Ghost

Say it comes to your attention that there’s a ghost in your house. It’s not a stereotypical bad ghost: no scary drawings in a steamed up mirror while you shower, no opening all the cabinets in the kitchen. It’s just a soul that for whatever reason hasn’t moved on to the afterlife. Maybe he’s sticking around to see how many seasons ‘The Office’ stays on the air or something.

Would you make the ghost wear clothes? It’s not that I’m afraid to have a ghost penis in the room (and, quite frankly, I’m not sure of all the science behind ghost penises). I mostly don’t want a ghost creeping around the house where I can’t see him. I’d avoid a white sheet because that’s played out but I’d definitely insist on a t-shirt or something. I don’t want to worry about a ghost watching me deuce.

Ghost could be a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Pants Shopping

I can’t stand shopping. I think I’ve written in the past about buying shoes in 10 minutes. It’s the 1 pair of brown shoes that I have and I wear them to work 3-5 times every week. I know that I need a second pair of brown shoes and I can absolutely afford it but fuck that. I don’t want to spend another 10 minutes in the shoe store.

I hate shopping for jeans 10 times more. Jeans are far more intimate an occasion that define who you are to a degree. Are you a carpenter? Carpenter jeans. Are you a cowboy? Boot cut. Are you a douche? Make sure there’s a shit load of stitching decoration on the back pocket and you’re set. Want a pair of pants that is all one color? Too bad, every pair has been bleached on the front to make them look “worn in” so you can tell your friends that they travelled the Oregon Trail or something. Fuck me.

Pants shopping is buster. Keep coming back.

What's Up?

It’s strange how you can’t look at a person directly in the eye for more then a second without saying something. Unless you’re a psychopath, it’s impossible to just make eye contact with a stranger and not say anything. I guess it’s how people are socialized: squirrel staring at you = fine (and FUN), person staring at you = change seats on the train but don’t make it obvious.

This exact situation has led me to asking a lot of Chicago’s homeless about their day. It’s not I don’t want to help the homeless or anything like that but I’ve felt like an asshole a few times in the past when I’ve asked a homeless guy “how’s it going?” He’s selling pencils outside of a Walgreens so how great could it be going? “Hey what’s up?” What’s up? I’m about to drink this pint of vodka at 8:00 AM because my life is a fucking wreck is what’s up. Nice question, bro. I wish I could just pretend the homeless are invisible like everyone else in the city.

What's up is a buster ass question. Keep coming back.

Bar Girls

I’m not used to being approached by girls at the bar. There have been a number of reasons for me not being terribly approachable throughout the years (beer stained clothing, falling asleep at bar by 11, chain smoking cigarettes, food in beard, etc) and I was fine with that. I could have put gel in my hair and dressed nicer and tried harder to meet girls but I preferred to get drunk in the corner and wrestle with friends. We make the choices we make. The point is that I'm not used to being approached by women.

So if I AM approached by a girl I assume that she’s there to roofie me and steal my kidney/stuff me full of coke and use me as a drug mule/etc. In my mind there’s no reason for us to be conversing unless you’re trying to steal my organs. So, if there’s a girl out there who approached a bearded dude recently and ended up getting stiff armed then let me apologize. I thought I was in danger.

Bar Girls are buster. Keep coming back.

Elevator Talk

One thing I really don’t care for is elevator talk. There’s no better example of useless conversation then two strangers mumbling shit at one another on an elevator. It happens all the time and I don’t understand it. Are you worried that the cable’s going to snap so we all plunge to our deaths; do you need one more useless conversation before you die? Is this an exciting event for you so you’re all amped up and need to talk? Unless the elevator stalls for a few hours and we need to talk about whether going #2 is acceptable then we have nothing to talk about.

I had a great example of unnecessary elevator talk last night. "I smell.....steak. And.....fries." Silence. Are you goddamned serious? If the best topic of conversation is ‘Things I Smell’ lets go ahead and be quiet. While that would be a great conversation topic in North Korea (hermit country starvation joke, nailed it) it’s not something I need to hear about right now.

Elevator Talk is buster. Keep coming back.

JCut Baby

DAMMIT

No. NO! Pregnant now means that the baby is born sometime in October 2012. That’s games 4-8 in a make or break season for the franchise. How is a crabby/tired new dad Jay Cutler going to deal with Johnny Knox falling over on routes and Roy Williams dropping balls over the middle? Not well.

Championship teams don’t have QB’s birthing babies during the regular season. Your penis and all your strong arm super sperm belong to Halas Hall until you bring the Lombardi Trophy home. You’re being selfish right now.

JCut Baby is buster news. Congrats on the bundle of joy but GODDAMN this timing is poor. Keep coming back.

New Lunch Spot

For about a month now, I’ve been going to this Middle Eastern place called The Olive for lunch probably 2-3 days a week and crushing falafel sandwiches. The only problem is that The Olive is next to the sushi place that I used to frequent and every once in a while I see the owner (?) looking at me. I’m almost certain that he doesn’t care about where I eat or doesn’t recognize me because all white people look the same to him but I feel a little guilty.

I’m not sure why I assume that the guy at the sushi place is the owner who actually gives a shit where I eat. If it was a white dude I wouldn’t think he was the owner but since it’s an Asian guy I assume he’s the owner and that he may commit seppuku or something because I don’t want his $8 spicy crab roll. Is that racist? I can’t even tell in 2012

New Lunch Spot is a buster scene. Keep coming back.