Santa Porn Visits

It's become apparent that I've had a lot of web traffic the past week or two because my site is anywhere from the 3rd - 12th page that comes up when you search "Santa Porn" in Google. Quick thoughts:

-Santa Porn must be an underserved industry if one post is enough to put me that high on the Google rankings.
-People visit the Santa Porn and immediately leave which kind of hurts my feelings. You guys don’t want to read about my fantasy football team? Fuck you.
-There are a SHITLOAD of people in India who want to watch Santa Claus bang one out. As worried as we get about super smart Indian people taking our jobs at the end of the day we’re all just people who want to watch horrific sex stuff on the internet. That’s kind of sweet, in a way.

Santa Porn Visits were unbuster. Keep coming back.

2012

Guess what happens when you throw up first thing in the morning? You get super thirsty. Guess what happens when you drink a shit ton of water to overcome the thirst? You throw up again and get thirsty all over. Repeat that 3 process times until you finally suck on ice cubes for a few hours. Finalize with diarrhea. Welcome to 2012.

My resolution is to post more often this year. Even though my blog gets about 2.5 hits a day I still get a lot of lip service at the bar for never posting so now I'm just doing it out of spite. I also want to try new recipes.

2012 is a buster ass year so far. Keep coming back.

Coolness

There are various ways to be cool throughout life:

Ages 0-2: Just be quiet. That's cool as it gets for a baby.
Ages 3-5: Don't dump your pants.
Ages 6-11: Be good at sports.
Ages 12-14: Be a dick to teachers. Start smoking if you can.
Ages 15-18: Be a dick to teachers. Start drinking if you can.
Ages 19-30: I'll let you know when I figure this out.
Ages 31-death: Don't dump your pants.

Coolness is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Thanksgiving

Thoughts on Thanksgiving this week:

-The office is about 50% empty today. If there was ever a day to see what would happen after peeing in a trash can under my desk, today is that day.
-Days like this make me think of the eventual apocalypse (spurned by zombies, nuclear war, you name it) that wipes out 90% of mankind. I’ll have fun for 2 weeks by just throwing shit off of roofs but then the reality will sink in: the only porn available is magazine form because there’s no electricity. Shit’s gonna get dark real quick.
-I'm skipping the bar scene Wednesday. I'll catch up with friends Friday/Saturday if I have to but I can't handle the bars anymore. How many Jaeger bombs are you buying? 10? Oh, you goddamned kids.
-Thanksgiving at my house is Godfather 1 & 2 on AMC, me silently cursing about parlays getting blown up, and hearing my dad call republicans “cocksuckers” all weekend. Norman Rockwell, eat your heart out.

Thanksgiving is unbuster. Keep coming back.

Spiders vs. Shits

Why is it that I run out of the room when I see a spider but I'll click on links that say "World's Biggest Shit?" It's probably because spiders eat flies and that's fucking gross.

Spiders are buster. Keep coming back.

Racist Fish

I have a fish tank and I’m somewhat worried that they’re going to embarass me sometime when I have company. Since they’re fish, they’re kind of skittish and hide a lot when people come over and look through the glass, regardless of who is looking. Suppose, however, that I bring a friend of a different race or ethnicity over and the fish hide. Do I just assume that it had nothing to do with my friends’ skin tone or do I play it safe and apologize? Sorry, the fish have been watching a lot of ‘The Wire’ and they’re kind of freaked out by Marlo Stanfield. They mean well but they’re just a little sheltered, you know. They’re fish.

Racist Fish are buster. Keep coming back.

Dog #2

I don’t know if anyone else has this problem, but I feel terrible for dogs when I see them going #2. It’s not the fact that they look uncomfortable even though they do; it’s all weird squatting and eyes bulging out of their heads.

The main reason I feel bad about dogs going #2 is because they’re the only animal whose shit can lead to random strangers getting into arguments. Cats poop inside. Birds crap on anything they want. Monkeys throw their shit at each other and nobody blinks an eye. But if some poor bulge eyed dog drops a #2 and it’s not immediately picked up people will start screaming at each other. The dog is the only animal that's a prisoner of it's bowel movements.

Imagine how that feels for the dog: “I eat dry, protein rich food and get walked once a day so a shit is coming during this walk and you know it. Here it comes! AH! That was great. Okay, pick this up and lets get out of here. You don’t have a bag? You lazy asshole; now I feel guilty because some kid is going to ride his bike through that. What’s wrong with you? Oh shit, did someone catch us? Great, now I have to listen to this guy threaten to call the police because of my shit. Oh no, he's actually calling. Some crack head is going to eat a baby because a policemen is dealing with the mess I just made on the sidewalk. I'm embarrassed; no other animal has to deal with this. I’m never taking a shit again. Ever, I’m serious. This is awful.” Poor dog now has a complex about going #2. It’s a real situation.

Dog #2 is a buster scene. Keep coming back.