this, I bet.
-Father of the bride is walking out with rolled up suit sleeves. J can’t believe how boss that move is. I can’t believe how well J put it; “boss move” is the only way to describe what I’m seeing walking down the aisle.
-Great readings by the siblings. Ever gone to a wedding and then thought about how little the human species matters given the size of the universe? I have.
-Great promises between the bride and groom. Quirky and clearly tailored to each other but now I’m left wondering what a “Science Friday” consists of. Reading about photosynthesis while doing shots? Is it just a screening of ‘Tron?’ Explain this to me.
-I’ve also learned that people are still having slumber parties. Are people building pillow forts and not telling me? Buster ass move.
-End of the ceremony, ripped through that thing.
J&S Nuptials (part 2) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
-Good morning, girlfriend. You’re going to get out of bed and start helping set up? I’m thinking more along the lines of me laying here like a turd until 11 or so.
-Hello, internet, what’s new today. Olin Kreutz is leaving Chicago? But we don’t have another center on the roster; what gives? Is Jerry Angelo about to fuck up a perfectly good wedding with his buster ass roster moves? I think he is.
-Lunch with L and some more of Muscatine’s finest. Probably nothing on the menu but Heinz Ketchup. Get it? LOL.
-I’m not big on bashing the suburbs because that’s where I grew up but goddamn this search for a restaurant. Take one wrong turn and you’re just driving for 10 miles past nothing but hotels and business parks. Where do you people eat food!
-Walker Pancake House. Sure, they’ll serve you a bloody mary.
-Haha, no, they certainly will not. It’s apparently IHOP with less American flag t-shirts among the clientele. My apologies.
-Everyone else had a hard time finishing their meal? Uh, me to. Nevermind that I’ve got syrup in my beard from licking my plate.
-Back to the hotel for a little rest and getting ready. Girlfriend visits and tells me that she’s heard I was the drunkest person at the bar last night. Snitching is buster as it gets.
-This outfit is a certified dick wrecker. I even trimmed the neck beard; going all out tonight.
-Shuttle to the barn driven by an old dude who’s gonna HATE everyone when we ride back later on tonight.
-Outside wedding. Bride's side is in the sun. Tough break.
-Groom looks a little bit Amish and is absolutely dick wrecking with the suspenders.
-Girlfriend looks great.
-Bride looks stunning.
-I realize that “stunning” > “great” but it’s alright for Girlfriend to be #2 hottie at someone’s wedding, right? I’ll find out when she eventually reads this, I bet.
-Father of the bride is walking out with rolled up suit sleeves. J can’t believe how boss that move is. I can’t believe how well J put it; “boss move” is the only way to describe what I’m seeing walking down the aisle.
-Great readings by the siblings. Ever gone to a wedding and then thought about how little the human species matters given the size of the universe? I have.
-Great promises between the bride and groom. Quirky and clearly tailored to each other but now I’m left wondering what a “Science Friday” consists of. Reading about photosynthesis while doing shots? Is it just a screening of ‘Tron?’ Explain this to me.
-I’ve also learned that people are still having slumber parties. Are people building pillow forts and not telling me? Buster ass move.
-End of the ceremony, ripped through that thing.
J&S Nuptials (part 2) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
J&S Nuptials (part 1)
About as unbuster an event as you're going to find. It didn't even feel like a wedding at times; more like a multicultural rave with open bar and bbq buffet. Butt dances and jalapeno mac & cheese all over the place.
-Take Friday off so we can get out in time for the rehearsal dinner. I typically use my PTO time in order to watch Law & Order reruns/stare at the fish tank so it’s nice that I can use it for a useful cause.
-Can't go anywhere in the city without getting harassed by a weirdo on the train. What are you shaking at me, sir? A box of cereal? Terrific. Can I please go on with my day without worrying about you stabbing me? Wonderful.
-Woah, this is a Jeep and I booked an economy car. Same rate? Free upgrade? I wish I had a camera so I could scrapbook this moment.
-Listen, Mapquest, what you do makes sense. You give the absolute SHORTEST route out to the burbs. But do you really think I want to drive 10 miles through the city instead of heading straight to 94? Rolling past the Dress Barn at 15 mph? Buster situation. I smell nothing but Chinese food; what part of the city am I in right now?
-Double Tree Hotel just bringing high heat with these cookies. How do they keep them warm at the desk?
-Unpack and visit the groom. That's a lot of flowers, boss.
-Rehearsal dinner. I’m about to +1 this place up the butt.
-Pizza and beers and beers and lasagna and pizza and beers and beers. I can't drive.
-Ground floor party! Getting drunk with toddlers walking around is a change of pace.
-Nice to meet you! What's your name? I already forgot; let’s go to the bar!
-Karma Lounge is closed and this bartender seems buster as hell. Take it easy, sister.
-There's an Irish pub about a mile away? I've already started walking; see you there in an hour.
-Never mind, we'll just pack 12 people into this van cab. What does it cost? Whatever we want? That’s not correct; is that how business works in the suburbs?
-LOCALS! These guys are eye banging me so hard that I think they owe me a dinner or something.
-L just grabs a tambourine and gets after it with the house band. Only girls can pull that move; a fella would catch a boot to the teeth.
-Inhaling cigars. Buster situation for the lungs.
-Who bought me a car bomb? Is it on the house? I’ll pretend it’s on the house. Watch me sip the Bailey's and drink the Guiness like a normal beer. Don't judge.
-Last call. I hope I don’t pee the bed.
J&S Nuptials (part 1) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
-Take Friday off so we can get out in time for the rehearsal dinner. I typically use my PTO time in order to watch Law & Order reruns/stare at the fish tank so it’s nice that I can use it for a useful cause.
-Can't go anywhere in the city without getting harassed by a weirdo on the train. What are you shaking at me, sir? A box of cereal? Terrific. Can I please go on with my day without worrying about you stabbing me? Wonderful.
-Woah, this is a Jeep and I booked an economy car. Same rate? Free upgrade? I wish I had a camera so I could scrapbook this moment.
-Listen, Mapquest, what you do makes sense. You give the absolute SHORTEST route out to the burbs. But do you really think I want to drive 10 miles through the city instead of heading straight to 94? Rolling past the Dress Barn at 15 mph? Buster situation. I smell nothing but Chinese food; what part of the city am I in right now?
-Double Tree Hotel just bringing high heat with these cookies. How do they keep them warm at the desk?
-Unpack and visit the groom. That's a lot of flowers, boss.
-Rehearsal dinner. I’m about to +1 this place up the butt.
-Pizza and beers and beers and lasagna and pizza and beers and beers. I can't drive.
-Ground floor party! Getting drunk with toddlers walking around is a change of pace.
-Nice to meet you! What's your name? I already forgot; let’s go to the bar!
-Karma Lounge is closed and this bartender seems buster as hell. Take it easy, sister.
-There's an Irish pub about a mile away? I've already started walking; see you there in an hour.
-Never mind, we'll just pack 12 people into this van cab. What does it cost? Whatever we want? That’s not correct; is that how business works in the suburbs?
-LOCALS! These guys are eye banging me so hard that I think they owe me a dinner or something.
-L just grabs a tambourine and gets after it with the house band. Only girls can pull that move; a fella would catch a boot to the teeth.
-Inhaling cigars. Buster situation for the lungs.
-Who bought me a car bomb? Is it on the house? I’ll pretend it’s on the house. Watch me sip the Bailey's and drink the Guiness like a normal beer. Don't judge.
-Last call. I hope I don’t pee the bed.
J&S Nuptials (part 1) was unbuster. Keep coming back.
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