Elevator Talk

One thing I really don’t care for is elevator talk. There’s no better example of useless conversation then two strangers mumbling shit at one another on an elevator. It happens all the time and I don’t understand it. Are you worried that the cable’s going to snap so we all plunge to our deaths; do you need one more useless conversation before you die? Is this an exciting event for you so you’re all amped up and need to talk? Unless the elevator stalls for a few hours and we need to talk about whether going #2 is acceptable then we have nothing to talk about.

I had a great example of unnecessary elevator talk last night. "I smell.....steak. And.....fries." Silence. Are you goddamned serious? If the best topic of conversation is ‘Things I Smell’ lets go ahead and be quiet. While that would be a great conversation topic in North Korea (hermit country starvation joke, nailed it) it’s not something I need to hear about right now.

Elevator Talk is buster. Keep coming back.

JCut Baby

DAMMIT

No. NO! Pregnant now means that the baby is born sometime in October 2012. That’s games 4-8 in a make or break season for the franchise. How is a crabby/tired new dad Jay Cutler going to deal with Johnny Knox falling over on routes and Roy Williams dropping balls over the middle? Not well.

Championship teams don’t have QB’s birthing babies during the regular season. Your penis and all your strong arm super sperm belong to Halas Hall until you bring the Lombardi Trophy home. You’re being selfish right now.

JCut Baby is buster news. Congrats on the bundle of joy but GODDAMN this timing is poor. Keep coming back.

New Lunch Spot

For about a month now, I’ve been going to this Middle Eastern place called The Olive for lunch probably 2-3 days a week and crushing falafel sandwiches. The only problem is that The Olive is next to the sushi place that I used to frequent and every once in a while I see the owner (?) looking at me. I’m almost certain that he doesn’t care about where I eat or doesn’t recognize me because all white people look the same to him but I feel a little guilty.

I’m not sure why I assume that the guy at the sushi place is the owner who actually gives a shit where I eat. If it was a white dude I wouldn’t think he was the owner but since it’s an Asian guy I assume he’s the owner and that he may commit seppuku or something because I don’t want his $8 spicy crab roll. Is that racist? I can’t even tell in 2012

New Lunch Spot is a buster scene. Keep coming back.

Santa Porn Visits

It's become apparent that I've had a lot of web traffic the past week or two because my site is anywhere from the 3rd - 12th page that comes up when you search "Santa Porn" in Google. Quick thoughts:

-Santa Porn must be an underserved industry if one post is enough to put me that high on the Google rankings.
-People visit the Santa Porn and immediately leave which kind of hurts my feelings. You guys don’t want to read about my fantasy football team? Fuck you.
-There are a SHITLOAD of people in India who want to watch Santa Claus bang one out. As worried as we get about super smart Indian people taking our jobs at the end of the day we’re all just people who want to watch horrific sex stuff on the internet. That’s kind of sweet, in a way.

Santa Porn Visits were unbuster. Keep coming back.

2012

Guess what happens when you throw up first thing in the morning? You get super thirsty. Guess what happens when you drink a shit ton of water to overcome the thirst? You throw up again and get thirsty all over. Repeat that 3 process times until you finally suck on ice cubes for a few hours. Finalize with diarrhea. Welcome to 2012.

My resolution is to post more often this year. Even though my blog gets about 2.5 hits a day I still get a lot of lip service at the bar for never posting so now I'm just doing it out of spite. I also want to try new recipes.

2012 is a buster ass year so far. Keep coming back.

Coolness

There are various ways to be cool throughout life:

Ages 0-2: Just be quiet. That's cool as it gets for a baby.
Ages 3-5: Don't dump your pants.
Ages 6-11: Be good at sports.
Ages 12-14: Be a dick to teachers. Start smoking if you can.
Ages 15-18: Be a dick to teachers. Start drinking if you can.
Ages 19-30: I'll let you know when I figure this out.
Ages 31-death: Don't dump your pants.

Coolness is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Thanksgiving

Thoughts on Thanksgiving this week:

-The office is about 50% empty today. If there was ever a day to see what would happen after peeing in a trash can under my desk, today is that day.
-Days like this make me think of the eventual apocalypse (spurned by zombies, nuclear war, you name it) that wipes out 90% of mankind. I’ll have fun for 2 weeks by just throwing shit off of roofs but then the reality will sink in: the only porn available is magazine form because there’s no electricity. Shit’s gonna get dark real quick.
-I'm skipping the bar scene Wednesday. I'll catch up with friends Friday/Saturday if I have to but I can't handle the bars anymore. How many Jaeger bombs are you buying? 10? Oh, you goddamned kids.
-Thanksgiving at my house is Godfather 1 & 2 on AMC, me silently cursing about parlays getting blown up, and hearing my dad call republicans “cocksuckers” all weekend. Norman Rockwell, eat your heart out.

Thanksgiving is unbuster. Keep coming back.