Moving

I'm done with this site. www.hoodedsweats.tumblr.com is where the hotness goes now so check that site out. More GIFS of Buster Bluth.

Foodz

Do you think that the guy who came up with the idea for “Doritos Locos” tacos at Taco Bell consistently has good ideas or was that a one off? It seems like that idea came from the guy who never shuts the fuck up in meetings and this one time he had something that stuck.

“Larry, you had something to say?”

“FREE DRINKS WITH NO PURCHASE! ALWAYS FREE DRINKS!”

“No, Larry. That doesn’t make any sense financially.”

“MAKE EVERYONE WEAR SOMBREROS WHEN THEY COME INTO THE RESTAURANT!”

“Larry, we’re not going to do that and it’s borderline bad taste.”

“DORITO TACOS!”

“What?”

“TACO SHELLS MADE OUT OF DORITOS CHIPS!”

“Hmmm. Americans WILL eat just about anything and they already like Doritos. That’s a good one, Larry. I may think about that.”

“WHITES ONLY!”

“Get out, Larry.”

Groundhog Day (FOR DRUGS!)

One day that doesn’t matter at all. Obviously I’m going to do some crazy drug that I’d never touch in real life outside of the Groundhog Day universe. I’m obviously not going to name every fucking drug because that’s too long a process and I’m kind of a square so I don’t know them all. Here we go (WITH RANKINGS!):

-Heroin (2 out of 10) – I don’t like needles and it looks like a major bummer. Just shoot up and nod off for 6 hours? You don’t seem to be taking advantage of the Groundhog Day experience. 

-LSD (6 out of 10) – Strong possibility. Just run around the city and enjoy THE COLORS but later find out I really just laid on the floor and shit myself.

-PCP (4 out of 10) – The people I see on World Star Hip Hop seem to be having one hell of a time but I saw an episode of Cops where a dude on PCP ran through a fence and was just wrecking dicks. I don’t want to become King Koopa and fuck someone up even if it’s a do-over at the end of the day.

-Cocaine (7 out of 10) – Just FUCKING DANCE.

-Ecstasy (8 out of 10) – Just FUCKING DANCE WITH AN ERECTION.

-Weed (5 out of 10) – This doesn’t seem to be making full use of the day. Play video games, watch TV, and eat shitty all day? Bedtime by 10 PM? That doesn’t seem baller at all.

-Meth (6 out of 10) – Mostly because I want to figure out what it’s like to do a drug that will turn you into a zombie within a year. I bet it’s awesome.

So it looks like Ecstasy by a nose. If you ever see me solo dancing at some bar then just leave me alone. I’m trying to keep homeless guys from dying so I can bang Andie MacDowell. 

OH MAMA

First post in a while covers the London trip:

-Rode The Tube (capitalized!) all over and even got too tipsy and worried about being on the wrong train just like I do in the states.
-I rarely go for parks but the one by me had ducks like a boss. Kids playing cricket all over. One of them looked like Bran Stark.
-Underdressed for at least 2 of the 9 work events. Good ratio for me.
-Fullers
-Cigarettes with a Romanian. You can't smoke in here, bro.
-Insurance things.
-Drinks outside with a hipster baby.
-Great sando back by the ladies old office. 'Chicken mayo' they call it but fuck me that's too honest. In America it's a salad as long as there's no ketchup.
-Train station. Where are the bagels?
-This weather is a problem.
-Edinburgh is pretty as hell. I think I gasped a few times.
-That being said, it could use a coat of paint up top.
-UGH, too many pints and pub foods and fuck that full length mirror. Major body issues in Edinburgh.
-If I can ever find that dog doctor picture, it's going up in the condo. I don't care if we have to break up over it. I mean, what kind of phone call is he taking? "Hello? No, I can't transfer you. I'm a dog."
-Train station. What the hell, are there no bagels?
-Inverness is pretty. Is Dougie in a motorcycle gang or wht's the score?
-Dogs running loose in the forest may be one of my favorite things.
-Damn, that's a big lake. Didn't see Nessie but my rock skipping game is on point.
-So wait, the castle was built in 1860? Nobody was scaling castle walls by then. That's a lie, in my mind.
-Where are the Scottish beers? I don't want a Corona.
-I'm cold.
-Train station. NO I DON'T WANT A FUCKING BUN I WANT A BAGEL!
-York looks badddd assssss and I like the beers and the pies.
-Okay, if you aren't supposed to climb the city walls then they'd put up a sign. Lay off, bro.
-OHHH THESE BARS HAVE HISTORIC THINGS! And pints.
-I think, on average, 7 poops a day. No lie. I think I have nervous bowels.
-Something I didn't give a lot of thought to before I came, the chances of getting a haunted hotel room SKYROCKET when you go to England. I contemplated this in York because I was pretty sure a poltergeist was playing with the door.
-Train station again. I'm over your lack of bagels, Great Britain.
-Ugh, this rain is blowing up my spot.
-Whatever to that Brazilian place acting like a dick because we found the best British pub/Thai restaurant on the block. Unexpected.
-Walking in the rain just means more stops for pints.
-Selfies are harder then I thought.
-Virgin Atlantic lounge is the motherfucking TRUTH. Am I allowed to take these magazines? For free?
-BAGELS!

So now I'm blogging again. Crank it up, fuckers.

"Yea"

Do you not understand that I don't want to have this conversation, bro?

"It's kinda weird that the bus always stops at a light right before it picks you up."
"Yea"
"Like when I'm down at Belmont and it (I wasn't listening to the rest of this. I think I was actually looking at the sidewalk) and it just drives by."
"Yea"

It's 11 degrees outside and I'm not into it. Just talk to your cat later or something.

SimCity Mayor

If SimCity is any indication, being mayor of a city is the easiest job in the world. Too much pollution? Put in a shit load of trees. Low property values? Just build lakes fucking EVERYWHERE so 90% of the houses are waterfront. Crazy amount of crime in some areas? Just bulldoze them and make them industrial parks. I’m a SimCity Republican like you wouldn’t believe. You think I have time to worry about your shitty neighborhood next to the industrial park? We just had a space monster wipe out have the city you fucking crybabies.

Dog Friends

Is it a positive when dogs like you? My uncle once told me that dogs are a good judge of character or something like that and he rides motorcycles and gave me a whittling knife one time for my birthday. Clearly, he’s pretty cool and if any of my relatives knew about the canine psyche it would be him. On the other hand, they eat their own shit and it’s possible they like you just because you smell like meat so I don’t know.

Hooters

I’ve always assumed that guys went to Hooters to “blow off steam” which is a pretty silly saying. Are you saying that you’ve been boiling all day and storing the steam somewhere so you can blow it off onto a 20 year old in shorts? That seems silly. Just blow the steam off as it accumulates. Why store it all day?

However, these places are popular so I’m somewhat concerned that I’m missing something and it leads me to this question: is it possible that food tastes better while you’re aroused? Nobody ever told me that this is a rule, but I’ve kind of made it a point to not go into meals with an erection if it’s at all possible. I don’t need to be at full blast downstairs while eating soup but now I’m concerned I’m doing it wrong.  

Blogging Block

You wouldn’t think that writer’s block could happen to someone who writes under 200 words each post but it’s a real thing. Just a bunch of ideas bouncing around my head that are dumb as shit. I’m starting to force shit. The other day I considered a post about which dinosaurs would be good at sports. Seriously. “The Tyrannosaurus Rex had arms too short to play football" was actually written down as an idea to expand on. Holy shit.

Beer Drinking

Easiest process yet:

-Stick beers in fridge in the morning

-Open 1^st beer at about 7 PM and pour it into a glass

-Look at beer to make sure there’s no weird shit floating around in there.

-Drink beer. It definitely tastes like an IPA, but it seems to be a little off. Fuck it.  

-Wonder what the alcohol content of this beer is.

-Continue to drink beer, noting that it tastes better after it’s been aired out for a little while. Or does it taste better just because you’ve gotten used to the taste? Are you a little drunk off a beer and a half? Either way, open 2^nd beer.

-Drink 2^nd beer.

-Once again, wonder what the alcohol content is because you’ve had a little less then 3 beers and you’re kind of zonked.  

-Watch Parks and Recreation. Amy Poehler, LOLZ.

“DON’T CARE”

Whether or not this story is true, I think it’s entirely believable. I’ve heard enough about other Jay Cutler sightings and watched him respond to enough stupid  questions to believe that it’s within Jay Cutler to act this way to a random guy that started a conversation with him in a bathroom.

If it is true, I don’t necessarily see what Jay Cutler did wrong. What does Jay Cutler owe you as the starting QB of the Chicago Bears? Chit chat at the bar? No, he does not owe you fucking chit chat. At a sanctioned Chicago Bears “come meet the players and pay money for them to chit chat with you and sign some shit” event, yes he owes you some chit chat because you paid money for that. Other then that, all he “owes” you as a fan of the Chicago Bears is an effort to win every game. And he does that, nobody has ever accused him of not taking the job of quarterbacking seriously.  

You ever have a person just randomly start talking to you? It’s offsetting. It goes against social norms to just walk up to a complete stranger and start talking to them. And that’s what you are, random bathroom dude, a stranger. Let’s talk about how big a fan I am while your dick is out because I OWN YOUR JERSEY AND FUCK THE PACKERS, RIGHT? Could he handle it differently? Sure. But maybe you caught him on a bad day. Maybe he’s a little drunk. Have you ever been drunk or having a bad day knowing that the entire bar is aware of you and watching your every move? Would you be comfortable eating nachos with 40 people watching you? No way.

“But he’s not trying that hard. He threw 4 picks against the Packers.” Yea, but he always tries to fit the ball into tight windows. That’s what makes him great. And Earl Bennett could have come back for one of those balls.

“But what about that pick he threw into double coverage towards Marshall?” Haha. Yea, he was pretty much over it by that point.

Racist?

Is it racist if you think things about another race that don’t make any sense? What if your grandmother tells you that black people can’t eat cake because their tongues are backwards? How do you respond to that? Is grandma racist because she is painting an entire group of people with far too broad a brush or is she so sideways in the head that she gets a free pass? Asian people can’t eat oranges because they don’t have fingernails and the citrus burns too much. What?

Gyro Breakfast

8:50 this morning, getting my bagel on. Transcript of the guy who orders after me:

Weirdo: Gyros please.

Barely Bilingual Cashier: What?

W: Do you have gyros right now?

BBC: No.

W: What’s available?

BBC: (Motions towards breakfast menu) Breakfast.

W: Okay, I’ll have the over under but if possible I’d like to make a modification when I order it. Can I have stripsofbacononitplease?

BBC: What?

W: I’d like to have the over under but I’d need to modify need, I’d need to modify the sandwich if possible. Can I have bacon on it?

BBC: It comes with bacon.

W: Okay.

Some thoughts:

1) So weirded out that my day is basically shot.

2) If you’re buying gyros for breakfast, you probably have a refrigerator that’s dedicated to hooker heads, right? Well adjusted human beings don't want raw onions and lamb meat at 8:50 in the morning.

3) Possible alien doing reconnaissance on our defense capabilities prior to a full scale invasion? But wouldn’t they do research on our eating habits before in order to stay in cognito? Maybe one of the less able aliens had that job and fucked it up. Do you think there are alien fuck ups? Any aliens that still live with their folks into their alien30’s and work at aliengasstations?

4) Yea, this day is fucking cooked.

Beer Bottling

Much shorter process:

-“Sanitize” all of your bottles/equipment used in the bottling process. Note that you’ve used up all of the sanitizer provided with the kit last week. Decide that filling the sink with super hot water and dish soap will sanitize the bottles enough because fuck it, right?

-Siphon beer from giant glass jug into a pot with a honey & water mixture. While siphoning, note that some of the liquid you got into your mouth tastes somewhat like beer but also somewhat like poison.

-Siphon beer/honeywater mixture into bottles. Make sure that the liquid still tastes like poison (it does) and also make sure to spill some liquid on the floor/cabinets.

-Store beer for another 2 weeks in the closet. For how much time this beer spends in the closet, you get the feeling that pretty soon you’ll need to have a serious conversation about its relationship with its “friend” Reginald.

-Feel good about the joke above. Topical.

-Go watch Jay Cutler and the Bears embarrass themselves on national television so you can wonder, why THE FUCK J’MARCUS WEBB IS ON AN ISLAND AGAINST ONE OF THE BEST RUSHING LINEBACKERS IN THE LEAGUE AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RUN GAME DID MIKE MARTZ COME BACK AND DECIDE THAT WE SHOULDN’T USE BLOCKING TIGHT ENDS ANYMORE AND YOU CAN’T DROP THAT BALL, BRANDON.

Hotness Increase

You never see a person (outside of movies) who goes from a 2 to a 9 (on the standard 1 – 10 hotness scale) by dropping a couple of pounds and grooming themselves a bit better. In reality, you maybe go from a 2 to a 5 and you get so pissed about only being a 5 that you just give up and go back to 2. All that effort just to be “meh” so you say fuck it, Cheetos for breakfast.

All I can say is that I held off on a Chipotle burrito today and I'm not sure why. So I could save a couple hundred calories? Balls to that. If I avoid carbs for the rest of my life my forehead isn't getting any smaller.

Pee Pants

So I have a friend at work that’s got an occasional issue. When he pees, he takes all the necessary steps to make sure that dripping is complete. That’s all good. However, after he puts it away, it occasionally gets a little bit inside the pants as well. If he’s wearing khakis, a little pee mark appears for a short time.

So in the situation of a pee stain, he has one of two options:

1) Let the pee stain sit there and hope nobody notices.

2) Just cover up the pee stains with a shitload of water. Everyone is going to notice, but they won’t assume you just wet yourself. Just tell them that’s how you dry your hands.

I think option #2 is the best. Yea, he’s the weird guy who dries his hands like a psycho but at least his dick isn’t acting weird. This one’s a thinker.

Beer Making

I tried to make my own beer yesterday. Here’s a brief rundown of how you do it:

-Read directions. Start worrying that you don’t have all of the necessary equipment to make beer without making a giant fucking mess. Get angry about the mess that’s been made before you even make said mess.

-Sanitize everything. Notice that there are a million warnings on the sanitizer packet about not getting it onto your skin/eyes. Ignore them because the plastic gloves you own are too small for your hands.

-Boil 2 quarts of water. Prior to that, Google how many cups are in 2 quarts (the answer is 8). Use your 1 cup measuring device to measure out the 8 cups. You will be annoyed at this process and will write “bigger measuring cup” on the chalkboard.

-Briefly think: “Well, when I add the grain to this water it may overflow. I should use a bigger pot, probably.” Ignore this, as you’re just over thinking the process.

-Add the grain. Watch the pot come close to overflowing immediately. Scream “fucking asshole” at the intimate objects in the room. Transfer the grain/hot water to the larger pot on the stove.

-Try to keep the water heated to about 144 degrees – 152 degrees for an hour. Make sure you check the heat every 3 minutes because this entire process is making you incredibly anxious.

-Heat another 2 quarts (8 cups of water) to 170 degrees in a 2^nd pot. It’s supposed to be 4 quarts, but you’re already using your biggest pot to cook the grain. Write “big pot” on the chalkboard.

-Pour hot grain/water mixture through a strainer into a 3^rd pot. Surprise yourself at the lack of a mess.

-Pour 2 quarts of water through hot grain in strainer and let it collect at the bottom of the 3^rd pot. Immediately start heating up 2 more quarts of water and add them when heated.

-Read that you’re supposed to cycle all of the water through the grain a 2^nd time. Come up with a plan on how to do this without making a mess.

-Try to carry out your plan. Make giant mess immediately with GODDAMNED BURNS ON THE CLEAN FUCKING STOVE. FUCK THIS, SKIP THIS STEP.

-Bring liquid that’s left to gentle boil. Allow it to boil for 1 hour, adding hops at different times. Try to follow directions on when to add hops but only do a B-/C+ job at it.

-After an hour, take the liquid off the boil and put it into an ice bath. Use all of the ice you have in the house because this is the most important thing in the world.

-See that the liquid still has gotten down to 70 degrees like the directions say. Decide, fuck it, 80 degrees is close enough.

-Using the brand new strainer and funnel you bought for this project, try to pour the liquid into the glass bottle. Immediately lose half the liquid you’ve been working on for 2 hours. Throw away the shitty funnel because fuck that thing and fuck Target for only having one shitty funnel. Keep the strainer because you can use that for something else, maybe. Write “funnel” and “strainer” on the chalkboard.

-Fill the rest of the bottle up with water even though that’s probably not correct.

Whatever, you’re getting a gallon of something and who gives a shit if it’s poison water you’re drinking all of it.

-Add yeast and shake the glass bottle.

-Use the rest of the sanitizer to fill a bowl with sanitized water. Stick one end of a rubber tube into the glass bottle and the other end into the sanitized bowl. Usually you would try to figure out the science behind this step but fuck it you’re tired. Just do it.

-Read directions again. See that you shouldn’t have used all of the sanitizer. Write “sanitizer” on the chalk board.

-Store bottle and bowl of sanitizer in the cupboard.

Check back in 2 weeks for an episode in bottling.  

Corn Dogs

It’s impossible to eat a corn dog and not look like you’re giving a blow job and it always gets politicians in trouble. Regardless of your stance on fellas putting penises in their mouths, stuffing a cylinder of meat/fried dough into your food hole isn’t a good look on anyone. It’s not presidential; eat an ear of corn or something. Get a funnel cake. It should be a general rule that if you’re running for political office of any kind, penis shaped foods should be on the back burner for a little while.

Blog Restart

Alright so I'll try to start doing this again and we'll see how it goes. Some notes:

-I think I wanted to knock out 3 or 4 old women on the bus this morning and a lot had to do with their hair. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine's chiropractor friend had the old hair style that Kramer liked? I feel that way about the perm. You're just walking into the salon and saying "I need a mound of curls on the top of my head. Pile it up." No thanks.

-Girlfriend picked up Chick-Fil-A yesterday. Pretty awesome. This led to a conversation about best fast food spots and the rankings ended up this way:

1) Chick-Fil-A - Best chicken sandwiches but 3rd place on the fry game. Waffle fries are overrated like woah.
2) Wendys - 2nd best chicken sandwich and 2nd best fries. Just a solid all around experience.
3) McDonalds - 3rd best chicken sandwich and best fries.

-I don't run around calling women the c-word but Marie from The Real World: Virgin Islands is positioning herself pretty well to catch one. Chick is fucking awful. Just every New York stereotype in a gross, alcoholic shell. Fuck her.

-I sold my team name to a UK based businessman named Bardy Digett. He specializes in sales of upskirt photographs and has told me that if the team does well he'll attend an end of the year banquet.

I'm done writing the sign off about things being buster and asking you to come back. Shit's played out.

Bardy Digett