DRAFT!

Hat tip to the commish for a solid draft experience once my computer pulled it's head out of it's ass. If I get to my desk at 8 and need to take a deuce by 8:10 I know that I had a great time the night before.

Rashard Mendenhall ($35) – Good keeper because he smashes faces and would have been at least $10 more if he hit the open market. More red zone carries for this guy, Mr. Tomlin.

Steven Jackson ($46) – This guy can smash faces or burn people and his numbers are on the way up now that St. Louis has a QB with a pulse. The Rams offense is getting sneaky good.

Ray Rice ($69) – Did the CLBC just throw $150 down to make the most fearsome RB stable in the league? Looks like it. When this deal was finalized I’m pretty sure 2 teams left the draft room to change their underpants.

Roy Helu ($1) – Mike Shanahan can get 1,200 yards from anyone who isn’t in a wheelchair and the Ryan Torrain/Tim Hightower backfield doesn't make any defensive coordinator nervous. Helu starts stealing carries by week 3 and is the full time starter by week 5. Big time upside.

Steve Johnson ($1) – My second keeper who’s going to get 12 – 15 targets a game from Fitzpatrick. It’s very possible that this guy gets doubled and is still the best option on passing downs because the WR group in Buffalo is a fart.

Danario Alexander ($7) – Who? Just a giant who’s coming off an injury on a team with no standout WR’s. Sleeper special.

Jordy Nelson ($7) – White slot guy. White slot guys get points for cheap in PPR leagues.

Kevin Walter ($1) – See above.

Nate Burleson ($1) – With everyone watching Calvin Johnson this dude will run free underneath and stack up yards even though trips to the endzone will be rare.

Arrelious Benn ($1) – Big time sleeper special coming off an injury/inconsistent rookie year. Josh Freeman is a good QB who needs targets and I’m guessing the former 2nd round pick shows up this season. No risk and high reward.

Jay Cutler ($9) – Dude just showed up in great shape with the best mechanics of his life and is ready to murder people for 35 a game in the Martz offense. I’m pretty sure he dumped Cavalari because she was interfering with his playbook study time. No shit.

Eli Manning ($6) – Hahahaha. I’ve slammed 7 beers in 2 hours and it’s everyone else who’s acting shitfaced because there’s no way I got this guy for $6. CLBC front office just taking people to the woodshed.

Owen Daniels ($15) – If he didn’t get hurt in 2010 he probably would have gone for $25 or something like that. Any starter in the Houston offense is going to put up numbers.

Kevin Boss ($1) – Oakland is a fucking trainwreck every year but Jason Campbell is a QB who checks down to the TE when he needs to. Solid backup/situation starter for $1.

Giants D/ST ($1) – Um, sure. I may keep you or I may not. Nobody gives a shit.

Adam Vinatieri ($1) – He’s a kicker. If you spend more then $2 combined on your D/ST and kicker spots then you haven’t done the auction draft correctly.

Santa Porn

Imagine you heard that there was a Santa Claus themed porno ('Northern Penetration' would be a solid name). Are you more weirded out by Santa getting busy with the elves or with the reindeer? Voting for both is cheating so you have to pick one. My vote is for elves. Bestiality isn't pleasant but I couldn't handle that big tummy bouncing around on top of little people with pointy shoes. He'd make them leave the shoes on for sure.

Don't even bring up a Santa Claus & Mrs. Claus situation. Two old people with white hair going at it? No thank you.

Santa Porn would be a buster scene but I'd probably watch it online. Keep coming back.

Alien Visit

What if you were in a field and an alien appeared (I don’t know why you’re in a field, maybe you’re cooking meth). The alien says that he and the rest of his alien friends are approaching earth and are considering making contact with humans. If they do, all of our problems are solved. War, disease, starvation, all of it is ended if the aliens decide to help us. All you have to do, at that moment, is explain why the aliens should help us. What would you say? Why is humanity worth saving?

In all honesty, I’d try to have sex with the alien for a couple reasons. First off, I’d be too nervous to give a good reason to save humanity. I’m thinking right now and the best reason I can come up with is Wendy’s restaurant. Second, I’d be annoyed that my field stuff was being interrupted. I don’t just wander into fields for kicks; I’m busy right now. I can’t think clearly when I’m annoyed.

So that’s my answer, I’d anger fuck the alien and let humanity figure their own shit out. Oh, you think you could have saved the world? Well, I fucked an alien. Top that.

Alien Visit could be buster. Keep coming back.

Rehab Food

How are leftovers handled in a drug rehab clinic? Do you think that the kitchen is locked or is it honor system that everyone just eats their fair share? I don’t trust a house of recovering coke heads to keep their goddamned fingers off of a covered plate with my name on it.

That’s assuming the food would be any good which it may not be. I’m guessing there’s a general “wellness” theme so I’m guessing you’re primarily eating vegetables for snacks. If that’s the case then I can’t ever go to rehab because I'd never make it through a group session. People would open up about their terrible stories of addiction and I’d be trying to call votes on who thought we should go to Applebee’s.

Rehab Food is (most likely) a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition

Did you ever know a kid in elementary school who would flip the fuck out at the smallest provocation and throw a tantrum? It was kind of sad because you knew (even when you were young) that you should probably feel bad for this emotionally underdeveloped kid but at the same time it was also funny because shit like that was funny back then.

The kind of people who complain about the Bert & Ernie marriage petition are the adult version of the temper tantrum kid. Some (seemingly) tiny thing sets them on this unexplainable internet comment section rampage and all you can do is sit back and laugh your ass off. And, just like when you were a kid, you want to give these people the benefit of the doubt but the shit they’ve been saying is so horrible that it’s just easier to avoid them completely.

All that being said, I won’t sign the petition and it has nothing to do with two (puppet) males getting married; it’s because I personally think Ernie could do way better then that wet towel named Bert. Can you imagine those two sharing finances? I guarantee Bert’s not letting you order takeout more than once every two weeks. Pain in the ass.

Bert & Ernie Marriage Petition was unbuster news. Keep coming back.

Ugly Racists

I was thinking about it this morning and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen an attractive racist person. I’m not trying to make some fancy statement like “a person’s personality can be their most attractive feature” because that’s stupid. Kate Upton could walk around screaming terrible things about Asians and guys would still Google her name 10 times a day hoping for nip slips. Leonardo Dicaprio could club baby seals for fun and bang Blake Lively at the same time. Your personality can get a pass in a lot of situations if your face brings the heat.

If you go to YouTube and type “I hate (any race here)” you’re going to see a much higher percentage of misshapen heads and eyes that are too far apart then you’re going to see on the street. I’m guessing that less then 5% of the US population has a forehead that is way too goddamn big (I’m a member of this group; legit five head) but if you based your data ONLY on people doing YouTube rants you’d probably think the number was closer to 30% - 40%. You’d assume that everyone was eating lead paint when they were children.

I’m guessing the reason that most racists are unattractive is because they have a lot of time to worry about that shit. Hot girls don’t have time to think about how minorities are ruining the country; they have to go pick up their hot friends and go get drunk on a yacht all day. Attractive guys don’t want to sit in bunkers and worry about immigrants not learning English; they’re pre-gaming before they head to the bar where they’re going to flirt with girls. All the attractive people think that life is pretty good so why would they dislike any particular race? The only people that have time to work on their crazy are the ones that have an empty dance card. Everyone else is busy.

Ugly Racists are buster. Keep coming back.

Newsweek Crazy Eyes

You’re just going to roll with a crazy eyeball picture on the cover of Newsweek? Buster ass move. What are you doing? Does Michelle Bachmann have a PR person? How the hell does anyone sign off on this picture going coast to coast? Forget about voting for this lady; I don’t even want to make eye contact with here when I’m on the train. "Oh, you're cat's sick? Great. Thanks for telling me." No thank you.

Is this move on purpose? Is she just putting it out there that she’s goddamned crazy and that’s exactly what Washington needs right now? “Lets make Washington creepy! Bachmann 2012!”

If this next election is decided by staring contests then it’s already over. Even Barrackstar couldn’t handle the crazy that these eyes are bringing.

Newsweek Crazy Eyes is a buster scene. Keep coming back.