Bachelor Party Pukes

I’m excited for Jake’s bachelor party. Drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks as well as barbeque and paintball and a party bus. I ride buses every single day to work and they are rarely a party in any way. Unless you consider getting furious at people before 8 A.M. a party, the CTA doesn’t serve that function.

We play paintball for about 3 hours on Saturday and its pretty fun. The course was out in East Dundee at a place called ‘Santa’s Village’ that I used to visit when I was a kid. Apparently, Santa took on a little too much debt because about half of his land has been converted into a paintball course and it’s pretty comical. Where’s that sniper coming from? It’s coming from the elf cottage and I just took a shot to the neck. Painful buster ass move, I should have used the giant cupcake as cover.

I get home and rest a few hours. I feel pretty shitty but that’s no big deal; a few beers will straighten me out, right? It’s also a good idea to eat a giant slice of Bacci’s pizza that’s probably been sitting out for 4 hours. That’ll set me straight.

Party bus is here. I’m psyched; I just need two or three more beers to be in a pretty good spot. Boche’s got the mix tape; he’s good at that kind of thing. Man, this beer is going down but it’s not going down that well; my stomach is not in a good way. I’m fine, my stomach just hurts. I’m not going to puke. Are we almost there? Where are we, Lakeshore? This bus has shitty suspension. I’m not going to puke. No, I don’t want another beer right now. I’m just taking a break. I’m not going to puke. Where are the trash cans? No reason, just want to know. I’m not going to puke. Hey Boche, can I sit in the backseat with the trash can? Yea, I’m just being cautious. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHHHHHH! Alright, goodbye pizza dinner. YEA! Feeling good! All I had to do was get that puke out and now I’m set for the night. Let’s have a beer at Kerryman. I finished the beer but I’m feeling a little weird. I’m not going to puke. I’m just going downstairs to pee. I don’t have to puke again do I? I haven’t drank that much. No, I’m not going to pu….BLAHHHHHHH! Alright, I need to buy some Tums. That’ll set me straight, right? Head to the Walgreens across the street and get some Tums. ALRIGHT! Back to partying! How many blocks have we gone? 3? Fuck this bus suspension in the ass with a banana. I’m serious. Where are you going? I’m going to walk to the next bar, get some fresh air. That’ll set me straight. I’m not going to puke. I think I should stand by this trash can for second. No reason, just for kicks. I’m not going to pu…BLAHHHHH. Fuck this. I’m going home. Buster ass move, stomach.

Bachelor Party Pukes were buster. Keep coming back.