I went out to meet the lady for lunch yesterday. It was sort of like a date except it ended with a walk back to the office instead of a trip to a Redbox kiosk. I personally think that Redbox is probably one of the most unbuster things of 2010.
We decided on Johnny Rockets which appears to be a 1950’s themed restaurant. I’ve never seen a 1930’s or 1970’s themed restaurant, only 1950’s. Who chose the 1950’s to be the decade for themed restaurants; why was that decade so awesome? Did state sponsored segregation make the food taste better? I don’t get it.
$5.29 for a cheeseburger. That price will typically send me into a blind rage but I’m hungry so I don’t have the energy. I’m like a wild horse that’s been broken.
I see that fries are $1.99. No problem. Onion rings are $2.99. I’m about to have an anger induced stroke. Which buster ass restaurant executive decided that onion rings are $1 more expensive to make? I go to the grocery store and buy potatoes and onions all of the time. No price difference. Why do I have to pay so much more for fried onions instead of fried potatoes? The situation is made worse by the portions you get. I’m guessing a serving of rings is about 2/3 the weight of a serving of fries. Assume an order of fries is an ounce heavy:
Fries = 1 ounce = 1.99
Fries = $1.99 per ounce
Rings = 2/3 ounce = 2.99
Rings = $4.53 per ounce
That’s a markup of 127%. That’s a buster ass markup. I want congressional inquiries. I want Ron Paul to rattle some cages on this shit.
Onion Ring Markups are buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Subway Singer
I leave work yesterday and head towards the red line on State. It’s not that bad of a walk because I’ve recently been wearing scarves. I went from the ages of 9 – 26 without rocking the neck sweater but I got one as a gift from girlfriend so I’m giving them a shot. I look like fancy male prostitute.
I see two or three homeless on my walk to the station. I don’t have any change but I at least acknowledge them and say I don’t have anything. Pretending the homeless are invisible is buster.
I get to the station and immediately panic because I can’t tell if the noise is the escalator or an approaching train. I’m willing knock a child out of the way because barely missing trains is buster as hell.
I get to the track level and see the train approaching so I'm pretty pumped. I grab my book to start reading more about the Federal Reserve; according to the author, a fiat currency system is buster. Then I hear you. Who said that the red line platform was an auditorium for every street musician in the city? It’s loud enough with all the trains running by in an enclosed space; we don’t need some old dude belting out “My Girl” by himself over and over. Bro, there are 60 people on the platform and every one of them has their back to you. Pack your shit and go home because not taking a clue is buster. Try out for American Idol or something.
Subway Singer is buster. Keep coming back.
I see two or three homeless on my walk to the station. I don’t have any change but I at least acknowledge them and say I don’t have anything. Pretending the homeless are invisible is buster.
I get to the station and immediately panic because I can’t tell if the noise is the escalator or an approaching train. I’m willing knock a child out of the way because barely missing trains is buster as hell.
I get to the track level and see the train approaching so I'm pretty pumped. I grab my book to start reading more about the Federal Reserve; according to the author, a fiat currency system is buster. Then I hear you. Who said that the red line platform was an auditorium for every street musician in the city? It’s loud enough with all the trains running by in an enclosed space; we don’t need some old dude belting out “My Girl” by himself over and over. Bro, there are 60 people on the platform and every one of them has their back to you. Pack your shit and go home because not taking a clue is buster. Try out for American Idol or something.
Subway Singer is buster. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Eye Roller
I get on the bus at 7:30 this morning to go to work. It’s a little later than usual because I went for a morning jog. Jogging on a treadmill is a buster ass way to start the day but it’s even more buster to walk around jiggling like a pile of sandwich meats so you’ve got to work out every once in a while.
I look around the bus and seating is limited. If the 136 bus was a dance club then its hot hours would be between 7 – 8:30. Place is bumping during that time slot.
The only seats available are buffer seats. “Buffer seats” are the seats that are intentionally left empty in order to give the people next to them extra shoulder room. It’s a buster ass move to take buffer seats but it’s even more buster to stand.
I sit down and can tell the next to me is pissed off about losing his extra shoulder space. I look across the aisle at another guy who’s taking a buffer seat. We share glances and it’s clear we both feel as buster as humanly possible. However, as he sits down the woman next to him rolls her eyes and makes a big production of moving over for him. Buster ass move. Lady, it’s not like he farted on your leg or something; scoot over and make room for the guy. You’re acting like you deserve extra shoulder space because you got on the bus a few stops before we did. It’s a crowded bus; if you want to stretch out and have plenty of room for that buster ass cat sweater you’re wearing then take a cab to work. Otherwise, put the eye rolls away.
Eye Roller is buster. Keep coming back.
I look around the bus and seating is limited. If the 136 bus was a dance club then its hot hours would be between 7 – 8:30. Place is bumping during that time slot.
The only seats available are buffer seats. “Buffer seats” are the seats that are intentionally left empty in order to give the people next to them extra shoulder room. It’s a buster ass move to take buffer seats but it’s even more buster to stand.
I sit down and can tell the next to me is pissed off about losing his extra shoulder space. I look across the aisle at another guy who’s taking a buffer seat. We share glances and it’s clear we both feel as buster as humanly possible. However, as he sits down the woman next to him rolls her eyes and makes a big production of moving over for him. Buster ass move. Lady, it’s not like he farted on your leg or something; scoot over and make room for the guy. You’re acting like you deserve extra shoulder space because you got on the bus a few stops before we did. It’s a crowded bus; if you want to stretch out and have plenty of room for that buster ass cat sweater you’re wearing then take a cab to work. Otherwise, put the eye rolls away.
Eye Roller is buster. Keep coming back.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Two Prong Timers
My folks get me an automatic electronic timer for Christmas. Now I can make sure that my aquarium lights are on for exactly 10 hours every day. No lie, this is in the top 5 greatest moments of my life.
I get home yesterday and show the timer to the fish. No response from them. Your fish treating you like a dickhead is buster ass.
I spend some time programming the automatic timer. I think I break the timer at first because I didn’t read the directions. I’m sitting on my couch thinking: “I’m a man. I have a dong and my ancestors used to hunt mastodons with nothing but rocks. I’m not reading directions like some buster ass.” I only read directions after breaking something.
The timer gets set and it’s time to plug in my Christmas present. Guess what happens. My aquarium light requires a three prong outlet. My timer only has two prongs. I’m very close to burning down my entire condo complex with this buster ass situation. Two prongs? What kind of sissy piece of electronic gear only needs two prongs? I’ve got a pack of fish sitting in the dark right now and I can’t do anything about it because the timer I have is designed for electronic toothbrushes or some other buster ass products like that.
Two Prong Timers are buster. Keep coming back.
I get home yesterday and show the timer to the fish. No response from them. Your fish treating you like a dickhead is buster ass.
I spend some time programming the automatic timer. I think I break the timer at first because I didn’t read the directions. I’m sitting on my couch thinking: “I’m a man. I have a dong and my ancestors used to hunt mastodons with nothing but rocks. I’m not reading directions like some buster ass.” I only read directions after breaking something.
The timer gets set and it’s time to plug in my Christmas present. Guess what happens. My aquarium light requires a three prong outlet. My timer only has two prongs. I’m very close to burning down my entire condo complex with this buster ass situation. Two prongs? What kind of sissy piece of electronic gear only needs two prongs? I’ve got a pack of fish sitting in the dark right now and I can’t do anything about it because the timer I have is designed for electronic toothbrushes or some other buster ass products like that.
Two Prong Timers are buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Downtown Algonquin
The initial plan was to pick me up at Arlington park. That plan changed so I'm getting picked up at Palatine. Mom calls 3 times to confirm this.
I'm getting picked up at Palatine because there's a huge ass aquarium store around there. No need for Christian activities; let's go look at some fishies. The store warns you not to put your finger in the piranha tank. If you're stupid enough to stick your fingers in there then you deserve to be some buster ass with nine fingers.
We finish the trip to the aquarium store and start driving home. Dad goes the wrong way and starts to swear. Mom's crinkling the map. Shit's starting to spiral.
Guess what happens. We roll through Algonquin. You're just gonna make us roll for 10 miles with one lane and stoplights all over the place? C'mon, my dad is losing it right now. At one time there was talk about building another road through Algonquin but the city said no because it would divert traffic from their downtown area. Seriously? Because I just rolled through this place and I saw a pizza shop, a bank, a funeral home, some shitty martini bar, and a spot named Bullwinkles. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably get hammed at Bullwinkles and go for a slice after but this is one of the most buster ass downtowns I've ever seen. You're just gonna add 30 minutes to my drive so I can roll past some dead bodies and a bank? Buster ass move.
Downtown Algonquin is buster. Keep coming back.
I'm getting picked up at Palatine because there's a huge ass aquarium store around there. No need for Christian activities; let's go look at some fishies. The store warns you not to put your finger in the piranha tank. If you're stupid enough to stick your fingers in there then you deserve to be some buster ass with nine fingers.
We finish the trip to the aquarium store and start driving home. Dad goes the wrong way and starts to swear. Mom's crinkling the map. Shit's starting to spiral.
Guess what happens. We roll through Algonquin. You're just gonna make us roll for 10 miles with one lane and stoplights all over the place? C'mon, my dad is losing it right now. At one time there was talk about building another road through Algonquin but the city said no because it would divert traffic from their downtown area. Seriously? Because I just rolled through this place and I saw a pizza shop, a bank, a funeral home, some shitty martini bar, and a spot named Bullwinkles. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably get hammed at Bullwinkles and go for a slice after but this is one of the most buster ass downtowns I've ever seen. You're just gonna add 30 minutes to my drive so I can roll past some dead bodies and a bank? Buster ass move.
Downtown Algonquin is buster. Keep coming back.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wrong Side Walker
We’ve been in this situation before, lady.
I’m walking on the right side of the hallway because that’s what normal people do. It’s like driving. Nobody drives on the left side of the street and nobody walks down the left side of the hallway. Nobody but you, it seems.
You took the corner too hard. Again. For some reason when you walk you take corners like you’re driving in a Formula 1 race instead of drifting out a little bit. Taking corners like a race car is a buster ass way to walk around and take corners. You’re not being timed; drift out in case someone else is walking down the hall.
But here we are again. I’m walking down the hall on the way to use the bathroom and you roll around the corner full speed with a hot cup of coffee. Just going Formula 1 style around corners with hot beverages? Buster ass move. You yelling “EXCUSE ME” as loud as possible isn’t necessary. Making ruckus in the office? Buster ass move. Finally, I notice that you’ve gotten coffee on my yellow work shirt. I look like a bumble bee with a birthmark or something and that’s a buster ass look. Even though I apologize two or three times to do I get one in return? No. You just stomp off with your work pants tucked into the snow boots which is a look I won’t even comment on. This has been one of the more buster human interactions I can remember.
Wrong Side Walker is buster. Keep coming back.
I’m walking on the right side of the hallway because that’s what normal people do. It’s like driving. Nobody drives on the left side of the street and nobody walks down the left side of the hallway. Nobody but you, it seems.
You took the corner too hard. Again. For some reason when you walk you take corners like you’re driving in a Formula 1 race instead of drifting out a little bit. Taking corners like a race car is a buster ass way to walk around and take corners. You’re not being timed; drift out in case someone else is walking down the hall.
But here we are again. I’m walking down the hall on the way to use the bathroom and you roll around the corner full speed with a hot cup of coffee. Just going Formula 1 style around corners with hot beverages? Buster ass move. You yelling “EXCUSE ME” as loud as possible isn’t necessary. Making ruckus in the office? Buster ass move. Finally, I notice that you’ve gotten coffee on my yellow work shirt. I look like a bumble bee with a birthmark or something and that’s a buster ass look. Even though I apologize two or three times to do I get one in return? No. You just stomp off with your work pants tucked into the snow boots which is a look I won’t even comment on. This has been one of the more buster human interactions I can remember.
Wrong Side Walker is buster. Keep coming back.
Tipping Rules
I’m at the age where I often find myself in situations where tipping is necessary. Whether I like it or not we live in a society where $1 per drink is the standard and if you don’t follow that rule then you risk being called out by a lady bartender. Good luck finding casual sex after being put on blast at the bar.
I also have no problem with tipping at restaurants. I shoot for around 20% and that number seems pretty legit. Going under 15% is the most buster ass move you can pull when you go out to eat. If an extra $1.50 for tip makes that much of a difference in your life then your ass shouldn’t be at an Applebee’s in the first place. Stay home and make salami sandwiches or something.
However, the girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day and checked our coats. I started sweating the coat check process before our meals had even arrived at the table. What’s the rule here? Do I give you $1 for bringing me my coat? Is that not enough? Trying to tip someone and finding out that it’s not enough is just a buster situation. Do I tip based on the weight of the coat? $1 per sleeve? If that’s the case then what happens if I wear a poncho or something? Just put the rule by the front door or something so I don’t overthink it. Otherwise I’m going to pull the move that I did the other day which is grabbing the coat without making eye contact and sprinting towards the door. It’s not a good look but I had to think on the fly.
Tipping Rules are buster. Keep coming back.
I also have no problem with tipping at restaurants. I shoot for around 20% and that number seems pretty legit. Going under 15% is the most buster ass move you can pull when you go out to eat. If an extra $1.50 for tip makes that much of a difference in your life then your ass shouldn’t be at an Applebee’s in the first place. Stay home and make salami sandwiches or something.
However, the girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day and checked our coats. I started sweating the coat check process before our meals had even arrived at the table. What’s the rule here? Do I give you $1 for bringing me my coat? Is that not enough? Trying to tip someone and finding out that it’s not enough is just a buster situation. Do I tip based on the weight of the coat? $1 per sleeve? If that’s the case then what happens if I wear a poncho or something? Just put the rule by the front door or something so I don’t overthink it. Otherwise I’m going to pull the move that I did the other day which is grabbing the coat without making eye contact and sprinting towards the door. It’s not a good look but I had to think on the fly.
Tipping Rules are buster. Keep coming back.
Work Tattletales
I woke up on Monday knowing that this week was going be slow as hell. Nobody cares about work the week before Christmas except for mall Santas and men of the cloth; everyone else mails it in. Even television isn’t new this week which leaves me with nothing to do at home. I have to decide between reruns of CSI: New York and CSI: Miami? This is a buster ass existence I live right here.
Naturally, I’m sneaking out of work early. I’m bored at work because nothing is coming in. I want to leave work as early as possible so I can go and be bored at home.
I time it up right. It’s 4 PM and a 136 is rolling up outside pretty soon. All I’ve got to do is grab my coat and hit the elevator bank. The desk light and computer stay on because I only care about the environment when it suits my needs. Right now the light needs to stay on so people think I didn’t leave. Sorry, ozone.
What do you do? You see that I’m leaving and start yelling my name so everyone knows that I’m rolling out. You’re like a buster HR alarm system right now. Why do you even care when I leave? What do you gain from telling everyone that I’m taking off? This is the equivalent of a work place cock block. I’ve got a good thing going and you just come to mash it to pieces. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to change my mind on leaving; I’ve picked up the coat and I’m fully committed to walking out that door. If I’m clearly leaving and turn around when someone sees my then it’s an admission of guilt. No goddamn way I’m pulling some buster move like that.
Work Tattletales are buster. Keep coming back.
Naturally, I’m sneaking out of work early. I’m bored at work because nothing is coming in. I want to leave work as early as possible so I can go and be bored at home.
I time it up right. It’s 4 PM and a 136 is rolling up outside pretty soon. All I’ve got to do is grab my coat and hit the elevator bank. The desk light and computer stay on because I only care about the environment when it suits my needs. Right now the light needs to stay on so people think I didn’t leave. Sorry, ozone.
What do you do? You see that I’m leaving and start yelling my name so everyone knows that I’m rolling out. You’re like a buster HR alarm system right now. Why do you even care when I leave? What do you gain from telling everyone that I’m taking off? This is the equivalent of a work place cock block. I’ve got a good thing going and you just come to mash it to pieces. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to change my mind on leaving; I’ve picked up the coat and I’m fully committed to walking out that door. If I’m clearly leaving and turn around when someone sees my then it’s an admission of guilt. No goddamn way I’m pulling some buster move like that.
Work Tattletales are buster. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My Outfit
I wake up this morning and I’m a little out of my wits. The Chicago Bears mashed up the Minnesota Vikings to win the division last night and I had some Shock Tops while I watched it. Shock Tops + Bears win = poor effort at work on Tuesday.
I get the clothes out of my closet so I can iron them. Ironing sucks but you can’t just roll into work looking like a pile of wrinkles. Wrinkles are a buster ass look unless you’re a California Raisin. Even then, only their skin was wrinkly but their clothes were legit.
I get dressed and head out the door. I’m going to read the Economist on the bus so I can talk about world events and act smug in front of my friends.
Guess what happens. I look down and realize that I’m wearing blue pants instead of grey pants with my maroon shirt. You could tell me that China just invaded California or something and I wouldn’t be as concerned as I am about this buster ass outfit. In fact, China invading California wouldn’t be close to as bad because at least I could go to Chinafornia to buy pirated PS3 games. However, in the current situation, I look like I raided Willy Wonka’s closet and just threw something together. Willy Wonka isn’t buster but I’m not trying to dress like him. Besides, before I dressed like him I'd like to know where the women and children Oompa-Loompas went. Are they in Loompaland just getting mauled by Whangdoodles? Just gonna leave their orange asses behind because they can’t make candies? That’s a buster ass move, Wonka.
My Outfit is buster. Keep coming back.
I get the clothes out of my closet so I can iron them. Ironing sucks but you can’t just roll into work looking like a pile of wrinkles. Wrinkles are a buster ass look unless you’re a California Raisin. Even then, only their skin was wrinkly but their clothes were legit.
I get dressed and head out the door. I’m going to read the Economist on the bus so I can talk about world events and act smug in front of my friends.
Guess what happens. I look down and realize that I’m wearing blue pants instead of grey pants with my maroon shirt. You could tell me that China just invaded California or something and I wouldn’t be as concerned as I am about this buster ass outfit. In fact, China invading California wouldn’t be close to as bad because at least I could go to Chinafornia to buy pirated PS3 games. However, in the current situation, I look like I raided Willy Wonka’s closet and just threw something together. Willy Wonka isn’t buster but I’m not trying to dress like him. Besides, before I dressed like him I'd like to know where the women and children Oompa-Loompas went. Are they in Loompaland just getting mauled by Whangdoodles? Just gonna leave their orange asses behind because they can’t make candies? That’s a buster ass move, Wonka.
My Outfit is buster. Keep coming back.
Bucket Boys
I head down to US Bank yesterday to get some cash. I typically take out large amounts of money every time I go to the ATM because paying $3 to take out $40 is buster ass. I’d rather pay $3 to take out $120 and just worry about getting mugged for the rest of the night. Living in a city is so cool.
I go during lunchtime because the trip to US Bank is long as hell. What’s the point of US Bank even being in Chicago if they’re going to place 1 ATM for every 500,000 residents of the city? Either step up to the plate or just let Chase have everything and get over it.
I walk past Macy’s and the pleasant, “holiday” themed, non-denominational decorations all over the place.
Guess what I hear. Bucket boys. Give me a goddamned break with this shit. It’s not enough that I’ve got to hear 200 taxi drivers try to murder each other with their horns but now I’ve got your street percussion on top of it? Buster as hell. I don’t even like the fact that there are half a dozen bucket boys outside of every goddamn Cubs game during the summer. I pay $75 to sit in the awful blazing sun and watch assholes get so drunk they piss themselves while the Cubs lose 2-1. I get to follow that up with a bucket boy at every corner just causing ruckus? Bring your buster ass ruckus somewhere else.
Bucket Boys are buster. Keep coming back.
I go during lunchtime because the trip to US Bank is long as hell. What’s the point of US Bank even being in Chicago if they’re going to place 1 ATM for every 500,000 residents of the city? Either step up to the plate or just let Chase have everything and get over it.
I walk past Macy’s and the pleasant, “holiday” themed, non-denominational decorations all over the place.
Guess what I hear. Bucket boys. Give me a goddamned break with this shit. It’s not enough that I’ve got to hear 200 taxi drivers try to murder each other with their horns but now I’ve got your street percussion on top of it? Buster as hell. I don’t even like the fact that there are half a dozen bucket boys outside of every goddamn Cubs game during the summer. I pay $75 to sit in the awful blazing sun and watch assholes get so drunk they piss themselves while the Cubs lose 2-1. I get to follow that up with a bucket boy at every corner just causing ruckus? Bring your buster ass ruckus somewhere else.
Bucket Boys are buster. Keep coming back.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Self Checkout Dummies
I’m going to the supermarket to buy ingredients for a pasta recipe that I’m making. I like pasta because I’m not afraid of carbs. Being afraid of bread is buster.
I decided not to grab a basket because I only needed a few things. A few things turned into a lot of things and I’m eventually walking around with onions and canned tomatoes in my pockets because I can’t carry them. I’m embarrassed by my lack of preparation.
There are tons of people at all of the standard check out lines so I go to the self check out.
Guess what I see. People rolling up with 40+ items. That’s a buster ass amount of items to bring to the self checkout line. It takes way longer to scan each item, how do you not realize that already. Look for the bar code. Find the bar code. Scan the item. Didn’t scan. Scan again. Didn’t scan. Scan a third time. Now it scanned, and you put it in the bagging area. Oh shit, now we’ve got an unexpected item in the bagging area and you need help from a staff member. You look like a fool right now with some buster ass grocery computer calling all the shots. Letting a grocery computer play you in front of a crowd? Buster ass move; take your cart to the regular lines.
Self Checkout Dummies are buster. Keep coming back.
I decided not to grab a basket because I only needed a few things. A few things turned into a lot of things and I’m eventually walking around with onions and canned tomatoes in my pockets because I can’t carry them. I’m embarrassed by my lack of preparation.
There are tons of people at all of the standard check out lines so I go to the self check out.
Guess what I see. People rolling up with 40+ items. That’s a buster ass amount of items to bring to the self checkout line. It takes way longer to scan each item, how do you not realize that already. Look for the bar code. Find the bar code. Scan the item. Didn’t scan. Scan again. Didn’t scan. Scan a third time. Now it scanned, and you put it in the bagging area. Oh shit, now we’ve got an unexpected item in the bagging area and you need help from a staff member. You look like a fool right now with some buster ass grocery computer calling all the shots. Letting a grocery computer play you in front of a crowd? Buster ass move; take your cart to the regular lines.
Self Checkout Dummies are buster. Keep coming back.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Chicago Winter
I wake up this morning at 6 AM because they say that the early bird gets the worm. I’m not sure that’s totally true. Most likely, there’s more than one worm to catch. Also, it’s possible that the worm sleeps in so getting there early may just mean you wait around like an asshole. It doesn’t really matter because breakfast worms are buster. I prefer a bagel.
I open the windows to get a view of what’s it’s like outside. It’s as dark right as it was when I went to bed. Unless you’re a vampire bat, going to sleep and waking up when it’s dark is buster.
I go outside and immediately get blasted in the face with wind. I’m not pleased.
You know what the worst part is? Winter here shuts shit down and there’s nothing to do. It’s not like in Colorado where you can go skiing or Utah where fun Mormon kids will have pleasant snowball fights while abstaining from sex and drugs. Chicago is just a freezing cold murder prairie with some buildings on top of it. It’s dreary, and dreariness is buster. The only activity available is ice skating and that gets a C-. The only people who like ice skating are hockey players and girls who want to re-create scenes from Lifetime movies. Lifetime is probably the most buster ass channel out there and I’m still pissed that they cancelled Unsolved Mysteries. Remember that show? Robert Stack held shit down.
Chicago Winter is buster. Keep coming back.
I open the windows to get a view of what’s it’s like outside. It’s as dark right as it was when I went to bed. Unless you’re a vampire bat, going to sleep and waking up when it’s dark is buster.
I go outside and immediately get blasted in the face with wind. I’m not pleased.
You know what the worst part is? Winter here shuts shit down and there’s nothing to do. It’s not like in Colorado where you can go skiing or Utah where fun Mormon kids will have pleasant snowball fights while abstaining from sex and drugs. Chicago is just a freezing cold murder prairie with some buildings on top of it. It’s dreary, and dreariness is buster. The only activity available is ice skating and that gets a C-. The only people who like ice skating are hockey players and girls who want to re-create scenes from Lifetime movies. Lifetime is probably the most buster ass channel out there and I’m still pissed that they cancelled Unsolved Mysteries. Remember that show? Robert Stack held shit down.
Chicago Winter is buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Fry Charges
I go with the girlfriend to a new place in her neighborhood, Bloke’s & Bird’s. You gotta keep things fresh. A stale life, like a stale cookie or cracker, is buster as hell.
Bloke’s & Bird’s is a pretty cool spot. They play the music at an acceptable volume. People aren’t fall down drunk. Premier League soccer is on all of the televisions. It’s classy. You wanna get sloppy drunk and dance like an asshole? Red Ivy, dicklips, and I hope you get hit by a bus.
I’m having the fish & chips. Girlfriend is having a hamburger. I’ll probably eat at least a quarter of her burger because she’ll get full. Having a larger appetite then your girlfriend isn’t great for the waistline but it’s certainly not buster.
Guess what happens. Fries aren’t included with the burger; they cost an additional $4. Shit just got real. What kind of buster ass move is this where the fries aren’t included with the sandwich? You’re not tricking me; it’s a $12 burger plate instead of an $8 burger plate. Playing games on the menu is buster. Besides, what you’re doing is irresponsible: the fries are the burger’s wing men and instead you’re just gonna let a burger roll to the table solo? Solo is a buster ass look on anything whether it’s a human or a sandwich.
Fine, bring us the fries along with some vinegar because vinegar on fries isn’t even in the buster galaxy; manned space missions to find that flavor would be too dangerous to contemplate.
Fry Chargers are buster. Keep coming back.
Bloke’s & Bird’s is a pretty cool spot. They play the music at an acceptable volume. People aren’t fall down drunk. Premier League soccer is on all of the televisions. It’s classy. You wanna get sloppy drunk and dance like an asshole? Red Ivy, dicklips, and I hope you get hit by a bus.
I’m having the fish & chips. Girlfriend is having a hamburger. I’ll probably eat at least a quarter of her burger because she’ll get full. Having a larger appetite then your girlfriend isn’t great for the waistline but it’s certainly not buster.
Guess what happens. Fries aren’t included with the burger; they cost an additional $4. Shit just got real. What kind of buster ass move is this where the fries aren’t included with the sandwich? You’re not tricking me; it’s a $12 burger plate instead of an $8 burger plate. Playing games on the menu is buster. Besides, what you’re doing is irresponsible: the fries are the burger’s wing men and instead you’re just gonna let a burger roll to the table solo? Solo is a buster ass look on anything whether it’s a human or a sandwich.
Fine, bring us the fries along with some vinegar because vinegar on fries isn’t even in the buster galaxy; manned space missions to find that flavor would be too dangerous to contemplate.
Fry Chargers are buster. Keep coming back.
Aisle Sitters
The train pulls up and I don’t enter immediately. You need to stand aside and let people off because we live in a society. Don’t act like an animal and rush a door.
I have to push my way past some stupid ass kid who doesn’t think he needs to move for anyone. Rudeness is buster. So are most teenagers.
Then I see it. You’re sitting on the aisle seat with nothing on the window seat. I can’t believe how buster you’re acting with this shit. There’s no drink service or bathroom you want access to; move your ass over to the window. It’s not that I don’t understand; the CTA has all types of gross people walking all over the place that you don’t want to sit next to. Sometimes a smelly person sits down next to you and while it’s a buster ass move to smell all the time it’s even more buster ass to assume that people are going to smell. Give them a chance not to smell. The worst part is that I won’t say anything about moving over because I worry about a confrontation. Arguments in front of an audience? Buster, unless it’s on TV.
Aisle Sitters are buster. Keep coming back.
I have to push my way past some stupid ass kid who doesn’t think he needs to move for anyone. Rudeness is buster. So are most teenagers.
Then I see it. You’re sitting on the aisle seat with nothing on the window seat. I can’t believe how buster you’re acting with this shit. There’s no drink service or bathroom you want access to; move your ass over to the window. It’s not that I don’t understand; the CTA has all types of gross people walking all over the place that you don’t want to sit next to. Sometimes a smelly person sits down next to you and while it’s a buster ass move to smell all the time it’s even more buster ass to assume that people are going to smell. Give them a chance not to smell. The worst part is that I won’t say anything about moving over because I worry about a confrontation. Arguments in front of an audience? Buster, unless it’s on TV.
Aisle Sitters are buster. Keep coming back.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Mystery Metal
I’m trying to get dressed for work today. I got my jog on and I’m out of the shower by 6:40. It’s been an efficient day up to this point.
I spray the pants with static guard to avoid static electricity. Static electricity is the most buster ass electricity out there. Stop being static. Go be a lightning bolt or something.
I throw the belt on. Almost time to leave.
Guess what happens. A piece of metal falls onto the floor. I pick this piece of metal off the ground and I have no idea where it came from. Is this from the belt? This belt is brand goddamned new so it better not break. Inferior products are buster. I can’t find where it would have come from on the belt so now I’m confused. I’m not wearing any other pieces of clothing that have a metal component. Unless you’re a knight who often has sword battles then metal clothes are buster. I give up and bring the piece of metal with me work just in case I figure out what it is later on. I may be overthinking this whole issue, which is a buster ass way of thinking. Think the regular amount, not over or under.
Mystery Metal is buster. Keep coming back.
I spray the pants with static guard to avoid static electricity. Static electricity is the most buster ass electricity out there. Stop being static. Go be a lightning bolt or something.
I throw the belt on. Almost time to leave.
Guess what happens. A piece of metal falls onto the floor. I pick this piece of metal off the ground and I have no idea where it came from. Is this from the belt? This belt is brand goddamned new so it better not break. Inferior products are buster. I can’t find where it would have come from on the belt so now I’m confused. I’m not wearing any other pieces of clothing that have a metal component. Unless you’re a knight who often has sword battles then metal clothes are buster. I give up and bring the piece of metal with me work just in case I figure out what it is later on. I may be overthinking this whole issue, which is a buster ass way of thinking. Think the regular amount, not over or under.
Mystery Metal is buster. Keep coming back.
My Fantasy Team
I clean up at the auction draft. Anquan Boldin. Rashard Mendenhall. Jets D/ST. It’s gonna be a good year.
I go flat bananas with trades. Maclin for Turner. Best for Johnson. Moss/Forte for Rice. I get yelled at for injuries after I trade guys. “Damaged goods,” they say to me. Being accused of unfair trade practices is buster.
I make the playoffs, of course, and I’m projected to win by 50.
Guess what happens. Kyle Orton falls of the fucking face of the earth. Dude averages 18 a game for the first 10 games of the season and then goes for a 2 spot when it matters most. Not playing up to your ability when playoffs roll around? Buster. Even worse is the Oakland Raiders D/ST. Oakland plays Jacksonville who isn’t that great even though they’re gonna win the AFC South (Peyton Manning is having a buster ass year throwing to some buster ass banged up wide receivers). What does Oakland do? They give up 38. That’s not a football score, that’s the speed limit for a highway on ramp. Giving up speed limits on the score board? Buster as hell.
My Fantasy Team is a buster. Keep coming back.
I go flat bananas with trades. Maclin for Turner. Best for Johnson. Moss/Forte for Rice. I get yelled at for injuries after I trade guys. “Damaged goods,” they say to me. Being accused of unfair trade practices is buster.
I make the playoffs, of course, and I’m projected to win by 50.
Guess what happens. Kyle Orton falls of the fucking face of the earth. Dude averages 18 a game for the first 10 games of the season and then goes for a 2 spot when it matters most. Not playing up to your ability when playoffs roll around? Buster. Even worse is the Oakland Raiders D/ST. Oakland plays Jacksonville who isn’t that great even though they’re gonna win the AFC South (Peyton Manning is having a buster ass year throwing to some buster ass banged up wide receivers). What does Oakland do? They give up 38. That’s not a football score, that’s the speed limit for a highway on ramp. Giving up speed limits on the score board? Buster as hell.
My Fantasy Team is a buster. Keep coming back.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dickish Parkers
There are parts of the city where you can’t park your car.
Bus lanes are one place you can’t park your car. You need to keep the car out of the bus lane so that the mass transit system works. Mass transit is not buster in any form. Some riders are buster, but the idea of mass transit is not.
Thousands of people ride the buses every day and need those lanes open.
Guess what happens. People park their goddamned Range Rovers in the bus lane for 10 minutes waiting for their significant others or whatever to come down from their office. That’s a buster move, first of all, to park in a bus lane. There’s hundreds of people that want to battle because of some dickheads in the bus lanes. Then, after they park in the bus lane, they just sit there reading like it’s no big deal. Buster. This isn’t your kitchen table, dickworm. You’re parked on Wacker Drive just wrecking everyone right now. Reading a newspaper while wrecking everyone around you? Buster as hell.
Dickish Parkers are buster. Keep coming back.
Bus lanes are one place you can’t park your car. You need to keep the car out of the bus lane so that the mass transit system works. Mass transit is not buster in any form. Some riders are buster, but the idea of mass transit is not.
Thousands of people ride the buses every day and need those lanes open.
Guess what happens. People park their goddamned Range Rovers in the bus lane for 10 minutes waiting for their significant others or whatever to come down from their office. That’s a buster move, first of all, to park in a bus lane. There’s hundreds of people that want to battle because of some dickheads in the bus lanes. Then, after they park in the bus lane, they just sit there reading like it’s no big deal. Buster. This isn’t your kitchen table, dickworm. You’re parked on Wacker Drive just wrecking everyone right now. Reading a newspaper while wrecking everyone around you? Buster as hell.
Dickish Parkers are buster. Keep coming back.
Escalator Standees
People don’t like walking that’s a given.
At some point someone decided to invent moving stairs. Inventions are not buster.
People love the moving stairs because if you walk up stairs that are moving already, you move twice as fast. It’s a very quick way to move between destinations.
But guess what happens. People decide that they don’t want to move twice as fast. Instead, they’d rather stand there and not do a goddamn thing. Being slothful is buster. Not only that, but they stand in the middle of the escalator so you can’t get around them. Also, they’re probably wearing puffy coats. Any one of those things by itself is buster but when you combine the three you’re just too far over the buster line. That’s a special kind of make me miss the red line buster. Way too buster for me. Move your puffy ass out of my way.
Escalator Standees are buster. Keep coming back.
At some point someone decided to invent moving stairs. Inventions are not buster.
People love the moving stairs because if you walk up stairs that are moving already, you move twice as fast. It’s a very quick way to move between destinations.
But guess what happens. People decide that they don’t want to move twice as fast. Instead, they’d rather stand there and not do a goddamn thing. Being slothful is buster. Not only that, but they stand in the middle of the escalator so you can’t get around them. Also, they’re probably wearing puffy coats. Any one of those things by itself is buster but when you combine the three you’re just too far over the buster line. That’s a special kind of make me miss the red line buster. Way too buster for me. Move your puffy ass out of my way.
Escalator Standees are buster. Keep coming back.
Friday, December 10, 2010
House of Representatives
The Bush tax cuts are about to expire.
Barrack Obama, even though he knows people making $250,000+ a year don’t NEED the cash, comes to a compromise with Republicans to get an extension of unemployment benefits and tax cuts for the lower class as long as the high end and estate tax rates stay in place. Necessary compromise is not buster. Neither is Obama.
It’s pretty much assumed that the tax cut deal is going to pass the Senate.
What does the House of Representatives do? It flips the fuck out. Too much money being given away to the rich, they say. Hold out for a better deal, they say. What better deal? You guys just got your asses kicked in the midterm elections. Getting your asses kicked in mid terms is buster. What better deal is there? You guys are acting like you can just ask for a better deal and you’ll get one. No, it doesn’t work that way. I can’t go to a restaurant and demand that I get a steak for $5. Oh, that’s not how much it costs? Well I say that’s what I want to pay so give me a goddamn steak. No; you get what you can get when you can get it. Not understanding the political landscape and causing Obama all types of headaches? Buster ass move. All of you.
The House of Representatives is buster. Keep coming back.
Barrack Obama, even though he knows people making $250,000+ a year don’t NEED the cash, comes to a compromise with Republicans to get an extension of unemployment benefits and tax cuts for the lower class as long as the high end and estate tax rates stay in place. Necessary compromise is not buster. Neither is Obama.
It’s pretty much assumed that the tax cut deal is going to pass the Senate.
What does the House of Representatives do? It flips the fuck out. Too much money being given away to the rich, they say. Hold out for a better deal, they say. What better deal? You guys just got your asses kicked in the midterm elections. Getting your asses kicked in mid terms is buster. What better deal is there? You guys are acting like you can just ask for a better deal and you’ll get one. No, it doesn’t work that way. I can’t go to a restaurant and demand that I get a steak for $5. Oh, that’s not how much it costs? Well I say that’s what I want to pay so give me a goddamn steak. No; you get what you can get when you can get it. Not understanding the political landscape and causing Obama all types of headaches? Buster ass move. All of you.
The House of Representatives is buster. Keep coming back.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Lost Keys
I come home from work today. I'm gonna get my Call Of Duty: Special Ops on and blast some fools as the NVA in Hanoi.
I go to the mail box and all that's in there is junk mail. Junk mail is buster.
I get back upstairs and guess what happens. I left my keys downstairs. Buster. I go downstairs to get them back. They're gone. The office hasn't had them turned in. Buster. I go upstairs to see if someone is by my place with them. Nobody is there. Now I think someone has my keys and can just fuck with my space whenever they like. That's buster as hell. It turns out the office eventually got them back. I feel like a fool. Buster.
Lost keys are buster. Keep coming back.
I go to the mail box and all that's in there is junk mail. Junk mail is buster.
I get back upstairs and guess what happens. I left my keys downstairs. Buster. I go downstairs to get them back. They're gone. The office hasn't had them turned in. Buster. I go upstairs to see if someone is by my place with them. Nobody is there. Now I think someone has my keys and can just fuck with my space whenever they like. That's buster as hell. It turns out the office eventually got them back. I feel like a fool. Buster.
Lost keys are buster. Keep coming back.
Giant Guy
I get on the bus at 7:30 this morning. I used Bus Tracker to make sure that I didn’t have to wait in the cold. Bus Tracker is NOT buster.
I said hello to the bus driver because you should say hello to people. It’s a polite thing to do.
I look towards the back of the bus because sitting in the front is a buster ass move. There’s no seats in the back of the bus OR the middle. I sit in the front, I have no option.
Then you come on. You may or may not be a buster. You look like you go 6-5 and 2.8 bills, minimum. You may just be a big dude. But what do you do? You sit right next to my ass instead of the 80 year old lady across from me. Bro, I may not be a giant but I’ve got broad shoulders; sit next to the miniature old person right over there. We’re going to be cuddling for the entire ride down Lakeshore Drive. What you just did is as buster as it gets. Then you answer the phone. Oh lord, just cuddling with me and answering phones? Buster as hell.
Giant Guy is a buster. Keep coming back.
I said hello to the bus driver because you should say hello to people. It’s a polite thing to do.
I look towards the back of the bus because sitting in the front is a buster ass move. There’s no seats in the back of the bus OR the middle. I sit in the front, I have no option.
Then you come on. You may or may not be a buster. You look like you go 6-5 and 2.8 bills, minimum. You may just be a big dude. But what do you do? You sit right next to my ass instead of the 80 year old lady across from me. Bro, I may not be a giant but I’ve got broad shoulders; sit next to the miniature old person right over there. We’re going to be cuddling for the entire ride down Lakeshore Drive. What you just did is as buster as it gets. Then you answer the phone. Oh lord, just cuddling with me and answering phones? Buster as hell.
Giant Guy is a buster. Keep coming back.
Fish
I spend 3 weeks waiting for Petsmart to get Neon Tetras back in stock.
I make sure that the nitrogen and ammonia levels are where they need to be.
I hold off on cleaning the tank for a day or two to make sure the fish aren’t stressed their first day.
Guess what? 6 fish go in Sunday. A baby fish dies that night. Buster ass move.
Another older fish dies last night. I think some other fish ate his goddamned fins. Buster ass move.
Then, I wake up this morning and go for a jog. I watch Mike & Mike and hear how Urban Meyer has to retire before his heart explodes. My hearts not going to explode. It’s a good day so far. THEN, I come in to feed the fish. What do I see? Guess. Another dead fish under a decorative piece of wood. That’s a fucking buster move for a fish to die under a piece of wood. I can’t reach you with the net, dead fish. I have to move the wood with MY HANDS and take you out. Trying to make me stick my hand in a fish tank after I’ve taken a shower and gotten dressed for work? That’s buster. Your dead ass is gonna lay there until I get home.
Fish are busters. Keep coming back.
I make sure that the nitrogen and ammonia levels are where they need to be.
I hold off on cleaning the tank for a day or two to make sure the fish aren’t stressed their first day.
Guess what? 6 fish go in Sunday. A baby fish dies that night. Buster ass move.
Another older fish dies last night. I think some other fish ate his goddamned fins. Buster ass move.
Then, I wake up this morning and go for a jog. I watch Mike & Mike and hear how Urban Meyer has to retire before his heart explodes. My hearts not going to explode. It’s a good day so far. THEN, I come in to feed the fish. What do I see? Guess. Another dead fish under a decorative piece of wood. That’s a fucking buster move for a fish to die under a piece of wood. I can’t reach you with the net, dead fish. I have to move the wood with MY HANDS and take you out. Trying to make me stick my hand in a fish tank after I’ve taken a shower and gotten dressed for work? That’s buster. Your dead ass is gonna lay there until I get home.
Fish are busters. Keep coming back.
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