Cryogenics

I don’t understand why anyone would want to be cryogenically frozen. Say that everything goes well and you’re actually woken up in 500 years. You wouldn’t understand anything, would have no bankable skills, and would likely end up as a ward of the state (if there's such a thing as "states" in the future). Stallone ended up all right in ‘Demolition Man’ but Wesley Snipes was a black guy who preferred blonde hair in that flick so I’m not sure if you can take that seriously.

If you don’t immediately die from some future disease that you’ve got no resistance against, I think the odds are pretty decent that you get tossed into a zoo. Just watch all of the TV that you missed (Whitney got 8 seasons, btw) and eat synthetic Chinese food while the gray children (everyone is gray in the future) of 2512 make fun of the fact that you poop like a Neanderthal. That doesn’t sound like something I’m personally interested in. Walt Disney is going to be pissed.

Cryogenics is a buster situation. Keep coming back.

Working Out

The only reason I work out in the morning is because I don’t want to be the most unappealing person in the room/bus. I don’t know why. It could be emotional scarring from a fairly unattractive childhood; it could be because in a hostage situation the ugliest people are probably shot first; maybe deep down I’m assuming an orgy is going to break out on the bus and I don’t want to be voted as camera guy. There could be many reasons but it’s a fact that I don’t want to be the most unappealing dude in the room.

Working Out is buster. Keep coming back.

Booze Change

I saw (and smelled) a guy in the 7-11 recently who was trying to buy himself some breakfast booze. It’s clear that this guy clearly needs some kind of help in his life. He buys his booze and only has $5. They say he’s about $.70 short or something and he begins to try and swipe his credit card which is kind of a train wreck situation. A lady, noticing this, rushed over and gave him $.70 so he could buy his booze.

If there is a higher power of some sort, what’s their divine opinion on that situation? This guy is clearly going to get that booze somehow so he can either get it by being given $.70 or he can get it by performing dangerous stunts for Chicago’s teenagers. At the same time, you’re basically contributing to this guy slowly killing himself by alcohol poisoning. I figure that’s a wash but I don’t have enough of a background in religion to be totally sure.

One other note: no way that woman gives the dude $.70 if he’s sitting outside asking for cash so he can get some food. Homeless drunk on sidewalk = invisible, keep on moving. Homeless drunk in 7-11 = give him whatever, he’s holding up the goddamned line.

Booze Change was a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Ghost

Say it comes to your attention that there’s a ghost in your house. It’s not a stereotypical bad ghost: no scary drawings in a steamed up mirror while you shower, no opening all the cabinets in the kitchen. It’s just a soul that for whatever reason hasn’t moved on to the afterlife. Maybe he’s sticking around to see how many seasons ‘The Office’ stays on the air or something.

Would you make the ghost wear clothes? It’s not that I’m afraid to have a ghost penis in the room (and, quite frankly, I’m not sure of all the science behind ghost penises). I mostly don’t want a ghost creeping around the house where I can’t see him. I’d avoid a white sheet because that’s played out but I’d definitely insist on a t-shirt or something. I don’t want to worry about a ghost watching me deuce.

Ghost could be a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Pants Shopping

I can’t stand shopping. I think I’ve written in the past about buying shoes in 10 minutes. It’s the 1 pair of brown shoes that I have and I wear them to work 3-5 times every week. I know that I need a second pair of brown shoes and I can absolutely afford it but fuck that. I don’t want to spend another 10 minutes in the shoe store.

I hate shopping for jeans 10 times more. Jeans are far more intimate an occasion that define who you are to a degree. Are you a carpenter? Carpenter jeans. Are you a cowboy? Boot cut. Are you a douche? Make sure there’s a shit load of stitching decoration on the back pocket and you’re set. Want a pair of pants that is all one color? Too bad, every pair has been bleached on the front to make them look “worn in” so you can tell your friends that they travelled the Oregon Trail or something. Fuck me.

Pants shopping is buster. Keep coming back.

What's Up?

It’s strange how you can’t look at a person directly in the eye for more then a second without saying something. Unless you’re a psychopath, it’s impossible to just make eye contact with a stranger and not say anything. I guess it’s how people are socialized: squirrel staring at you = fine (and FUN), person staring at you = change seats on the train but don’t make it obvious.

This exact situation has led me to asking a lot of Chicago’s homeless about their day. It’s not I don’t want to help the homeless or anything like that but I’ve felt like an asshole a few times in the past when I’ve asked a homeless guy “how’s it going?” He’s selling pencils outside of a Walgreens so how great could it be going? “Hey what’s up?” What’s up? I’m about to drink this pint of vodka at 8:00 AM because my life is a fucking wreck is what’s up. Nice question, bro. I wish I could just pretend the homeless are invisible like everyone else in the city.

What's up is a buster ass question. Keep coming back.

Bar Girls

I’m not used to being approached by girls at the bar. There have been a number of reasons for me not being terribly approachable throughout the years (beer stained clothing, falling asleep at bar by 11, chain smoking cigarettes, food in beard, etc) and I was fine with that. I could have put gel in my hair and dressed nicer and tried harder to meet girls but I preferred to get drunk in the corner and wrestle with friends. We make the choices we make. The point is that I'm not used to being approached by women.

So if I AM approached by a girl I assume that she’s there to roofie me and steal my kidney/stuff me full of coke and use me as a drug mule/etc. In my mind there’s no reason for us to be conversing unless you’re trying to steal my organs. So, if there’s a girl out there who approached a bearded dude recently and ended up getting stiff armed then let me apologize. I thought I was in danger.

Bar Girls are buster. Keep coming back.