I tried to make my own beer yesterday. Here’s a brief rundown of how you do it:
-Read directions. Start worrying that you don’t have all of the necessary equipment to make beer without making a giant fucking mess. Get angry about the mess that’s been made before you even make said mess.
-Sanitize everything. Notice that there are a million warnings on the sanitizer packet about not getting it onto your skin/eyes. Ignore them because the plastic gloves you own are too small for your hands.
-Boil 2 quarts of water. Prior to that, Google how many cups are in 2 quarts (the answer is 8). Use your 1 cup measuring device to measure out the 8 cups. You will be annoyed at this process and will write “bigger measuring cup” on the chalkboard.
-Briefly think: “Well, when I add the grain to this water it may overflow. I should use a bigger pot, probably.” Ignore this, as you’re just over thinking the process.
-Add the grain. Watch the pot come close to overflowing immediately. Scream “fucking asshole” at the intimate objects in the room. Transfer the grain/hot water to the larger pot on the stove.
-Try to keep the water heated to about 144 degrees – 152 degrees for an hour. Make sure you check the heat every 3 minutes because this entire process is making you incredibly anxious.
-Heat another 2 quarts (8 cups of water) to 170 degrees in a 2nd pot. It’s supposed to be 4 quarts, but you’re already using your biggest pot to cook the grain. Write “big pot” on the chalkboard.
-Pour hot grain/water mixture through a strainer into a 3rd pot. Surprise yourself at the lack of a mess.
-Pour 2 quarts of water through hot grain in strainer and let it collect at the bottom of the 3rd pot. Immediately start heating up 2 more quarts of water and add them when heated.
-Read that you’re supposed to cycle all of the water through the grain a 2nd time. Come up with a plan on how to do this without making a mess.
-Try to carry out your plan. Make giant mess immediately with GODDAMNED BURNS ON THE CLEAN FUCKING STOVE. FUCK THIS, SKIP THIS STEP.
-Bring liquid that’s left to gentle boil. Allow it to boil for 1 hour, adding hops at different times. Try to follow directions on when to add hops but only do a B-/C+ job at it.
-After an hour, take the liquid off the boil and put it into an ice bath. Use all of the ice you have in the house because this is the most important thing in the world.
-See that the liquid still has gotten down to 70 degrees like the directions say. Decide, fuck it, 80 degrees is close enough.
-Using the brand new strainer and funnel you bought for this project, try to pour the liquid into the glass bottle. Immediately lose half the liquid you’ve been working on for 2 hours. Throw away the shitty funnel because fuck that thing and fuck Target for only having one shitty funnel. Keep the strainer because you can use that for something else, maybe. Write “funnel” and “strainer” on the chalkboard.
-Fill the rest of the bottle up with water even though that’s probably not correct.
Whatever, you’re getting a gallon of something and who gives a shit if it’s poison water you’re drinking all of it.
-Add yeast and shake the glass bottle.
-Use the rest of the sanitizer to fill a bowl with sanitized water. Stick one end of a rubber tube into the glass bottle and the other end into the sanitized bowl. Usually you would try to figure out the science behind this step but fuck it you’re tired. Just do it.
-Read directions again. See that you shouldn’t have used all of the sanitizer. Write “sanitizer” on the chalk board.
-Store bottle and bowl of sanitizer in the cupboard.
Check back in 2 weeks for an episode in bottling.
